Damaged Beyond Repair

[Mich]

I told my doctor the other day that I believe I am damaged beyond repair. I just cannot seem to take the necessary steps to climb out of this hole. I am trying hard in therapy....talking (writing) about traumatic events etc but when I am home alone I find it hard to do things to move myself forward. I wore the same clothes for a week and even slept in them some nights and just today changed my top. Finding the little things to give me a glimmer of joy is near impossible. I isolate myself all day. Today I have to pick my son up from an exam and three of his friends need rides home. I am absolutely dreading that. The thought of being in the car with 4 14 yr old boys just terrifies me. It's so ridiculous but I would do anything to get out of having to provide this carpool....but I can't. It's hard to remain hopeful that depression will ever end. It's hard to imagine a life beyond this.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm feeling much the same at the moment, as you may have read from my recent post about moving to Morroco!
So, I'm going to ask you to believe what I'm asking myself to believe. I'm clinging to the idea that no-one, no-one is ever truly damaged beyond repair. And, I'm asking you to cling to the same idea. I can't truthfully say that I believe it myself at the moment, but I'm clinging to it, and I'm asking you todo the same. Consider, just consider, that I'm right, that you and I and everyone can find our way to better times, to at least better moments.
I'm tired, lonely and scared, but I'm going for one more daft, Quixotic attempt to put get to better times. And, I'm so hoping you'll do the same, and everyone on this site! please?!

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Sorry, that may have sounded painfully trite. But, please hang in there. You would be missed.

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((((Mich)))))))))))) ((((((((((((tacking in the wind)))))))))))) is right, we have to try to believe that healing is possible, at least somewhat; I too feel damaged beyond repair many times, but other times I can manage a little hope or a smile...

One time I went to the hospital and my friend took my clothes to wash and left me with nothing but a hospital gown, not even a pair of underwear. I felt so exposed and vulnerable and cold and tied a hospital gown on the back to cover my backside. I remember when I finally got up to the Psych unit many many hours later, in total distress and so upset, they gave me a pair of cotton socks...for some reason putting on those socks was like the best feeling in the world...I still remember how good it felt to have something to put on my feet and not feel so damn naked...

My point is...sometimes the littlest things help...if you can force yourself to shower and put on clean clothes...it seems to work backwards sometimes the way if we take care of the symptoms we can help our original depression...so I know you aren't finding joy, can I tell you what I do sometimes? There are a few movies I watch of people overcoming overwhelming obstacles...Rudy (Notre Dame football player, not the Mayor of New York one, based on true story), Remember the Titans (true story), Under the Tuscan Sun, and A Beautiful Mind (based on true story)...also, silly, but I love Legally Blonde...some are facing worse than me some less so, but to see people succeed despite all the obstacles and almost certainty of failing under the suffering...it perks me up...maybe have a little marathon of movies that do that for you? Just curl up with a blanket and watch something that makes you BELIEVE...hope just for a moment...then maybe you can get your courage up to do things you have to do like with the carpool or shower and put on clean clothes...

Most times I cannot manage, but once in awhile, I dare to dream...to fantasize what I might like to try to achieve in my life...I haven't found much so far that's realistic that I can believe in...but it inspires to seek something that might make enduring the pain worthwhile...that even if the pain never fully goes away, maybe there is something that could make life worth living again and enduring the suffering worthwhile...to try to hold on to something to hope for in the future, like right now, I'm holding on just hoping to get a pair of little birds someday...when I think painful or negative things, I just picture petting one on its little head with my finger and it momentarily eases the pain...can you find a good or peaceful or hopeful thought you can focus on when it gets unbearable?

Your children and your husband and we need you to hang in there, hard as it is, hang on (((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))))....visit warmsoul's corner and re-read her jokes...see if you can just manage a smile or little laugh to lighten your load...I am thinking of you, I care, and want to see us both get better and find some enjoyment in life again...

Applaud yourself for whatever you do manage to do...take care of the dog for instance or fix dinner...don't be hard on yourself for what you can't do...you are suffering a serious illness and from old trauma, its hard...and if you have to, go to the hospital, your husband will just HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT like it or not, you have to take care of yourself first to be there for your family...

I care, my sister, my friend...just hang on to whatever you can to cope...

[crystalgaze]

Mich, I was the same at one point. If showering is an issue, do you have a tub to take a bath instead? Get your fave bubble bath & just take a soak. Do you have a favorite soap? If so, use that! If not, find one!

I don't know if this is a good idea, but if you have a camera, why not try for some kind of picture project? Take one every day! My point with this is that it can help you stay aware of how often you are re-wearing your clothes.

If not that, since you are journaling, why not try keeping a log of what you are wearing?

Things are hard for a bit, but you are not entirely gone/lost yet. I'm SURE of it!

If you are damaged beyond repair, there is always still a chance to RECREATE a new you! Whatever you recreate, just make sure it is a DOABLE you! That's how I managed! Little steps at a time!

I found I was not able to get back to exactly who I was. My quirks are still very present: forgetting my thoughts, forgetting mid-sentence, being seriously junky/disorganized/chaotic, breakdowns + scatteredness

Don't let whatever it is that is robbing you of your life CONTINUE to rob you of it ANY MORE. Take back control! It's your life & you CAN be happy once more.

