Deep darkness

[xn728]

ohhh god ((((lisa))))) i cant say much just now but im so glad to see you so upbeat ,,good news about the benefits ,,,please keep your pecker up girl ,,we,ll talk again soon ,,,well done ,,youve done so we,ll ,,,hugs (((((lisa))))),,,,,lots of love kenny pop,,xxxx PS LISA SEEING THIS POST HAS GIVEN ME A LITTLE LIGHT !!!!!!!

[Mich]

((((Lisa)))) I am so happy to read this post too. It certainly starts my day off on a happy note. It's just so great to see that you are doing better and I am so glad those benefits came through for you. Keep on walking on this happy path!

[lisalou]

AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

My anxiety levels have been through the roof the last couple of days. It feels like there are insects crawling around in my mind. I'm exhausted yet so agitated and restless. Everything is a problem and everything is a worry. Feeling very paranoid and quite agorophobic again when out and about. Can't stop panicking about everything. and when i told mark all this he just said 'oh really' in a real I-couldn't-care-less way. I went to the dentist today and found out the tooth i've been having ongoing problems with needs to be extracted (I have lots of dental problems due to episodes of bulimia and neglecting my self care when really depressed) I am going to be having it done under sedation as I am currently a nervous patient to say the least! I have to take antibiotics too which absolutely destroy my digestive system as I have IBS so the next week is going to be agony. One of my best friends is in psychiatric hospital and currently trying to kill herself through dehydration so I am in the hypocritical position of trying to convince her that there is hope in life and that there will be an end to depression. Even though she is in hospital i cant stop worrying about her as she has already managed to escape and take an overdose once. Have been given loads of paperwork to fill in by the benefits people which I can't even begin to get my head around. And I still can't let go of my obsessions about what i eat and what i weigh. which is no wonder as my eating disorder always flares up when other things are bad and i try to distract myself myself from my real problems and give my anxiety a controllable shape

I just feel completely unbalanced and unable to cope with life

[xn728]

aaarrrgggghhh (((((lisa)))))),i feel like that for you to ,,sorry i havent spoken to you in a while ,,your post says it all ,,but im thinking of you lisa ,,i hope you can remain strong ,,fill the forms in a little at a time ,,i know its a pain ,,but once youve done them ,you wont have to do them again ,,ive missed you and all my dear freinds on the forum .ok i have to go now ,,hope to see you soon ,always in my thoughts ,,hugs (((((lisa)))))
lots of love ken xxx

[crybaby1086]

((((Lisa)))) Hope things are getting better for you and you are coping better. You are in my thoughts friend.

[Mich]

(((((Lisa))))) I am thinking about you today. You are dealing with so much right now. I wish I could help somehow. Let me tell you that you are not alone in the way your "significant other" responds to comments about your illness. My husband responds with exactly that "couldn't care less" tone and then immediately changes the subject. I have to rely on my psychiatrist for getting things off my chest.

I worry about you and the eating disorder. I know what a monster it is. Please try to keep fighting it. Starvation does not bring good things to your life. It really only brings destruction.

Take care and know you are being thought of across the ocean.

[xn728]

JUST CAME TO GIVE YOU A HUG ((((((((LISA)))))))...dont really know how your feeling ,,thanks for your kind comments ,,just gonna give you a hug now ((((((((((lisa thankyou)))))))))),,,,lots of love ken and fran ,,,,,,
you keep safe

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Hope you're keeping safe, as ken says, (((( lisalou ))))!

[lisalou]

I feel awful,cant write much,too dark,too drained. my concentration is all over the place and i'm so tired. have been really busy lately,been going to lots of things up at the hospital,had mark's mum and brother down to stay and am helping mark as the make up artist for his play so i am at the theatre every night,it's killing me to be so sociable,i just want to run away screaming as i feel so paranoid and anxious around people and too miserable. having family stay was torture in particular. i just cant face playing happy families at the moment or having anyone in my space. despite all the help i am getting at day hospital nothing is really changing and i know that i am going to be in pain and miserable and in this awful agitation till the day i die

[xn728]

it hurts me to see you in such pain (((((lisa)))) i can only tell you that im thinking of you ,,,and missing you very much ,,we all care for you here so much ,,so many are ill at this time ,,i know you will be feeling alone, (((((lisa))))) please dont feel that way we are thinking of you all the time ,,and you wont be like this all your life ,,you will see better times
soon lisa just have strength look how long i have suffered and suddenly i feel well again ,,i often wonder why ?i have brought a lot of my own pain into my own life ,,many are more deserving of feeling better than i am,,your day will come lisa ,,Im so very sorry!!bye for now,,and well all be waiting to see you when you return ,,,keep safe ,hugs (((((lisa))))) lots of love ken xxxx
COME HOME SOON XX KENNY POP,,,

