How Are You Feeling?

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((mel, crystal, mich))))))))) (((((((((tacking)))))))))) soooo proud of/for you that you got started...one thing I do sometimes is fantasize a story out, with me or favorite actor as lead character, like a movie in my mind I can play over and adjust til I get it right and put it down on paper (which I haven't been doing lately...novel still in my head, not on paper )

Had rough spots yesterday but some little good things too. Weather is better today and thinking I need to force myself to go to one of my 12 step meetings...I have been thinking how much I would like to drink to dull the pain, even though I won't I am just wishing I could, so I need to go soon and also need to stop isolating...I need to force myself to be around people somehow.

Its just so hard to trust anymore. I was badly betrayed, abandoned by some, and three big hurts this past year with my ex, two friends...I don't know if I can ever trust again, but I want to force myself to try...maybe just not ready yet

I have so much fear of being hurt again, as I am still in pain from old hurts that linger...but hiding in my house not speaking with anyone except a few over the internet is not healthy.

I worry about something happening to my mom, as she's basically all I have left and she's elderly and disabled...

I don't have the courage to get back to work on my books...even though the stuff is pretty clear in my mind, can't seem to force myself to get it written...

Worry, worry, worry...that's how I describe my life...and tears, tears, tears. I am just plain afraid, but digging deep for courage to proceed despite the fear.

Honestly, I really just don't want to go on. I want to die so much. I know that's awful. But its the truth.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so wretched today. I can imagine at least to some extent how you are feeling. Sometimes I feel the same, that I can't recover, that my defences are irretrievably shattered, my emotional and material resources are too exhausted, my problems too insurmountable, my foes too strong, that faith might be a weakness rather than a strength, even if I could find it.....
I wish I could give you some wise advice about how I cope with those times. The truth is that I try to rememember my " thought-friends ", when I feel as if I'm going to be swept away, overwhelmed by shadows. Thoughts that help me hold on, hold out....
I'm relieved to see that even as low as you feel today, you still include some of these " thought friends " in your post.
You've admitted the truth of how badly you feel, and that you don't want to go on. However, you say that you ARE digging for courage. Courage that I AM, REALLY AM, confident that you CAN and WILL find.
You have a novel in your mind, material in your mind. What a shame if it never got further than that!!!!
I hope this doesn't sound trite, but I can read the pain and despair in your post, but I see the hopes, plans and strength there too. In the battle your waging today between your pain and despairl, and your hope, plamns and strength, I'm rooting for your strength!
Please, stick around, you never know when the " good stuff "might start...( That's what I tell myself, anyway!

[TackingIntoTheWind]

PS Sorry (((( Shatteredhopes )))), How did I manage to write a whole post in response to your post, without including your name?!

[crystalgaze]

(((((((((((Tacking))))))))))))) You're doing just fine! ~waves~

Let's see.... Early this morning was fine.

By the time late morning + early afternoon rolled in, I felt down, but I'm not going to make it a problem. I have a big decision to make soon. (Don't these ever quit?!) <----

[xn728]

(((((onika))))),,i hope your ok ,,you to have been a little quiet ,hope your not feeling to low ,,or maybe your just having one of your sleepy episodes ,,whatever it is onika ,,,take care and stay very safe ,,hugs lots of love kenny xxxxx

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((Tacking, Crystal, Ken))))))))))

The pain just lingers; it fills my chest like a gripping or crushing physical sensation and makes me want to scream then cry when it bubbles over the surface. How I wish I could take a pain pill or drink alcohol to dull the physical ache and taste euphoria.

So my project is a book, I will be writing parts, but its a collaborative effort and have now enlisted two wonderful partners to help me. I had by all accounts a great day yesterday and a somewhat productive day today...sending an email about my next piece I am going to write, did dishes (which were stacked up), turned in my prescription and got some meds, movie I love was on t.v., drank cocoa, got some cute emails from my youngest neice, and went to grocer and picked up few things including something good to make for dinner. I still just can't stop that feeling in my chest though...sometimes its milder than others and yet it becomes crushing or overwhelming when memories filter their way into my consciousness or get triggered by so many inadvertent little things that remind me...Now I completely undertand why people have always referred to "heartbreak" when speaking of loss...that's exactly the way it feels.

