how i feel

[neogeo]

Feeling really down and anxious today. Still cannot pinpoint what caused me to"snap" on feb 2nd. The group sessions seem to help a little, and they keep upping the doses on my meds. My wife still won't talk or ask me anything. Won't even go for a one on one with me and the doc. When i ask all she says I don't have a problem you are the one with the problem, makes me feel even crappier. Seems like there is no exit from this dark tunnel i am in. Still think ending it all is the better option.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I can't really comment on your post in detail, sorry. I mean I've never been married, I'm not a medical professional, and I have had little experience of group sessions.
So, you might reasonably ask why are you taking your time to read this post at all? Please bear with me, as we move on to what ( Little? )I do know...
I felt suicidal last June, I couldn't imagine anything other than the fear, anxiety, isolation and despair that felt so dangerously close to being my only option. I, myself, couldn't see any way out of the dark.
HOWEVER, by the Grace of God, I got a lot of help, and got to where I am now. A place at least on the road to recovery, a place I couldn't have imagined being eight months ago, but now a place where I AM in truth.
I'd be lying to you if I said that the thought of suicide has never occurred to me since June last year. But having a thought does NOT mean acting on a thought. You say that the group sessions are helping a little? That your meds are being adjusted? Would you forgive me if I said that it sounds as if you still have alternatives, options, possibilities?
I'm not presuming to advise you what do do. It would be crass and arrogant to the point of absurdity for me to start dispensing homilies on how other people should live their lives!
However, if I'm going to be a man, if I'm going to be of any sort of use to this site and the people who have helped me, I have to speak my piece.
I feel that ending it all is NOT the better option. I still feel depression and anxiety. I accept that they might always be there at the fringes of my consciousness, sly and implacable. But, there ARE ways out of the darkness with help, and a lot of luck! I don't know where my future will take me. But, by the Grace of God, I will always think of suicide as the greatest mistake I NEVER made.
I so hope that someday you will feel the same. Just some thoughts, hope you'll forgive me if I seem presumptious, but that is truly not my intention.

[shatteredhopes]

First, I suggest you ask your doctor or group leader for information on depression for families members that you can bring your wife to educate her a bit. Second, recently dandelion posted in the articles section an article about the effect of one partner's depression on the relationship and how it can impact it...find and print that article and share it with your wife, so maybe she can start to see its not just your problem, when one of couple has a problem, it should be the couple's problem, and in the case of depression, can dramatically affect the relationship unless both are willing to adapt and work together...

I know it hurts, but tacking is right, we need despite the death wish, to HANG IN THERE...you haven't been on meds that long and you've just started with group therapy and this site, so please, hard to be patient, but unfortunately these things don't get cured overnight. And even if never fully cured, they can become more manageable with the right help. At least you are in a position where you can get help, so there is HOPE for significant improvement.

Find some little things you enjoy....anything creative? Do you play an instrument, like to listen to music, read or write poetry? Journaling? Gardening? You mentioned in another post you had a friend and co-worker who were sympathethic...can you go with them for coffee or tea? Talking and socializing might help...sounds trivial but my little cups of cocoa and hot bubble baths perk me up just a little when I do them, and I need to feel I am treating myself, that I am still somehow special and deserving, and to comfort and nuture myself as best as I can...find those little things for you that you can spoil yourself, nurture yourself, or comfort yourself with and to bring just a taste of pleasure back into your life...

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[neogeo]

Thank you for sharing with me your experiences. They have been very helpful. Did talk with both of my doctors and a they re-did my meds. Seems like one of cold meds was working against the other meds. Yes, i still have the thoughts, but they have lessened. And the co-worker i have talked with has been a serious shoulder to cry on. The problem is my wife thinks i am cheating on her because the co-worker is a female. I was brought up to believe that a man is less manly to show his emotions so it is hard even in group sessions for be to bare my soul to all and even to shed tears. I have tried talking with my wife about this but she stills says its me with the problems and sees no reason to go and talk with the doctors and me. My mood has improved a little, though that bad thought is still there. I still have bad dreams about suicide, but i don't think i could act on it because of son. And writing has helped alot. Thanks again

[crystalgaze]

Glad it is working out a little better for you!