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm sorry that you're feeling as you are at the moment (((( lisalou )))). I remember, all too well, how bleak and frightening those feelings are.
However, I really do believe that, as was perhaps better said in the previous post, you will not actually feel as bad as you feel now for the rest of your life.
I remember how agitated, anxious, and to be honest, abjectly terrified I felt when I was at my worst in June last year. I couldn't imagine ever feeling less agitated, or less depressed than I did then. But, however much of a work in progress my " recovery " may be, I have been able to be less agitated, less depressed for at least most of the time over this past year. I do have bad days, but I also have good days where I can feel more hopeful about my future, where I do feel actually fairly calm. ( Or at least as calm as any Welshman can feel living next to 50+ million World Cup-obsessed English people. If England win the World Cup they'll be insufferably smug for decades, if not centuries! And, if they lose I'll end up feeling sorry for them.....! )
This last year has been lonely and frightening in many ways, but I'm still grateful to have been around for this last year. And, by the Grace of God, I hope to be around for many years to come!
I hope that you will at least be able to feel the hope that there can be hope for yourself. Please take care of yourself.

( PS I find that being " out in the world " engaging with people does help me manage my depression. However, I also need to have some time to myself, as a respite from socialising. Please don't feel guilty about giving yourself enough time by yourself if you need it. I have a feeling that too much of anything, whether socialising or seclusion is probably not a good thing. )

( PPS Please remember that you are still the guardian and custodian of the one and only (((( lisalou )))). You ARE of value!!!! )

[Mich]

((((Lisa)))) I am very proud of you for doing the interactions that you are doing. It is very hard and you are doing it! Give yourself credit for this. It is a great accomplishment. As (((Tacking))) says, take time for yourself too. I am glad that you are still going to the hospital program. You won't feel like this forever. You have had better days in the past, and those will come to you again. Don't give up.

[Peep212]

lisa, you are not dragging anyone down. we are free to choose to read or not read the posting. if your meds are not working, perhaps you shoud talk to your pdoc about it. as far as your depression getting worse, perhaps yu should talk to your pdoc about going IN voluntarily. i have been IN a few times, but only one involuntary. i learned much about me while IN, and ways for coping. it mght benefit you to think about it and see what your pdoc says.

[lisalou]

hi everyone,thanks for your support. am still going through dark times. have been really sick the last couple of days too and throwing up everything that passes my lips. yesterday i couldnt actually turn over in bed as the nausea and pains in my stomach were too bad so sitting up at the computer is progress. have been very very unbalanced lately and getting really strong bouts of anger, despair and suicidal feelings. don't feel like i can talk to my primary nurse at the day hospital,i have tried to give her a chance but i just simply dont like her or trust her. and i have exhausted mark's patience lately,he just doesn't seem to have the energy left to care about all my problems and moods and weirdness anymore so i feel more alone than ever. it's too hard even to come on this forum most of the time

need to lie back down,feel pretty weak. i have eaten a biscuit today though and have so far kept it down which is excitement in my life!!!!!

[TackingIntoTheWind]

(((( lisalou )))), I hope that you'll forgive me if I ask the obvious question. Do you know why your sickness and nausea are so bad lately? Have you talked about them to a doctor? ( I'm conscious of not expressing this well, sorry! ) How does your present sickness and nausea compare with your past experiences? I'm a little concerned that your feelings of anger, despair and suicidal feelings might be obscuring, at least to some extent, a detrioration of your physical condition? ( I'm a Celt, we worry....a lot....but, we worry poetically, and frequently in song...although the way I sing.......! ) That's certainly the way it was with me. If I hadn't been so depressed anxious and physically low, perhaps I might have noticed the symptoms of Genetic Haemochromatosis, ( Just because I have it doesn't mean that I can spell it! ) sooner?
Sorry for another obvious question. But, have you tried nutritional drinks like Complan, etc. I found them helpful. Although, I can't use them anymore myself as they contain too much iron.
I'm really sorry to hear about your problem with your primary nurse. I've been fortunate in being able to work quite comfortably with all the psychiatric/support/medical staff that I've encountered. ( Although, I have to admit to being slightly more comfortable with some more than others. Some of them were even ENGLISH! )
Seriously though, is there any way that you could change your primary nurse? Perhaps on some " diplomatic " pretext?
Just a thought. It may be that you haven't " exhausted Mark's patience ", it may be that he's just worried about you, and frustrated that he can't help you as much as he would like? ( Men are " problem- solvers ", if we can't " solve " a problem we can often handle things badly. ( Sigh! ) Eg: When my Mother was ill, it used to upset my Father so much he would simply go into denial that she was ill at all. Which helped him cope with his unsettled feelings about my Mother been ill. But, made my Mother feel slightly alone perhaps?
Anyway, you've got enough to feel low about, without this post turning into an extended course on Me Trying To Be Supportive By Stating The Obvious In 10 Easy Lessons!
But, please take care of yourself as much as you can, y'hear?
( PS You're not going to make me say something nice about you are you? I mean you being an English person and all? I've got a reputation as a Celtic hardman to keep up! )
( PPS Actually, I have a reputation as a Celtic hardman to start entirely from scratch! )