I am okay. Hanging on. Just sorta sad and can't stop the sorrow at times from overflowing and overwhelming me.

[lisalou]

dear shatteredhopes, i think it's one of the main characteristics of depression that no matter how much we try and no matter what good things there are we cannot totally escape from our feeling of sadness.

Having said that, it does sound like you are doing everything possible to keep pushing forwards. I am really proud of you!

sending lots of love, Lisa x

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Lisa, Tacking, Ken, S-hopes, everyone!

We may not be able to escape but.... it's how we manage it.... (not like it's easy....)

I think Warmie put that up in one of her posts for this month....

Wow... Can you believe the month is gone?! Goodness graciousness, great balls of fire!

S-hopes + Tacking, it sounds like you 2 are working on your projects! That's good to hear!

Let us all hang in there.... Doing okay today. Kinda lazy/tired....

[shatteredhopes]

((((((Crystal))))))) (((((((((lisalou)))))))) you are so right; unfortunately no matter what or how many good things happen, the severe hurts of last few years and all the losses linger into my present and sometimes its just overwhelming

My mom needed a few groceries so I went to the store for her and picked up lunch for us both (her treat) and she needed a little help with moving a few things and her recycling, so she gave me a much needed $20. So I bought some more good coffee and few things, which was wonderful unexpected help. My piece was published and friend who had raved about it sent me another e-mail telling how wonderful it was and how proud she was of me and urging me to send to some folks we know in case they don't see it. So by all accounts should have been a good day, just sooo down. Plus unhappy with minor change they made in my piece and two changes they failed to make that I requested. Oh well. Bummed that Olympics is ending as that had given me something to enjoy and entertain me and look forward to every day...

I am close to tears, but carrying onward. Life is just overwhelming at some times, with far more than I can bear. Its better than it was a few months ago, but still way too much difficulty in my life now. How I long to feel happy again...

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm feeling rather alone and rather detached at the moment.
I work with a good bunch of people, but the trade union where I work has called a two-day strike on Monday and Tuesday next week, and there is at times what feels like a certain awkwardness as a result between union members like me who will be striking, union members who won't be striking, and people who aren't in the union. Sigh!
I feel a bit lost because I don't see any alternative to striking. If we don't I believe and fear that, as my employers are so obsessed with cutting costs, our working conditions will get worse and worse if we just do nothing. But, at the same time, having a workforce and an employer at loggerheads is sad, bleak and hard.
I started this job nearly ten years ago, hoping to find a place to belong, something worth doing, a way back into " society. " And ten years later, I very often feel as if I backed the wrong horse. It so often feels as if my employers don't truly care about all their fine and noble objectives. So why should the " little people. " care? But, it's hard to feel like that, I want to be loyal, I think I am loyal, I do the job, but I have very little confidence or trust in my employers as a corporate body. As Fox Mulder once said " I want to believe, but the tools have been taken away. "
Also, because I've had so much sick leave recently, ( At least I think that's the reason, I'm still checking. Understanding the British Civil Service is a bit like trying to understand quantum physics! I lost a certain amount of pay from my last pay packet, so March is going to be a bit " interesting " financially!
Still, as least I have a job, and by the Grace of God, I just need to weather a few " bumps in the road " and I'll feel in better spirits
And, if rumours are true, the new season of Doctor Who should be starting in the not too far future!!!!
A new Doctor!!!! ( Matt smith. ) now there's a reason to live!!!!!!!!
Be well (((( all ))))!!!! As we say in Anmesty International: " It is better to light a single candle, than to curse the darkness. "

[Mel234]

Lately, this past week I've had some good moments but then something happens and my mood goes from happy to sad/angry, it's bothersome.
I'm getting tired of these little anxiety attacks I get too, I get panicky and hid in my room all day.
Idk, I've been feeling very unmotivated and down lately. :/

[crystalgaze]

I feel similarly Mel.... unmotivated + down.... or something like that....