[Lunawdc]

ugh- I am so sorry to hear that you feel so badly, but I am amazed that there are people out there in similar circumstances to my own. I have been sleeping in my clothes, and I do change in the morning but only because i have to go to work. and then I come home. sleep. change. work. home... I can't figure out how I managed to isolate myself so completely. the depression I live with is so overwhelming although I so weirdly fake it through work pretty well. if anyone saw how I live outside of work I am afraid they would lock me away for sure.
off topic-- has anyone had any experience w/ ECT treatments? I am headed in that direction and it scares the bejeezus out of me!
anyway, mitch, I feel for you and the pain you are in. tomorrow is another day I suppose, right? it could all change, at least there is the possibility if you just keep going--

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((Mich))))))))) if it gets unbearable and you are getting close to self harm, even in not eating with your anorexia, next time you go do the doctor's office tell the doc you are afraid of or are hurting yourself and go DIRECTLY to the hospital from the doctor's office...that way your husband will just have to deal with it and it will be the doctors guidance putting you in the hospital and so maybe your husband won't give you too much lip...just a thought, worried for you...and don't want you to not seek help because your husband simply doesn't understand how much you need it.

So glad you are gunna get some movies, sometimes something simple like that helps me, encourages me, or at least distracts me momentarily from the pain...

I hope you can manage to take a shower and put on some clean clothes more often...sometimes little things like that are impossible to get going actually doing...I know...but once we do them, we feel a little better and can feel proud we did it...I always feel better after soaking in a bubble bath or washing my hair for instance...for a few minutes my skin is so soft and smells so good and I feel relaxed after a bubble bath...the little things are sometimes the ONLY things that keep me going...

((((((((Luna))))))))) check under Your Story on the index, go back a few pages under that section, and you should find a post from Monty about ECT that is full of information...I went through it and wasn't helped, but Monty WAS helped....so if you are thinking about ECT, check out that post...

((((((((((Mich)))))))))) hang on another minute, hour, day at a time...we care about you sister and friend...let me know what you think of Tuscan Sun! When she is renovating the house, I get to cleaning in the room i'm watching in...silly but i put that movie on when I need to motivate myself to clean...

Wishing you light and peace and comfort in your day...

[Lunawdc]

thanks for the info- I will go and read the post. how did you decide to have ect? how did it not help- did you just feel the same?

[Joanna-x]

I can totally understand how you are feeling even though i'm just 14 myself. Being around other people can feel like a disaster which is understandable why you don't feel up to doing these things, but i guess to get yourself out of the depression hole (which is what i'm focusing on myself) is believing that there is a way out. Hope makes you stronger and there is always a solution.

[xn728]

(((((MICH ))))),your not beyond repair mich ,your just in a low and negative thoughts are running around your mind like crazy ,,you always have kind words for people here ,and your a wonderful freind to us and a fantastic mother to your children ,,as they grow older mich ,dealing with the depression will seem easier for you ,they will understand more and you wont have to hide as much ,,your a great wife to and one day things will get better,,one good thing goes with another ,,,no matter how far the darkness takes us we will always come back ,,i think im a good example
of that saying dont you ,,,thanks for your support while ive been on my journey mich,,,dont ever forget ,just because you cant hear my voice ,
doesnt mean to say im not here ,,,,,stay safe (((((mich ))))) we all care and love you very much ,,,hugs ken xxx

[lisalou]

dear mich, all i can add is that i really love and care for you too and I hope you can find the strength to keep battling through this awful illness. so many times i have felt that i will never get better and nearly ended my life but then there have been moments in between and things that i've somehow achieved that remind me that life is worth it and I am worth it too.

You are worth it too. Never feel all alone when I understand you so well and think of you day by day

Lisa xxxxx

[xn728]

YOU SEE MICH lisa comes here to say how much she loves you ,,myself and lisa have both been at that place were you suffer so much but like us you will come back because ,,your strong like us ,,come home mich ,,
were waiting to hug you and let you know its ok ,,,,there is something better for us we have to be patient ,,,,hugs (((((mich and lisa)))))
ken xxxx

[Mich]

The darkness surrounds me. I have been trying very hard to distract myself and fight the urges to self harm. I went to some activities of my kids this weekend and I let my daughter have some kids here to sleepover (this is always extremely anxiety provoking for me). I have slept in my clothes last night and now sit here in the same clothes this morning knowing that I have neither the will nor the energy to change them.
I am in a very agitated depression. The darkness surrounds while my mind is racing a mile a minute. I will need distractions today as this is when I am at my most impulsive and most likely to act out on my self hatred. I recognize this and yet I still do it most of the time. I want to read some Spanish but I know that reading is out of the question today. I should busy myself with some housework...maybe I will try to do that.
My thoughts are too scattered to continue here. Bye for now.

[xn728]

i have to go to work now mich ,,but im leaving the warrior to stand with you ,,he will guide you thru this dark time ,,he has no fear ,and his
presance you will not see ,but you will feel him there ,,,,know he,s there mich ,,and come out from that dark place ,,he will guide you home ,and wont leave ,till you are safe ,,no matter how long that takes ,,its the only thing i have ,,but he,s yours to keep you safe ,,,hugs ken (((((mich)))))
,,take care mich ,,ken xxxxx

[xn728]

AAAHHHHH (((((MICH ))))) the candle is burning mich as i promised ..
the warrior is at your side ,,your pain wont go away ,but he will protect you from harm ,,the darkness cant hurt you ,,but he wont allow you to hurt your self either ,,you must take care ,,there is so much love for you in here ,,if you were to come to harm ,a thosand voices would cry out in the darkness ,,and the sadness would travel the world in an instant ,and touch our hearts ,,,,take care mich ,,im in that darkness too ,,always ,,
i feel the same thing you feel mich ,,,we all do ,,your not alone ,we all sit here in our little peice of darkness ,,and watch that dim light flicker ,,
but we know that we are together in minds and hearts ,,,hugs (((mich )))
,,,,,,ken xxxxxxx