The Bottom

[Mich]

Surely this is the bottom....surely it doesn't get any worse than this. I am struggling so much even with the little bits I am communicating in therapy and I am communicating them in a very robotic way and trying not to feel anything in his office at all. Problem is, when I get home the feelings come bubbling to the surface and I can't cope with them so I starve or self-mutilate. Coping strategies like listening to nice music or cuddling and petting my dog are not working. Why can't I have these feelings in the safety of the psych's office where I have support. Once I get home there is no support for mom's weirdo feelings and they just fester away inside me. This abuse has affected me in so many ways. I am unable to have intimate relationship with my husband either emotionally or physically. I am unable to have friendships. I am unable to give love and I certainly don't feel any love that is supposedly coming my way. I have no happiness or joy at all and really haven't for my whole life. I don't know who the "real me" was supposed to be because that was taken away from me in the abuse. What could I have become had I had a different environment to grow up in? I certainly don't know who I am now and am despondent about my low functioning status. I could go on and on. The toll of the abuse has been immense. Letting my guard down in therapy and letting it out is so damn hard. I worry about my psych dropping me for my slow progress. I could never start over with someone else so that would essentially be the end of my help. I am trapped in this hell. I know a way out but am so scared to walk down that path even though I know I have to.

[xn728]

What path mich ,do i misunderstand you ,or is it the path we all think of taking sometimes ,,im sorry if ive missed something here ,,but if its the path that i believe you may be talking about ,,then you cannot walk it anyway ,,you will find it blocked ,,and i will not allow you to pass ,,if ive made a mistake and misread this then im sorry ,,but i would rather look a fool than not comment ,,,any thoughts of self harm must be supressed ,you are under tremendous pressure mich i know that but dont blame our hurt yourself ,,i do understand how your feeling ,only words i know mich ,,listen to me ,,look back at some of the pain ive suffered ,,and some of the things ive written ,,but see me now ,,able to smile and do things i havent done in years ,,so please have hope ,,you are much loved by your family and your husband loves you ,,things will get better ,but you have to carry on ,,oh impossible isnt it ,but why are we still here mich ,,Because we are special ,,gifted with the kind words you gave to kali101 not long ago ,,even in your great pain you gave him such precious words ,,what else can i say ,,give me your pain ,i dont fear it ive had a good few weeks ,,maybe my good feelings are yours to have soon ,many times you have held me up ,,and i ask you to let me help you go on with these words ,never give up that hope ,,thats just what the darkness wants you to do ,,i know deep inside ,you will never give in ,,your tired and upset and very down at the bottem as you say ,,but you know were right here with you ,,and here is were we,ll stay till you feel better ,,,hugs (((((mich))))),,,,goodnight dear freind ,,my thoughts are with you love ken xxx

[Mich]

Thank you Ken for your kind and precious words.

Triggering talk of self harm.
I did a terrible thing on Friday at my psychiatrist appointment. I had a sweater on my lap and underneath the sweater I was carving away at my skin with a knife. I have some pretty good gashed on my left hand as a result. He eventually figured out something suspicious was going on underneath the sweater and came over and pried the knife out of my hand. It wasn't a dangerous knife...just one from the hospital cafeteria. I feel foolish for having done it but I was in so much pain from the topic we were discussing. While waiting down in the hospital lobby for my appointment, I saw a scene that was very triggering to me and reminiscent of my abuse. It was too much to bear and in the heat of the moment could not think of any coping mechanism other than cutting.
I have to go back tomorrow and am feeling somewhat embarassed. My mood absolutely crashed some more yesterday afternoon and I had to quickly flee the house to get some fresh air. The agony lingers today and I don't really know what I am going to do to cope. I will try the elastic band on my wrist trick and snap it hard when I feel like cutting.

[Mich]

It's Wednesday and I am feeling very alone in this world. I feel ashamed that I have no friends and I wonder what my kids think about that. I feel ashamed that I am cutting and starving and that I have to wear long sleeves in this warm weather. I should be past that kind of thing at my age! Mostly I feel ashamed for being a child sexual object and for not putting a stop to it. Mixed in with the shame is a good dose of rage and a healthy serving of depression. I wonder what kind of life I can possibly carve out for myself in this state. My therapy is going so slowly as every word for me is agony. My psychiatrist asked me to write instead of self harming so I will try that. I have little faith that it will dull the emotional pain inside me.

