What is the point (cross angry post) - (possible triggering)

[EmmaliciouS]

To anything, generalized. I got a topic going on someplace else on the forums and am just sort of scanning through other places in search of answers to questions and general things about life and all that.
But i dunno, moment a clarity maybe, what actually is the actual point? To anything?

Breaking down the meaning, let's say the prime reason is reproduction. Why? Why is that the prime reason? Our existence is purpose built to serve as what, a conduit? Are supposed to live out a miserable unhappy and pointless life for the sole purpose of bringing a child into this disgusting world? Why? Where's the moral and or logical justification?
And anyway, i'm a woman so the fact i'm gay means i can't have children, does that validate my worth? Does that, in the eyes of the world negate my purpose? Let's say, hypothetically that it does, then what else is there? Point wise. What? Tell me please i'd love to know why to bother, really.

Am writing this, well, as can probably guess in an extremely cross state right now. Just so completely livid at i dunno everything.
Fiancee and i seperated, so no happy ever after. Can't have children cos i'm gay, mother hates me have no friends only people who resent me either because of my sexuality or because i'm too screwed up in the head after half the world practically took away everything i had last year and they don't get that am not over it. Sick of no work. Sick of no money. Sick of the council la de da oh life is so wonderous ah la la lets have a sing song. Why, what's the point.

I have one human being left on this entire planet who cares about me and our oh so loving and caring god has decided to hand him back his cancer, thanks, thanks so much, wow. My grandad, here's a guy who would never hurt a fly and gets what? Cancer, me? A selfish, arrogant, nasty cow who's so self-obsorbed and antagonistic i've single handedly managed to remove every possible outlet of help from the poison dripping of my mouth or from my fingertips, but what do i get? I get what i don't deserve, the chance to carry on living when he gets to die. The hell is the justification? He wants to live, i wanna die, and yet here we are, the point of life when all you wanna do is tear your throat out. Wish i had his illness, better than i deserve, when innocent people are dying all around the world and i such a pitiful waste of skin can sit here and bleed out some putrid jargon about poor old me with my garbage life, am less than nothing. Can't even contribute to the simple purpose of life to begin with. So what in gods name is the point?

[shatteredhopes]

First, just because you are gay doesn't mean you cannot have children!!! Women get artificially inseminated from sperm donors all the time, and plenty of gay couples adopt children in need of a home. But I hope children are not the only point in life, if so I am totally screwed!

I really think that each person has to find meaning in this horrible life for themselves and the answers are not the same for everyone. Yes, life can be totally unfair, so true. Sorry to hear about your Grandfather. But for me, because life around the world is sooooo horrible for so many, human trafficking, genocide and ethnic cleansing, famine, child soldiers, etc., etc., the point is to try to bring some goodness and true love into the world. For me, God cannot exist without a vehicle/person to be made manifest in a sense...because the world is unfair and so cruel, to try to be a vessel for love...volunteering for a worthy cause and helping another, or simply offering supportive posts to others on this website even and encouraging others who are hurting...helping others gives some meaning to life, for me.

The answer may not be the same for you. Maybe one day you will find someone you truly love to spend your life with, and that mate gives your life meaning. Maybe it will be a project you undertake in the future, a sort-of life's mission. Maybe it will be just carrying on as best you can finding pleasure in simple things. Or something else.

I highly recommend Victor Frankyl's books, "Man's Search for Meaning" I think is the title of the first. He is a survivor of a concentration camp and wrote about what, in the face of so much horror, gave life meaning for some and enabled them to carry on and survive.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[EmmaliciouS]

Heya, little better than yesterday, so cross yesterday. Bit calmer now. Will search around for the book you recommended, don't contribute anything to society because i can't get employment so will have plenty of time to read and such ^^
Do have two interviews next week though, won't get them but meh we'll see.

Anywhoo, i do want children, i used to want it so much when was lil, suppose could always go down that or the adoption route. Would give me a point if had a child, care after them and such, too little confidence and personal strength or mental strength lately though. But maybe in a few years with a partner who feels the same and a steady life etc.. which, is of course a pipe dream. Can't even care for myself let alone a child. But the idea is nice. Suppose that's enough to provide purpose for the mean time, demoralising, but yeah i guess never know how things plan out.

I always feel bad when people bring up problems around the world, i know it's selfish to whinge about my life when there are people out there who would love to have it. Know is another personality fault with me, do feel guilty when i moan and i moan all the flamin' time just waiting for i dunno everything be ok again. Know is selfish and stuff, but doesn't mean i can't try and better my life without feeling guilty though.
God thing, yeah think i've officially given up on religion, can't excuse his absence and frustrated with myself trying to justify his supposed love and care for me and the world when it's so blatantly absent. Not meaning be offensive at all to religious people and stuff cos i wouldn't, but just feel lil neglected maybe.

Hopefully that is what life's point is, to find someone or do something that makes it worthwhile, like finding a soulmate. Just i dunno, have that gut feeling i already had them and lost it. Not the brightest spark in the box, never recognize a good thing 'till i shove it away.
But maybe there might be better stuff on the horizon, just for know i guess the horizon has thunder & lightning and gotta keep baring the storm for a while.
One day though, maybe. Hopefully.

