Feeling close to losing this battle

[36lost13]

I can't handle it. This pain I feel inside is just so strong, yet people say they think I'm getting better. Why then would I hope to god every night that I don't wake up the next morning. My boss called me a couple weeks ago and asked me to quit because I'd called in so much because of my depression. I tried to start a class at a community college but couldn't even make it to the first class and ended up dropping it at the end of the week. It seems to me like I'm doomed to be in this miserably unsuccessful life forever. I've got no real friends who are there for me. The only thing close to a relationship I had lasted one day, oh and if you want to count the "rape" or whatever it was but that's all. To me I really don't think there is love out there for a person like me, I've gained so much weight since having surgery and not being able to play any of my sports. And to top it off I happen to be bisexual which just messes everything up even more. As if I'm not freakish enough already. I used to have so many friends but after telling them about my real struggles with depression and the whole being bi thing they stopped talking to me. One even block my phone number. I just feel so alone and like what's the point of living if I'm not really "living" but more so just "existing". I feel like I'm in depression's version of a vegetative state and that it's really just time to pull the plug. Enough of my ramble. I do hope that someone responds because yes it may only be online but at least there would be someone out there that I knew could relate and even that would be a sense of relief, if only for a moment I will still take what I can get.

[empty88]

Your not alone I have that same horrible feeling inside me too it like dying slowly as everything places you by. Sometimes I just wanna to break down but I can't even do that right all I feel is cold sadness and pain and it just seems to get worst and eorst

[lifeanimated]

I feel for you,

I wanted to tell you a few things though..

At work 3 days ago my boss came up to me, and although did not ask me to quit, asked me to step down as manager.

The sad part is my situation has been going on for about 2 months work-wise, I have been slipping into a deeper depression each day for a while now.

I really feel for you that people are judging you because you are bisexual, you need to know that you are not freakish, or abnormal is any way, shape or form.

I have seen judgement on my side as my wife (well wife for now, part of my depression) is of another race, and religion - and people still judge, once a family of her race of whom we do not know even took pictures, and made sly comments about "disgusting" and something to the equivalent of "abomination".

This is certainly different than the challenges you are facing, however the lesson is still the same, you are normal, I know numerous gay/bisexual individuals that had a hard time when coming out with their friends..

A good friend of mine had his BEST FRIEND of at least 10 years completely cut him off, because he feared my friend would become attracted to him, as if that's a bad thing.

I am a straight male, and I was hit on by other males in the past (ok .. twice in my life) but I was very flattered, and when I said no and why, they were kind and once I even made a friend over it.

There are good people out there, the problem is - many of them end up in a depression, Nice Guys Finish Last, I can only use myself as an example, non judgmental, caring, and selfless.

While I am going through my depression which onset was situational (wife committing adultery), I have found that there are many people out there who are hurting, you are not alone, although everyone's situation is unique to them, what we feel is anything but abnormal.

Some things I have done that have helped me:

* Started a blog - anonymously, discussing what is going on in my life
* Talking to a psychologist - this one is expensive, many companies offer counseling as an employee benefit (may be worth looking into)
* Find people who have a similar story - in my case, divorce, infidelity, etc.
* Talk on forums, even look at what other people are saying and relate

Please, please hang in there, it does get better, I can't promise how, or when, but it does.

Also - your English is excellent, especially for being a second language.

[Mountain_Mamma]

I can SOOOOO related to the whole "living" VS "existing"

The only reason I get up every day is my kiddos, and whats sad is EVERYONE around me can't see the pain, but my little ladies do. So i'm even messing that up...

Just don't even wanna play anymore.

[fallen]

hang in there, i'm listening and i feel for you, if i could take your pain i would readily do this.
at our lowest points we find who we truly are and i think that you are a sensitive person who is going through a very hard time .
when you are at your lowest no that i am thinking of you as are those that have replied to you earlier.
be strong , don't give up because i care ,keep going.

[Tilly]

Life is ups and downs...I feel like our downs are lower and last longer. About the losing friends...it sounds as if they weren't really "friends" in the first place. Now you know. Good news is their empty slots can be filled by people who love you for who you TRULY are!