Depression Understood Forums

so it's almost 3 am and i'm having such a hard time right now that i dont know what to do. nothing helps me anymore. i feel like a zombie, just wandering through life, endless minute by endless minute.

i'm not motivated to do anything. and anything that does capture my attention for more than a few minutes just lessens the hurt, it's always still there. i don't like myself at all. i see nothing about myself that i like. i'm scared about everything. i panic over everything. i'm always worrying. i'm never completely happy and i don't know how to be. there has to be more to life than this. i used to be a happy person. i see no light at the end of the tunnel, only pain. i see people happy, living their lives with the person they love. i don't think i'll ever have any of that. i hate this so much, i just want to scream. i don't know what to do, i don't know who to turn to. this isn't me. i don't know who me is. there's nothing i can point to and say, "yes, that makes me who i am." it's like i'm in the middle of an ocean, with no landmarks or life rafts. just the endless expanse of the deep, huge, dark ocean below me.

i'm running out of ideas to keep me sane. what's bad is i sleep a lot. at least while i sleep i don't hurt, and i'm another person and i'm happy. it's the only time i can say i am happy, because i'm not worrying about anything.

i just don't know what to do anymore.

IVE LEAD MY LIFE LIKE THIS ALSO MY FREIND AND I HAVENT GOT A LOT TO HELP YOU WITH REALLY ,i spend many a day a drift on that very ocean waiting for the creatures beneath to come and consume me ,,but it never happens and from somewere we must find the strentgh to carry on
43 years my freind ,that my sentence so far ,,so like i say cant help much but ,let you know im out there with you ,,and if you call out in that darkness i will return that call so you may know you dont drift alone ,,
like im here now ,,,ill sail with you awhile my freind if you like ,and i
will carry some of that burden you have within you so you may rest
stay strong my dear freind ,,,reach out and i will catch your fall hugs ken xxx

thank you for the kind words ken. i appreciate it, and it does help to know you are there. i am doing a little better today. hopefully it means a good week to come.

I had read your post before & couldn't think of something for you. Well, I came up with something now.... Hopefully it is helpful to you!

All right. If you don't already do it, why not try keeping a log/journal? (Personally, I believe that there are different journals you can keep--food, exercise, emotions, events, etc.)

In your post, you said you used to be a happy person. For a log entry or just a sort of map, how about trying to recall that time?

(e.g. What made you a happy person? Did you have hobbies back then? If so, what? Would you like to try any of them again, if you can? When were you happy? etc. Stuff like that...)

Then, you set a goal or many goals, & try to work toward them. (Let's say to recreate/rekindle the qualities that you had/maybe even still have...)

The point of the log is to (hopefully) help you figure out what happened. Did you suffer a hurt some place? (One that you didn't think was major? or that you just shrugged off, but still bothered you?) Was there a major event?

You see the post that started this thread? I would keep it, & print it out even. You say a lot of what it is that bothers you & it should help you in your journey to address them!

Take care!

Crystal, that's a wonderful suggestion and I will think about doing that. I've done a lot of reflection the last few months over my life and what's effected me the most and what's changed me. And maybe I should put those thoughts down on paper, maybe it'd make more sense to me, and maybe make me feel better about myself. I'm going through a desperately tough time right now in my life where I have no idea who I am or who I want to be. And I'm having to make some tough decisions about my future. And maybe writing will help me get through that. I will see. Thanks so much for the advice, I am fortunate to know you all are here when I need to vent.

Hi there jonathan! ((((((((((((((((((( jonathan ))))))))))))))))))))))))

Maybe writing will help you put it all together... You know like when you do a puzzle? We'll see!

About not knowing who you are, this may sound odd, but I would say, "Don't worry about it!" Now here's why....

(I know every one won't be like me, but) I went through the same thing! Eventually, I simply--almost quietly--evolved.

A way to find out who you are could be to start asking yourself some questions. For example, let's start with something fun & then get to more serious things. All other things being equal,

What would you do if you won the lottery?
Do you think you'd ever skydive or bungee jump?
Would you do any thing for money? (What are your limits?)
Do you like to help others? Why/Why not?
What do you fear? How will you jump the hurdle?
Would you try a sudoku/crossword puzzle?
What's your idea of friendship? love?
Does Valentine's Day or Xmas or some other holiday bother you?
Do you like to dance/sing?

These are just some things to start with for now. If you don't have an answer, don't worry. One will reveal itself to you at some point.

Feel free to start a thread with your thoughts. Come on & type them out or something. That may help.

_______________

Even though I have "evolved" (like some sort of Digimon character ), I am what you see. (That's probably one of my favorite lines from Red XIII in Final Fantasy 7.)

I am what you see: sometimes vulnerable, easily frightened, annoyed, angered, but also loving, caring (even though I may not want to admit that) & also loved + cared for--at least by other forum members.

Smart, sometimes too smart for my own good, A-ok, funny, thoughtful, etc.

Even though I have traits/qualities I can list, that somehow doesn't quite feel like an answer to the question.

I would have to say I am me--whatever that is... so that's also scattered, clumsy at times (physically, socially, etc), goofy, shy, spontaneous, impulsive, fiery, a bundle of nerves, a fountain of blood in the shape of a girl (Bjork's lyrics), maybe even a little strong, nice, quiet/reserved, & probably ???...

??? is probably the best descriptor & that popular line in Forrest Gump (something about life being a box of chocolates & you not knowing what it is you're going to get).

Don't give up all right? Something will dawn on you. I'm sure. I encourage you to think of your traits/qualities, write them down to remember them & keep them close!

& if you don't think of any, how about thinking about how you want to be to work toward becoming just that?

(Okay... I've said a mouth full....! )