Thanks nice words

[crystalgaze]

Glad you are doing a little better! (((((((((( Emmalicious ))))))))))))

I understood what you were saying in your 1st post....

I have always thought, "Can't I be more than the sum of my biological function?"

& the answer I've come up with is: "Yes...." A lot of people think that something is wrong with me because I know to myself & in my heart that I do not want any kids. I've felt that way mostly for 10+ yrs.

I am not against people having a child in general, but to me, it doesn't really seem that they truly think about it--in any great detail. It's as though it is just something to do, a claim to fame (what fame by the way?)It's truly an irksome attitude to me....

& I think: Isn't there any better reason than that? Can't they come up with a good reason?

That up there particularly bothers me because I've had people trying to tell me to do. It's not a rant at you & how you feel. Alright?

I will still say this even though you are doing better:

1. Do not curse anyone or God. (It really isn't about God.... It's about YOU.) You don't have to agree with me; that's just an opinion.

I only say that because it's like negativity on top of negativity & then the cycle continues.

2. It's not fair about your grandpa; it's not fair about my dad. However, there is going to be something that takes you out of the world. It's inevitable & so, if you can, spend time with him & cherish that time + him, as much as you can.

Perhaps, your grandpa can serve as inspiration to help you get better? (A sort of working to pull yourself together to be able to comfort him or each other)

3. Your life's purpose is also relative. People may not agree with me, but I do not think everyone's purpose is the same: meaning some people have kids & others don't. It's not a big deal. It doesn't mean that you are any less because you don't want to have any or you can't have any & like you & S-hopes said, adoption is an option.

4. Please go easy on yourself (& that is for both of us).

Take care!

[EmmaliciouS]

Heya, thanks nice words. Yeah yesterday was a tad better, today was probably the hardest day since my brother passed, hardest day for 5 months today. Incredibly trying day. One those days you can't seem to stop crying. Vulnerable as hell. Think i wallow, dunno why when am sad i put on depressive music and things.. moronic, difficult day today. Really hated on today, just gonna go bed, can't wait for it to end.

Good did come from it in a sense though, i know who & what cause some of my problems and i gonna take them out my life. So am going to sell my house back to the bank (currently i'm on borrowed time as it were, stress is crippling my mind so i'm just gonna wave white flag and hand it over) which in turn means i can do as you suggested, spend more time with my grandad because i'll have to move in with him. So that's the silver lining.
Other factors like my mother, am not going to tell her about my move & she doesn't know my mobile, so this should keep her away for good. Which will help, puts more strain on me than anything.
Things like the internet where i tend to get attacked alot, am someone who defends things pretty passionately and online you tend to be attacked if someone disagree's, hurts my psyche. So will cut it down to just sites dedicated to helping me, rather than hindering.
Can't sacrifice the music and photos and wouldn't ever, but this is all still progression. Which is good. Won't get me friends, family or employment. But is better than the current.

On the children thing, spent alot of today convincing myself that the reason i was born gay was specifically to prevent me from having children, i do think it's God related, i know ya said it isn't but it just makes sense. Best way to prevent someone who would give anything to be a mother is to turn them gay, can adopt though but i know i won't. Dunno where i stand on any of it to be honest, too young to worry about it now i suppose anyway. Mentally fragile anyway, will probably address it another time.

I hope your right, that there is other reasons to living than this. I agree, it is a kind or irksome attitude. I get really jealous of parents, know they aren't parading children about to intentionally upset me, but do feel like life should mean more than just the *as you brilliantly described* 'the sum of my biological function'
Maybe is other things, i think someone said to me in a other thread *may of been Tacking i think* about finding things to make it worth living or something along those lines, and as you said, my grandad, i know he would need me so for now i have worth i suppose. Least it validates the short term.

So much rattling around in my head. Hate being young, just dunno what to do about anything. Should be at uni having fun, disgrace to my generation and just about everything. Waste of space.
Gonna stop there before get on the self-loathing train.

Ta nice words.
(Can also quick add that i know i've not helped anyone on this forum yet, and most my posts are in my own threads designed to help me out. Know that thats selfish, but i haven't not noticed. If i do get better, i will come back to this site and help people out, is just if i gave help now it would be empty help 'cos i can't adhere to my own advice and i don't wanna do more harm than good by offering bad advice 'cos of my moods. But will help when am better, wouldn't neglect here 'cos i got fixed. Is appreciated the people that've helped out in many my threads - guess is a apology for being all take & no give)

[crystalgaze]

You know.... You really must go easier on yourself.... Have you seen how many threads that I've started on here.... Gosh... You're nowhere as bad as I am....

Please don't feel guilty about using the forum... I've used it & I try to give back where & when I can in my own little way. That is all...

You do have a lot on your plate, right now.... Maybe you just need time & one day you will be able to recover properly enough. Don't worry about it, alright? Good? GOOD!

[EmmaliciouS]

Heh (^_^)

Yush, good
Made me laugh

That and i just scoffed the biggest bag a choccies in all the land ^^
Am k now, go up & down alot during the day, but yush, feel alright