Today

[pablos]

Yesterday, I felt more depressed than usual. I came to the forum. I laughed and enjoyed what I read. Things lightened up a bit. This morning again, I am feeling more depressed.

I have developed a different pattern of behavior that is keeping me in this level of depression. This part of my story is not about exercise or diet but more about the pattern or cycle of behavior I have developed. I have always had some level of depression. But these last few months are harder. Last fall I was not feeling well physically, mentally and emotionally. I was quite depressed. I weight 214 lbs way too heavy for my height. I started an exercise program. I did not loose weight at first because, I did not have a food plan. I joined weight watchers and lost considerably. I also started feeling better mentally and emotionally. I found that eating right, exercising and weighing less helped my depression and how I felt about myself.

The real issue now is that the depression has become a worst. I exercise more and harder to try and beat it. This means I have to eat more to avoid loosing more weight. I eat more than my body can handle and I feel bloated. Yet I am not gaining loosing weight because I am following the appropiate level of intake to match the amount of exercise. I always feel better after I exercise. At night, I crave for food, so I eat just before I go to bed. I wake up at night feeling bloated and gasy. I have become addicted to exercise and food. I do not know how to break the pattern. If I do not exercise, I feel more depress. If I do not eat, I loose more weight.

I also wake up at night thinking about events from last summer where I was deeply hurt and I also hurt others. I have done the writing logging, writing but not sending letters of apology, etc. Yet I feel haunted by it.

I feel I have an emptiness within that I cannot fill or satisfy. I feel I am going in circles chasing my tail.

Confused.

[Obayan]

You need to talk to your doc about the exercising thing. I don't do the nasty "E" word. lol. I'm sorry you have found yourself in this cycle though. I hope you find a way to break it soon. Sounds like you are putting your body thru some harsh regimens. Some day I hope you find it within yourself to forgive ourself. And to rebuild a new life for you.