Depression Understood Forums

The reason I can sit here and type this paragraph is because I left work this morning at 9:30 am and came home. I came home because I couldn't stop crying. I've been having these crying fits lately and once I start I can't stop. It's completely out of my control and it's really scaring me. This is the second time I've had to come home. The last time I fell into a bad depression, I quit four jobs in one year. I've spent so much time and so much effort climbing back from that and it's almost as if all that work was for nothing. I'm right back where I was. It's like I didn't learn anything. I'm taking this great job opportunity that I worked so hard for and flushing it all down the toilet because I can't get control of myself, my thoughts, my emotions. The disappointment I feel for myself is just feeding everything and making it worse. I can't get out of this spiral.

Right now, I'm seriously thinking of quitting. I thought I could do this, but maybe I can't. It's hard and I'm tired. This time around I was supposed to make it. I was supposed to do better. But, maybe I'm just not capable of it. And if I'm not how am I supposed to live? How am I supposed to support myself? Isn't life about working and being a contributing member of society? What does it mean if you can't do that? What's the point if you can't make connections with other people? Why continue being so alone?

Sometimes I feel like the rest of the world knows something that I don't. Some secret about how to be successful in life and relationships. I wish I knew this secret.

I have to admit that I'm having a bit of an " X-Files moment " after reading your post. You're so close to my own situation, and to expressing my own feelings, that it's quite surprising!
So, I just thought I'd jot down a few thoughts, as they occur to me, I soooooooo don't pretend to know all the answers. But, I at least have some of the same problems, so here goes.......
I'm sorry if this is an obvious question, but there is obviously so much that I don't know about you, ( And, about me for that matter! ), I hope you'll forgive me if I'm going over " old ground " as it were.
Have you been diagnosed as depressed by a doctor? And, if so, are you receiving any medication/counselling/or other help/support for your depression?
I know that that is a staggeringly obvious question, sorry! But after " crashing and burning " as a result of my own depression/anxiety, I was only able to even begin to cope with my job, once I " accepted " and started to " manage " my own anxiety and depression better.
You say that you " can't get control of myself, my thoughts, my emotions. The disappointment I feel for myself is just feeding everything and making it worse. I can't get out of this spiral. " I was in very much the same position emotionally and mentally last year. I found getting the " external perspective " that speaking to a doctor/psychiatrist/support-worker could supply to be very helpful in " reining in " my own feelings of " runaway " depression and anxiety. So, please don't feel that you necessarily have to cope with your depression(?) alone. Trying to cope with depression is difficult enough without feeling that you have to " go it alone ", and also hold down a job as well. Any help you can get that might ease your depression, (? Is it OK if I call what you're experiencing depression for the moment. I emphasise that I'm in no way an expert on any of this! ), might well help you feel more confident in your job, hopefully, anyway.
So, that's one " front " when it comes to holding down a job. Taking care of yourself, and getting as much help as you can to help you " manage " your depression(?), so that it doesn't get too much in the way of being the person that you want to be. ( If you're in the UK, you might try contacting the mental health charity MIND? I've found them to be very useful/helpful. )
In the meantime, while you're looking for help with your depression(?), and helping yourself to better health, what to do about work?
You refer to " this great job opportunity ", if you've found a job that you like, then, yes, I think it would be a shame if you quit. ( However, that doesn't mean that you should nessarily hold on to a job at all costs, even at the expense of your physical or emotional health. )
And, if they've given you a job, then obviously they saw your potential, so they have a vested interest in helping you fulfil your potential, don't they? So, is there a manager/supervisor/foreman at your place of work that you might be able to talk to. Afterall, isn't it in your employers interest to help you through this period, hopefully of recovery, so that they can benefit from the potential that you can bring to their business once you're " on the road " to recovery?
So, ( And, yes, it's taken me a loooooong time to get to my point. But, I'm Welsh, and no true Celt uses one word where twenty will do! ) this is what I would suggest. It's worked(ish ) for me, at least so far........

1. Get as much help for your depression as you can. If you can " manage " your feelings better outside work, this will spill over in " managing " your feelings at work.

2. Is there any support available for you at work? Eg. My manager at work and I are scheduled to meet shortly to draw up what's known as a Stress Risk Assessment. A document that will give him more knowledge and awareness of my mental health issues, as someone who experiences depression and anxiety, and " tweak " my job slightly, so as to minimise my depression " triggers ", while still allowing me to be a productive employee.
Oops, nearly " chucking-out time " in the library.

(((((((Mheart)))))))) hugs...I went out on disability...then went through 9 month trial work period, went off disability for almost 3 years, then went back on feeling like absolute failure.

I don't know how some manage to work with severe depression, all I know is right now I cannot. (((((((((Tacking))))))))))) had some good suggestions, and I can tell you not working comes with a whole new set of problems...I think the structure of work and sense of usefulness is helpful for depression and therefore worth it as long as you can hang on...

But, if you can't, disability is last resort...its a whole lot less money than working, that's for sure, sometimes I only have a dollar in my checking account to keep it open and no toilet paper or light bulbs...as far as feeling useful, you can always volunteer to give back and give a sense of purpose. It is a lot easier for me to manage 2 hours of volunteer work than 40-50 hours a week on a job. And the nice thing about volunteering, if you are not up to it you don't have to do it.

I think getting back to meditating and anything else you can do to reconstruct that sense of happiness you once had might help you cope on the job better. But also, give yourself a break, you had a major move and life change, it will take time to adjust.

My ex used to go in bathroom at work and cry, just faking it in front of people as best he could. I don't know how he managed, except that he took it out on me...so I guess sometimes there are tradeoffs.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

Thank you so much. Everyone here is always so helpful, supportive and understanding. I feel like such a whiner. It's a good thing I like cheese.

I had my first therapy session this afternoon and it went well. She did suggest that I see a psychiatrist to get an evaluation. That kind of scares me. Not sure why, but it does. Up until three years ago I've always been able to cope with my episodes. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to pretend anymore, but I am having such a hard time and I can't put on the "happy mask" to make other people feel comfortable. If I could I would believe me.

Some of my past experiences with telling coworkers about my depression were not positive. Many people cannot accept depression and cannot understand or empathize. But some people do and if they have to work with me maybe it's better that they know. I'm not sure. I wrestle a lot with that one lately. I feel like it's so obvious anyway. But, depression is not socially acceptable, so I feel bad about it ie embarassed, humiliated, guilty. (Sigh)

On the plus side:

1. I am trying
2. I went to therapy
3. I am taking care of myself
4. I joined this forum
5. I still have hope

I am so sorry that I'm not being more supportive to others right now. You guys are being so great and I want to return the favor and support you also.

(((((((((( mheart ))))))))))))))

Life is about living and traveling the path we are on. We do what we can, when we can. We learn from mistakes, from friends and family. It can and is confusing, makes us wonder, think and keep on trying.

Are you on meds for this depression? Have you seen a doctor, counselor, someone in that field of medicine? Just wondering. Perhaps give it a try if you haven't?

Please continue here, it does help to express your feelings and have others that DO understand, done or is doing the same as you.

Take care and don't give up, we are here to help in anyway we can.

Warmie

mheart, life is often not so much a mater of what is right or what is wrong, but a matter of what IS. other than the military, i seemed to drift from one job to another about every three years. its annoying and frustrating, but i am at a point in my life that i do my own work now, an my time is my own. do ithink depression caused me to lose jobs?? i dont think so, but i do beleive that it seriously impacted my mental health.