Am I depressed? What can I do and why do I feel this way? Is

[lilivalley6]

For 2 weeks now I've been feeling completely useless. I'm 23, never had a boyfriend, spend my days at home, sometimes I go out for a walk with a friend. I'm not someone who can't make friend sor anything, I have friends who love me and I know it. But then I still can't feel good about myself. For these past few weeks, I cry every morning and talk myself down becaus I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I'm not good at anything and Im completely wasting my life. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be here at all because what's the point of living if our life is completely useless? I feel like the only reason I don't just end everything is because I know my parents would be devastated if I was gone, so I also feel like a coward because I can't do it. Recently my best friend whom I simply love has gotten herself a boyfriend and although I'm really very happy for her, I feel like that has been a catalist for me to think a lot more about my own life and realize that I'm so very alone. I am a nice girl, very fun and entertaining as well as pretty. I do have a weight problem but it's not something that ever worried me and it's not something very bad. I don't understand why I can't stop crying, my head hurts and I feel an ache in my chest, because I have always been so cheerful. I also feel guilty because my friends are used to me as a cheerful person and I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want to upset my best friend either because I don't want her to feel bad because she's so very happy right now. I know this may be very stupid, all this situation but it's just how I feel and don't know if anyone truly understands me. I feel like such a loser and worthless... I don't even have money to go to a therapist or something. I just don't feel like myself and need someone to talk to.

[shatteredhopes]

I can so relate to thing about other's happiness, while you are glad for them it hurts when your life is in such a different place and I wonder what I have done to deserve so much hurt or what's wrong with me that I don't have the same? As for the boyfriend part, frustrating I know, but you are young and have plenty of time, which I know doesn't help now...but after my divorce I spent about a decade without a man in my life and it was very productive time for me to work on myself...I then got involved with someone who I thought was my soulmate, only he treated me poorly then dumped me and moved on to someone else...I so regret getting getting involved with him and now feel its definitely better to be alone than to get hurt like that. So maybe you just haven't found the right one and its a blessing in disguise because you are being selective and not reducing yourself to being with someone who would hurt you simply to avoid being alone...that shows character and strength on your part and somewhere underneath what seems like low-self esteem due to depression, a healthy self-love. You can use this time to work on yourself, set goals for your life, dream about what you want to do, prepare for and maybe create a future you would like to have...

I too cannot afford much in the way of treatment. Are you at a university? If so, check to see if there's a counseling department you can go to. Also, if in the USA, there are community mental health programs that treat for free or reduced rate (like $5) for some low income people, and free clinics where you might get a referral.

Meanwhile, I have found the support here a lifeline so many caring people who understand. I am sure you will find the same.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[crystalgaze]

Hello there lili... Welcome.... I hope you are feeling a little better today! Do you know if there is any free counseling/group sessions/ programs available? (I'm NOT calling you crazy or insane, I promise!)

Would you be interested in doing something like that? Do you have a support system? Family, etc?

Now that you know what is bothering you.... you can attempt to do something about it....

You are so correct when you say.... " I'm not someone who can't make friend sor anything, I have friends who love me and I know it."

and

"I am a nice girl, very fun and entertaining as well as pretty. I do have a weight problem but it's not something that ever worried me and it's not something very bad."

Now... when you have thoughts that don't make you feel good, the best thing to do is damage control....

You are very caring & it is admirable how you think of others. My message to you also is to take care of yourself as best as you can.... Instead of hiding from your friends, just make sure to tell them that you haven't been feeling very well.... You don't have to go into detail, but you tell them, so that hiding doesn't turn into something major, like total avoidance....

Take care!

[marymn]

Thanks for sharing!!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hi lilivalley6

Perhaps ask the friend to set up some special time with you, to keep the friendship alive. Sounds like you want this and don't think they have written you off for a boyfriend.

Talk with the friend, continue the friendship. What if it doesn't work out with the boyfriend, don't you think they would want you there to be the friend you are?

Something to consider, maybe?

Warmie

[StrongMindqc]

Lili-> Everyone gets into their depressed moods its just a matter of getting yourself out of it. Im not sure if you will take my advice but what i have done when i was feeling depressed is jog. I would go for a nice jog and afterwards i have never felt better. Exercise has proven to help many with depression because it elevates your serotonin levels and that in turn ables you to feel euphoric. Just a little thought you should try.

And about the boyfriend situation.. PLEASE TRUST ME you are better off alone, they always come with more headaces and depression so dont feel like you need a man to bring you up.

Regarding your friend.. dont forget she is your best friend so tell her how you feel and set up girls night. For example my sister is married with KIDS and we always make is a point to meet every thursday for example for a girls night.
Do not let the depression get the best of you. The mind is a powerful tool so you have to be even more powerful to overcome your negative thinking. Do not forget you are never alone in this.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((( Vega )))))))))))

Great advice! See your point of meeting people and not being judge for the shell you live in. I would rather have a person in my life that I can see into the 'soul' of them, see the goodness and kindness, than one that would be consider a drop dead gorgeous person, with an attitude that 'you' should feel blessed to know them.. Looks is the part of us, that change constantly, but the inner person we are, the soul of who we are, that is there to stay, forever.

Thank you for making me think of this, good to awake the thoughts.

As far as a 'boyfriend, companion', my thoughts are it really has to be someone that will accept me for 'who' I am, not 'what' I am. One that wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with me, share with me, and understand my needs and wants, one that would feel I am important in their life and proud that I am there.

Friends, stand beside you, always. You may have your differences, but that is what friends do. No two people think the same, want the same, but friends makes the exceptions when needed.

Sorry for rambling...

Warmie

[Peep212]

if you are living in the states, you can go to your county/parish social services offr ice and request a list of sliding scale clinics/doctors that will help you for little or no cost, according to what you tell them you can afford.