Why is it so difficult??

[endless]

This is my first foray into chatrooms/forums for depression - surprising for me actually since I have been struggling with depression for at least half my life. I feel kind of weird blabbing my issues to the unknown but I feel so lonely that I don't care anymore.

I am a stay-at-home mom/freelance research developer - sort of what saves me and condemns me at the same time. I am not a very social person (I've sometimes wondered if I'm not slightly autistic) and it takes me forever to form friendships and then I am as loyal as a pitbull. Unfortunately, the few close friends I have made over the years live in other cities - we moved to the town I was born in and all my closest friends are a minimum of an hour away (and 1 even moved to Germany - I mean how ridiculous is that??) and over the years, as things do, our friendships have waned and grown dimmer as the things we had in common (I worked with 2 of my friends in a lab) become uncommon and my life and their lives have giant chasms between them. I wonder sometimes whether I should just give up on the friendships altogether - what is the point of performing CPR on something that is dead?
So I join a church two years ago (My husband is SO not interested) and I try so hard to fit in even though it kills me and I sort of sort of make two friends (which for me is a blue-eyed miracle seeing as I only meet up with these women once a week) but it never goes any further. I try and I feel like I am trying to pull a truck with my teeth.

Why?? Why is it so freaking difficult to make friends?? Real friends?? I look at my daughter at 7 years old, making friends, keeping friends, enjoying friendships so easily and I feel like a child. I am so lonely. I know working from home is the worst thing I could be doing to find friends but after years of ridiculous struggles with permanent, full time work, I really don't think I can work 'out there'. So I am stuck in this prison of my own making and it hurts me so much. [/i]