Depression Understood Forums

Every counselor I've had said that I have black and white thinking patterns. Usually it works for me but it is getting to be a problem now.

My husband is chronically ill, he is naturally a night shift guy, and he is a loner. His illness has gotten worse in the last three years. It helps him to be able to work in the barn or do yard work, loosens up the joints. But when he goes out, it is usually for the whole day. He rarely eats with us. He comes in around 9 pm when I am putting the kids to bed. Then he wants to talk or snuggle. But I have felt abandoned all day. I have denied wanting or needing him all day. I refuse to go out to him in the barn. I figure I must not be important enough to him for him to come in for a little while. When he does come in I am distant, share only parts of the day with the kids. He is in the dark about a lot right now. But if we were importatnt to him, wouldn't he spend some time with us?

When he wants for us to be close I have a hard time letting my guard down. I have a few times. By the time I feel comfortable sharing with him again, he is off mowing more grass or fixing something. It seems he can only be there for me in spurts.

I am having a hard time turning my emotions "on" when he is available and turnign them "off" when he is not. We used to be so close, shared everything. I miss him.

Any suggests on how to effective deal with black anf white thinking?

((((((Jeanne)))))))

I can see how it having black and white thinking patterns can be a problem for you in the current situation as it is a fight or flee reaction and I really feel for you as changing thinking patterns is a really hard thing to do.

I'm sorry your husband is ill, Is it possible for you to talk to your husband on how you feel about your relationship or even write it down for him?

Does he realise he is doing this?
Does he keep how he is feeling to himself, is he hiding how he is feeling due to his illness?

As for the black and white thinking I think you need to be really tough with yourself and say

what is the fight answer
What is the flee answer

when you have worked out those the you need to try and think what the answer right in the middle would be. Once you have the middle answer you can try and work on using the middle answer instead of the fight or flee one

Hope that made some sense

I have given up on talks about how I feel. He has a habit of taking the blame for whatever is said. Then he wants to know what can he do to help out. Like I have all the answers to life's questions! I hate being the one to tell him what to do. Can't he do something from his heart?

He hasn't shared much with me in the last couple of years. He doesn't want to tell me how he really feels. Thinks that will make me worry. He hides out in the barn so he can hide how his illness is crippling him, he wants to appear to be normal at all costs.

I like your idea about finding the middle ground. Must admit that I am really scared about allowing myself to be vulnerable again. Been hurt too much. Just thinking about it brings me to tears. I will try your suggestion. In little steps first, that aren't so scarey. Please pray for me.

!

((((((((((( Jeanne ))))))))))))

He hasn't shared much with me in the last couple of years. He doesn't want to tell me how he really feels. Thinks that will make me worry, he wants to appear to be normal at all costs.

Think a lot of men do that. Thinking hiding things is the best way, so the woman won't know, won't worry. If they only knew how much more that makes us worry, what we see that they don't realize.

Don't give up on trying, there is love there between the two of you, that shows.

Warmie

Hi. Finding a middle ground is hard. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of talking. I mean talking to eachother. You can think of it like a pendulum. One end is everything, it swings, then hits the other end which is nothing. As it swings, it hurts. Not only us but those we love. There are a couple things you can do though.... I carry a picture on me at all times of those i love. When angry, i look at it and ask myself "are these really the people i want to hurt by saying what i'm about to say?" when i'm sad i take it out and remind myself "these people love me and i love them too". It helps me to learn to recognise the patters of my behavior too. Maybe it can help you too.

((((((((( Obayan )))))))))

Great idea!!!

Warmie