Deep darkness
Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:48 pm
I am struggling so much these days,the depression is really severe now,I am so listless and feel so numb and empty and yet am hurting so much. I feel absolutely weighed down by pure despair. I feel very little attachment for anyone or anything and no hope. My energy and motivation range from bad to piss-poor.
My relationship with Mark is struggling again because i just can't relate to anyone or bear being around him or anybody. Even my beloved cats just annoy me now most of the time. I am isolating really badly.
My psychiatrist and support worker are concerned about me as I have been suicidal distant and monosyllabic in most of our last meetings. They are phoning me in between appointments and encouraging me to take up a day hospital programme but i am not keen,i know friends who went and said it was such a depressing environment they felt even worse! Also i just want to be on my own these days and find it hard enough to engage in the appointments i do have right now. I think i am beyond help at the moment
I feel very invisible at work,apart from my two friends everyone just ignores me and never ask how i am. My boss never asks how i feel,how i am getting on or if i want to continue with this reduced hours arrangement despite knowing i am suffering from severe depression. I've had no support since i returned to work 5 months ago and they have given my full time job away to someone else without even checking with me (not that i could do full time again in a million years) It is almost impossible doing the little work that i do now and more and more i think why bother. things are so bad financially though
My new antidepressant isn't doing anything yet other than giving me nausea and stomach pain. At least I'm not quite as sedated as i was on mirtazipine and can wake a little easier but am still sleeping at least ten hours a night and yet am always exhausted. I think sleep is my only escape
I will stop now, i don't want to keep dragging anyone else further down with me
Love to all
Lisa
My relationship with Mark is struggling again because i just can't relate to anyone or bear being around him or anybody. Even my beloved cats just annoy me now most of the time. I am isolating really badly.
My psychiatrist and support worker are concerned about me as I have been suicidal distant and monosyllabic in most of our last meetings. They are phoning me in between appointments and encouraging me to take up a day hospital programme but i am not keen,i know friends who went and said it was such a depressing environment they felt even worse! Also i just want to be on my own these days and find it hard enough to engage in the appointments i do have right now. I think i am beyond help at the moment
I feel very invisible at work,apart from my two friends everyone just ignores me and never ask how i am. My boss never asks how i feel,how i am getting on or if i want to continue with this reduced hours arrangement despite knowing i am suffering from severe depression. I've had no support since i returned to work 5 months ago and they have given my full time job away to someone else without even checking with me (not that i could do full time again in a million years) It is almost impossible doing the little work that i do now and more and more i think why bother. things are so bad financially though
My new antidepressant isn't doing anything yet other than giving me nausea and stomach pain. At least I'm not quite as sedated as i was on mirtazipine and can wake a little easier but am still sleeping at least ten hours a night and yet am always exhausted. I think sleep is my only escape
I will stop now, i don't want to keep dragging anyone else further down with me
Love to all
Lisa