[shatteredhopes]

You do have friends, you have them here. And, I am confident when you feel up to going to group therapy you will eventually make more friends, only these will be people you can see face to face and support each other and maybe go for a cup of coffee together.

I think writing is a good idea. I know sometimes I just write down what I am feeling or my thoughts at a particular moment and it gives a little release, although sometimes painful in the process, afterwards it gives a taste of slight relief.

If your progress is slow that's not your fault but maybe your therapist's or just the deepness of the wounds. Would you blame the child my ex husband abused for failing to stop it when what stopped it was he was caught red-handed? No, I think like me you have sympathy for her and recognize she was just a kid. Just a kid! My word the brain isn't even fully developed until mid-twenties...you can't blame the young victim when some evil or sick adult exploits them.

I hate that you hurt yourself so much and punish yourself so much when you are already in soooo much pain. Maybe progress is slow, but any progress is still progress. You are safe now, and loved here and by your family, and you can survive this, hard as it is.

I know you are hurting and wish there was something I could say to help...but we are listening and we care.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[Mich]

Thank you (((((shatteredhopes))))). I am going to write now because I feel very destructive. I always struggle with keeping the writing confidential ie finding a great hiding place so no one else reads it. These thoughts definitely cannot be shared with my family.
It's a beautiful day here today and yet I am unable to enjoy it. I am depressed beyond belief and full of self hatred. I am lonely and yet I don't want to be around people either. I don't know what I want. I really just want everything to be over. It is hard to struggle through each day only to get up and do it again the next day. Maybe some wounds are just too deep to heal.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I can't really pretend that I have an answer to your last question with any real certainty. However, I think for the sake of my emotional balance, ( My emotional balance, I know it's around here somewhere, I must stop using it as a bookmark and mislaying it. ), I think I would have to keep believing that no wounds are too deep to heal, that no mistakes cannot be rectified, or mitigated,or at least survived.
As long as I see myself, think of myself, as muddling through, ( In however, undignified a fashion! ) then I can see myself as on a path towards better days. If I was to accept that I couldn't " heal " or at least better manage the things like my depression/anxiety etc that are holding me back from being who I want to be, then I would find it harder to keep the hope of better days.
( Please tell me that that didn't sound:

1. Hopelessly pretentious,

2. Completely incomprehensible! )

Seriously though, do take care of yourself, y'hear?!

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((Mich))))))))))) First, I have a suggestion. After you write out all your feelings, take it outside with a cast iron pot and matches and have yourself a bonfire...as it burns, picture it being released in the universe with some deep breathing. In my 12 step program, when we do our moral inventory in the 4th step, we share with another in our 5th, we usually destroy what we wrote as a symbolic letting go of the past. You can save anything you want to share with your therapist, but mainly just getting it all out and some temporary at least sense of letting go.

Yes, I know the feeling of some wounds possibly being too deep to heal. But maybe (((((((((Tacking)))))))))) is right about the survival part. I wouldn't think I'd still be here after all I went through in the last five years and the reopening of old wounds, but somehow, I am. That Oprah show you watched that was so triggering, perhaps that gives a clue...pain that dulls and becomes compartmentalized enough to go on, and share with others to help others become aware and resolving the problem so many face on a societal level...the more people are aware of the specifics of how the abusers do it and get away with it, the less they will be able to, and some kid who caught some of that show might just report abuse they are experiencing and some mother's suspiscions were raised about her husband enough to approach her children and find out and take measures to keep them safe. That's what I think anyway...

I am sorry you are in so much pain. There's just no excuse for what you endured, and I know well how much the past pollutes the present.

An off the wall question, does your husband know what you experienced? Have you thought of telling him so that he gives you needed privacy for whatever you may want to write in seeking healing and more support, understanding a little more about the origin and depth of the illness you suffer from? So what then if he reads what you write? Maybe that would make him more understanding and supportive if he truly knew?

