Empty Shell

[Frame]

There's nothing left. I just have nothing.
Nothing but debt and fagments of falure that won't piece themselves together into any recognizable person or life. I have no idea who I am or where to go, what to do (what I'm doing isn't working); it's difficult to see even where I am.

You struggle so hard in hopes the pieces will fit. At some point you have to admit it's never going to work. I've just been hollowing out an empty shell. The emptines is beginning to show through; I can't take this.

[Frame]

There is no faith. I should stop reading Nietzsche. But that's not really my problem. Wait...I don't know what my problem is. Somebody tell me please.

[Frame]

I don't know how to go on. I'm not enough. I'm never enough. I'm not just a lowly whining slug. I no longer have enough brains to see any options at all, much less some direction that might take me any where I want to be.

[Frame]

I've been sad before. I've been in shock. I've been in accidents or been sick in hospital. There was always some presence of mind. This is an overwhelming incapacitating mental anguish as the spiritual / emotional noose tightens around my heart.

[Frame]

I'm so sad. I'm trying to take my own advice. It just doesn't get me going. One thing I did recognize; something meditation is good for. I think of sadness as when people sit around looking drained. That may be what it looks like.

But I recognized this morning, as I sat just watching my breath, that this sadness coincides with a huge amount of tension. My shoulders and back are so tight and I can't let go. It's turning into an aching pain. It's almost like some kind of pre-fail; like the sadness comes from something I've already lost but I can't even let go of the space where it used to be.

And my mind won't let me know it's gone. Like it's spending all my cognitive time hiding from me the fact that something is already gone. My mind and my body just can't let go. I think that may be so, because there's nothing there to replace it. There's no safe step. I have to move on but there is no compass. No path, no one, no thing I can trust.

[scrabble]

You could try trusting yourself and your instincts. You are probably far wiser than you imagine. The next step is the one right in front of you. Let the ones after that worry about themselves for now.

You are not alone.

[4EverMe]

Frame,
I wish I'd responded to you quicker but I only found this post today! Just want you to know that I recognize those feelings...feeling lost, incapacitated by stress, feeling like there's no conceivable place to turn, in debt, that your own ideas aren't enough to fix things, having a hard time taking that next step...out of fear it's the wrong one and like it's hopeless anyway. But there's got to be a way. Atleast, there's got to be some hope. Have you prayed for an answer or some type of sign? You might be surprised.how quickly some answers might follow! (speaking from experience on this one) You need to have some faith when you request an answer though. Know that God DOES love you and He is aware of your agony. Maybe He is just waiting for you to ask Him for help, relief and guidance.

My heart and soul goes out to you, as well as prayers today. You amaze me in that you take time to help others while you, yourself, feel so tormented!! Your strength is much more than you credit yourself for.

[4EverMe]

NEVER assume that you're not enough Frame!! That is SO far from the truth. I won't lie and say I've never been there. Consider this and ponder on it...When you were created, you were made with a DNA that no one else has. Your fingerprints are different. Everything within you that makes you 'YOU'? There is NO ONE like you. Never was. Never will be. This makes you unique and you are loved. Sometimes, I think about the fact that God IS love. Even for those of us who are loving people, it's hard to fathom just how pure and perfect His love is. When we're feeling our worst, and it feels as though all hope has fled, I can imagine He is waiting for us to call on Him. After all, we are His children. Those of us with kids would hope with all of our hearts that if they had a problem they would come to us! We WANT to help our children even though our love isn't "perfect." But God is the closest relative we each have. His love IS perfect. He cares.