Without leaving too much out there, i always been sorta 'green' bit niave and overtrusting. In january 2009 i started a friendship with someone, who became my partner, then my worst nightmare, then my friend, then my partner, then my worst nightmare and then my friend and then again my worst nightmare.. so you get the gist of our relationship.
She abused me, haven't entirely come to terms with it, although is was almost 14 months ago. It has had periods since then where it's flared up once or twice but severe abuse ended then.
Basically, i was manipulated cos am lil niave. But this was a year ago so i'm not going into that, basically after that i wanted stay by her cos i was superly lost on my own and thought i loved her at the time.
We ended all contact in October, had a brief chat in January and another in February. Then nothing until a brief one in start of April.
But i always since about October resented her and hated her, got to a point where i stopped loving her blindly and began hating her for some of the negative things. Now, this has always been underlying in my life for the past 16 months. Somedays flares up.
I initiated contact again because i received word she was leaving forever, wouldn't bump into her or ever have contact. I was sad but also immensely relieved.
But i couldn't let her go without a word. So i made contact. Initially a goodbye see ya message. She replied. I said more stuff, that was it.
4 weeks later she turns up. Ignores me, i lost the plot at seeing her again because thought we'd exhausted it enough.
So i snapped.
When i snapped i sent her a message of sheer violence and hatred for all the nasty evil things she had done, can't justify what i said but she made me get to a point within myself where her words alone had me in hospital, literally urinated on my life with what she did and i can't get shot of this anger. So i lost it on her and said alot of things, i wanted her to for just 1 second feel what i felt because she deserved it.
So i said something along the lines of "your an accessory to murder and you'll always be responsible for my suicide, live with that" and thats the main one i regret.
As of typing i haven't gotten to that stage, i sent that message about a week ago so i dunno if i will be getting to the stage. I feel like i should in order to validate my claim, but as much as i strongly despise her for the misery she inflicted on dozens of innocent people i also feel such a overwhelming guilt and depression over what i said.
3 things:
1, i accept some elements behind my abuse was my own fault and it's a life lesson to be more hard nosed and less trusting because the way i lived i was always gonna be manipulated by someone somewhere. Is that enough justification for what i said? Or have i just stooped to her level and am rightly feeling destroyed inside because what i said was wrong?
2, is there anyway to deplete the guilt without making contact? I want her out of my life, but i want to make it better because she is a monster but i feel really guilty and i don't know maybe she just i dunno, she deserves it that's the thing, but i still wanna elevate the guilt but how do i do it without contact? Is elevating the guilt because it weighs on my brain the wrong reason to want to help the situation, should i be doing it cos i wanna help her?
3, if i see her, what do i say? She thinks i took my life and if she seems me am gonna be in trouble, what if what i said made her broken? (she deserves that feeling) but i still feel terrible for providing that.
Know i look bad here, like people gonna say i did the horrible stuff but really, what she did was reprehensible to dozens of people and she could very easily be in prison for what it was she has done not just to me. But she isn't.
Anyway point is as nasty as i might look here it isn't a scrape on her and i were only nasty cos she was first and deserved it.
Knows selfish me look for solace after i was mean, but spirits crushed lately, self-inflicted crushing of my spirit but all i wanna do is say sorry but i don't know if i should, if she deserves to hear it, if i could bring myself to say it or even if its the word i should use and how to approach it.
What would you do? What should i do? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? If i got to get my revenge against the person who hurt me shouldn't i feel happy? Then why am i so down? It makes no logical sense, she deserved it, but i so sad
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