Just a thought, but burning it or tearing it up and flushing it can be a ritual way of releasing...

Much love (((((((((sister)))))))))))...

[lisalou]

Mich, I'm so sorry that you are having such an awful day. As shatteredhopes says, a child is never responsible for their abuse or capable of fighting back. It's no wonder that you have developed unhealthy coping strategies like cutting and starving and you shouldn't be ashamed of these,with time and with love you can find more positive ways to cope. Did you ever manage to find a copy of that book 'The woman's comfort book' I told you about?

Wishing you strength for the rest of your day

Love Lisa xxx

[xn728]

Stick with it mich ,,you will see some less painless times soon ,,myself and fran are really having a hard time just now as you know ,,but ill be thinking of you ,,hugs (((((mich))))),,love ken and fran xxxx

[Mich]

The despair and darkness are suffocating. I have been writing instead of cutting and I believe I will burn those notes rather than share them with my psychiatrist. It is mostly a very morbid compilation of all the ways I could hurt myself. Each day is the same as the last; more crushing sorrow and more pain. I am trying to hold onto the hope that this will get better if I keep trying. The thing is, it's hard to try when you are feeling this way. It is easier to succumb to it. My self hatred is so strong and so present. If my psychiatrist tells me I need to start loving myself, I don't where to start, how to do that. I don't believe that I deserve to do it so I continue to punish, punish, punish myself in any way I can. Depression is so terrible. I just want to crawl into a hole and fade away.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((Mich)))))))) can you at least learn to say some positive things about yourself or your accomplishments? Like made dinner for the family even though in overwhelming emotional pain, writing how you feel instead of cutting, studying spanish...if you can maybe start by just acknowledging what you DO manage to accomplish and start saying a positive thing or two about yourself every day, maybe that's a start.

The abuse you suffered shattered your self esteem quite obviously. The abusers know how to manipulate their victims to keep them from fighting back by telling...in this case he used the shame he made you feel to manipulate you at a time when you had no one to turn to...no one to rescue you. That shame is still manipulating today, making you hate and hurt yourself instead of taking your life back.

There was no way you as a child and youth could fight back, but can you as an adult fight back by reclaiming just a piece of yourself by saying a few positive things about yourself/your accomplishments every single day?

I guess for me, I don't hate myself, I love myself enough to be angry at those who hurt me and want to end my pain, so I avoid painful things at all costs, including those necessary like cleaning...I've said before and I say again I wish we could balance each other.

This is off the wall, and forgive me if I am out of line, but in the USA for instance there is no statute of limitations on some crimes. Have you ever looked into filing criminal charges or a lawsuit now? Just a thought...might be empowering, might be too traumatic, I dunno.

Anyway, ((((((((Mich)))))))))) we will love you until you learn to love yourself...we are here for you and rooting for you and listening...

[Peep212]

Surely this is the bottom....surely it doesn't get any worse than this. I am struggling so much even with the little bits I am communicating in therapy and I am communicating them in a very robotic way and trying not to feel anything in his office at all.

Mich, I would reccomend "The Courage to Heal Workbook" by Laura Davis. My TP got me into it, and it helped me to overcoe many things, and gave me the help i needed to face down my abuser and tell them exactly what i thought about them. It is a very empowering book

[Mich]

Thank you ((((shatteredhopes)))) and ((((peep)))). I can do both things: I can list an accomplishment for the day and I can get that workbook. I have heard many good things about it.

I did some bad behaviour yesterday and I am sitting here fighting the temptation to do more since my husband and son are out at a running race and my daughter is sleeping. I am trying to tell myself that engaging in that behaviour is destructive, doesn't get me anywhere, and in fact takes me in the opposite direction of where I want my life to go. But it is so darn hard to say those words and really take it in when the pain is present and all I want is relief. My weight is up one pound today which is disturbing me greatly even though it is likely water weight. I am not eating enough to gain a pound of fat. I will try to accomplish a positive thing today...probably a chore of some sort and I will try to feel pleased about it. It's hard, but I will try.

[crybaby1086]

((((Mish)))) Wondering how you are doing. I hope things are getting better. Robyn