I am so afraid :(

[jj]

I feel like I am losing my mind and as each day goes by feel like I am slipping further and faster and harder back into the black hole and I don't want to. I am petrified and I am trying so hard to be compassionate to myself and use all the things I've learned since last time but I am completely freaking out, these emotions are all changing and powerful and overbearing and I feel completely emotionally unstable like how I did this time 2 years ago.

I'm trying to remind myself to be logical about this. I am better than this and I am not my emotions and thoughts, they are fleeting they don't make me me, but they are so strong and getting stronger and I am so afraid.

I'm going to book a doctors appointment tomorrow and see what I could do. I want to go on medication again because I just feel so all over the place and it might help till I can figure a way to get through this again, but I don't believe in medication as a treatment that works for me personally so what's the use. I want the power or responsibility or whatever to be taken out of my hands though because I do not feel capable , I'm trying I feel like I really have been trying hard but right now I'm just so petrified and hurting.

I want my computer to be working so I can get on chat so badly I feel so so alone and isolated.

[nenkohai]

jj

I hear where you are. The echo sounds very familiar to me. I wish I had magical words that sweep all your bad feelings away. Despair, I think, is the hardest. It seems like it will never end. I am sorry. At least know this... I am sitting in my back garden at 7:45 in the evening (it was only maybe 60 today and its cooling off fast!), I am sitting next to my fire pit (with a modest fire going), the birds are tweeting away, getting ready to settle in for the night, and I am writing to you... And thinking about you, with all the positive energy I can muster. You are not alone.

((( jj )))

[jj]

(((((Nenko)))))

Thank you so much. Your support means the world to me. And what a beautiful picture that painted in my mind. Birds tweeting are awesome. So, I couldn't get a doctors appt today cos I forgot its a Sunday, but I will try tomorrow. Luckily today has been better, although I don't know if that's just because I've been distracted all day watching endless episodes of greys anatomy

Hopefully tomorrow will not be so bad, and I will be able to get on, and be able to handle my emotions.

Thanks again for hearing me and replying I appreciate it nenko, hugs


jj

[jj]

It's just the inconsistency that is making it so difficult recently really. It can throw me a lot

[sbw]

JJ, I have a very similar thing going on. I have been on meds for...maybe 8 years, maybe less, but I went to half the dosage a little over two years ago. Since then I have been hit hard with depression. Once just about the time I went down, (insurance problems) and just this past December. I've been struggling for a little over 3 months now. About a month ago, I felt like I was being crushed by gravity, or in a crevice of an earthquake, and I got excited because I thought it was finally gone. I've been seeing a counselor. But then, talking with the counselor about some old deep wounds, maybe that's why, it comes and goes now, in waves, everyday. Sometime I start to panic. Its such a scary thing to feel so confused and hopeless and just lost and out of touch. That's how I get. I start thinking of hurting myself or suicide, but I know I won't kill myself, I won't. I have a daughter, and i know I can get through this. But i have hurt myself before, and recently. It does no good, so I know not to, I feel like days when I start to feel freaked out, I tell myself, well those two things aren't an option, so just get over that. But it's hard. I'm journaling now, on here, starting a group in town on Tuesday. I'm feeling more hope to get through this, but I know it will take time, and I'm not going to be so quick to say Oh it's gone. No. Not so quick. But I know that scary feeling. I'm trying to figure out a way to stop myself from feeling scared. i am in good physical health. I really have nothing to fear, and why fear myself? But ugh. That sinking feeling comes in and it's tough. Writing here is really helping me. Connecting with people who understand is also really helping me. I'm sorry, I'm more venting than anything right now. But we are in the same place in a way, and we can get through it together. We can get through it. I saw a quote the other day, when you're going through hell, don't stop. ha, keep moving. Don't let it get to you, but easier said than done right? I'm happy to have you to talk to. I'm not sure how supportive I"ve just been, but we'll get past it. There is no other way, just need time. We can do it. Love-SBW

[dougsan]

There is nothing I can add except, the place you're in is one you've visited before. You know you can get out of this mental prison, you've done it before. Remember you have the support of all us. Drop a line when you need a broad sholder to vent against or cry on. We all must stick together.

Clear Skies and Rainbows.