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I have to admit that I've felt the same as (((( Mel234 and crystalgaze )))). But, I keep telling myself that there will be times like this. Even if it feels like two steps forward, one step back, as long as we're still keeping some sort of balance and moving forward, however small and unceratin the steps may be, we're coping and making progress.
Keep the hope of better days (((( All ))))!!!!

[dandelion]

((((((((((((((((( Everyone ))))))))))))))))))

Lately, lots of feeling are going on inside of me:

1. Angry - I feel angry at myself for letting this depression gets into me so much, there are times where i feel so so angry at myself so much that i feel like i want to beat myself up.

2. Hurt - Feeling hurt, nobody in real life understand, it's been almost a year that i am like this, can't function well, i took a lot of days of because i have very lack motivation, sick etc etc, and they think i am purposely doing this to myself when they don't know how hard it is for me to get out from this, how much i try to feel better once again, i can laugh, yes i can, but i laugh because they want me to laugh, not because i want to

3. Lonely - it seems that depressed people deal with loneliness too, and so am I. I feel so alone sometimes, i like to do fun stuff, i like going out, go for shopping, take a walk, or just go and spend time with somebody...But, i don't have anybody here that i can do that kind of stuff together. Looking back, how funny it is to see the damages that depression had done to my life. I used to have friends that i can rely to, going out together, do stuff together, but now...everybody is busy with their own life...

4. Give up - I am so stressful lately, so stressful that my head hurts so much, to be honest, i had make plan...how i am going to end my life and how it will benefit those that i left behind, my death will bring more benefits than my existence. But if i did that, that's give up...and i don't like to give up, i hate the word give up. And i know that this is not the right time to say goodbye, this is not a good time to say goodbye, I still have a lot to look forward to, life is still beautiful and i still believe that i am going to be happy once again. See how i try to persuade myself that this isn't a goodbye yet? and i believe that everytime..this isn't a goodbye, i'm going to try and fight depression, i had made it this far, i am getting better, there's no way i'm going to raise my white flag to depression.

Sorry if it's triggering, i just feel like i need to let it go, it's killing me inside to know how weak i am, how vulnerable i am, but i'm going to try anyway. Hope everybody has a great day ahead

dandelion

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((dande))))))))))) BIG HUGS!!!!!!!

I can relate to every single thing you posted. I think all of us can. Sometimes I can fight, sometimes I cannot and the depression becomes overwhelming and I battle the suicidal thoughts too. I feel sometimes like you that the world would be better because of my death, as I am not working right now so I am a burden to society and what little I have could be sold to pay my bills off and donated to a great charity...but then sometimes I have a little hope that I will get myself together and make a contribution to the world and know happiness again...

1) You are working and volunteering, which is more than many can manage with depression, and going to school! You are making a difference when you tutor and the world is better for your efforts and presence, and your moderating and supporting people in the chatroom and on the forum provides a very valuable service that keeps us all secure and confident that this is a safe environment...you are a making a difference every day with your life even though it is hard for you. That shows strength, character, and compassion in you that this world could use a lot more of, not less!

2) You were doing much better for a while then I think you went off meds, could you consider going back on if you are off? If you are somewhat bi-polar like me you have good days and bad days and the good days will come again...just try to hang on and comfort yourself as best you can during the darkness...do what you have to do to nurture yourself and JUST HANG ON ANOTHER MINUTE, HOUR, DAY, WEEK...things could be great tomorrow; frustrating I know as I have loads of bad days and very few good, but knowing sometimes I do have a good day here and there helps me hang on a little better.

3) I too feel like my mental illness drove everyone away, but then I remember some of things people have done to me and realize its a two way street, friendship and family and love...its not all my fault, nor is it yours that not everyone in your culture accepts you for who you are, as you are...that is their prejudice, ignorance, or lack of tolerance or whatever...but we do accept you here and we care about you and we are your friends and whenever you feel lonely, just drop by the forum or chatroom and you can be with us...we care and we love you as you are.

BIG HUGS AGAIN!!!!!!!!! JUST HANG ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!