Moments of Loneliness

[jonathan]

So school has finally started back. It's a nice distraction in some ways because it keeps me active and I'm not locked up in my room all the time now in self-pity, but I still have moments throughout the day where I just feel so terrible. And it happens in the most random of moments - yesterday, I was just eating lunch in a cafe and I just felt so terrible. I wanted to cry so bad, sitting there. I felt so alone, yet here I am around all these other students, sitting with their friends eating lunch.

It also happens in the middle of class, just out of no where. And at home. I'm angry a lot, and I take it out on my parents. I don't know exactly why. I have no direction in life, and like I said before I'm so stressed and freaked out over graduating that I just wanna scream.

My emotions are all over the place, and I never know how I'm going to feel or react to something throughout the day. One moment I'm fine, then the next I'm a wreck. I am impatient, I hate waiting on anything, and I get annoyed and frustrated easily. I have no motivation anymore for anything school-related or personally related. I need to start looking for jobs and thinking about post-graduation plans, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I eat supper quickly in the evenings when I'm with the family because it makes me uncomfortable and I get nervous. I've said it before, but I feel so out of touch with myself, it's like I'm not even me. I don't even know who me is.

On the bright side I guess, since I last touched base with you guys, I came out to two people; I'm not really sure why, but I did. One was a close friend of mine I had before I started going downhill a few years ago (before my anxiety picked up and I started closing myself up in my room and making up excuses not to hang out with my friends). But I told her, though it was hard. She was cool with it, she told me she loved me and that she'd wondered before about it. That meant so much to me, her telling me she cared. I apologized for all the times I'd made up an excuse not to hang out, and she said while she was frustrated about it before, she understood.

The second was a friend I met online through the video game I play. I've known him for going on two years, and he's several years younger than I am (16 or 17). I'm not really sure why I decided to tell him, but I did. And he was also cool about it, completely understanding. Said he had friends who were too and that, most importantly, it didn't change our friendship at all. That meant a lot, and it was really great talking to him about it, I admit.

Anyways, thanks guys for being here. It means a lot.

[crystalgaze]

Hi there jonathan! I am glad things seem to be going well with your friends! Oh, what a relief!

As for college, hang in there.... You can do it! I was the same way when close to graduation & the thing was in that last semester I only took about 12 credits.... & I was STILL majorly stressed out & a wreck.....

When I get those moments similar to what you said in your post.... I really had to find a distraction.... & so..... I would either

listen to music
play a video game
sing, etc.

If I were in class, I would actually get up & go outside for a bit.... even if that meant going to wash my hands or throw water on my face....

Now, I grab for my lavender inhaler, try to chill with some relaxing tea or whatever (chamomile, etc.), lie down, etc. The only thing that singlehandedly worked for me was taking ionic vitamins + minerals every day.... Changing my diet also helped a bit.... ~lol~ The diet part is not easy, but I find I am not on edge as much when I stick to fruits, vegetables & chicken/fish....

Bread & other things of that sort just put me in outer space....

I hope you find something soon!

[jonathan]

Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you Crystal, just been kind of busy/out of it. But thanks for the suggestions, I definitely try listening to music as much as I can. It really can change your mood, it's amazing what good music can do for you.

A little update though. I had a good and bad weekend. Good cause on Friday I spent the afternoon/evening with my cousin and his gf. We went and bought food, cooked, watched a movie, and just hung out. I really enjoyed it, and it took my mind off my problems for those hours. The bad thing though was, I had to come home...it's like coming home is coming home to a prison or something, I really do dread it. I'm just here with my thoughts and sadness and loneliness and self-pity. And then at the same time, which leads me to the bad of the weekend, it's so hard to get out of it! It's my safety blanket...my cousin is probably the closest thing to a best friend that I have right now.

But my cousin had a party type thing last night. I was invited, of course, but I ended up turning him down. I was scared of all the people that would be there and therefore scared I'd freak out. But now, I regret not having gone. I should have. I really had nothing to lose going, instead I just sat here with my own thoughts. I chickened out, like usual. I keep letting myself down. And now I'm beating myself up over it.

And today was rough. I am extremely lonely, stressed, and paranoid. Just over everything. I feel out of control of my life. I am freaked out that I need to start life as an adult soon. And I have no motivation to figure it out.

I meet with my counselor again this week, I am hoping she can help me out some. In the mean time, I am glad you guys are here to listen. It means a lot.

[crystalgaze]

Not a problem jonathan!

You know.... About going on, I freeze up quite a bit myself!

But if I do go out to like a family gathering, I feel okay if I even just see someone I know or someone I like even if I don't talk to him/her.

If there is another party, why not try something like that? & maybe even setting a goal.... That you will at least go, walk around to see who you see, wait around a bit & then when you feel like it's time to leave, then leave.

I tend to find a spot unto myself at a party. Or I actually take something with me--book, my DS, or whatever.... Something to take my mind off of being around so many people.... Even if it's something to play with---Rubic cube or whatever....

I chicken out of a lot of stuff myself--even going to the store! (I dread going for some reason....) Don't be so hard on yourself; there will be tons of other people who will do just that. Be kind to yourself....

& a gentle hug for you: (((((((((((((((((jonathan))))))))))))))))))))

[JasonSmith]

Jonathan, I feel so similar to you. All of what you are mentioning sounds like I could have written it. I am freaked out about life, about friends (or not having them) about what I am going to do for work. I am really scared and angry (I also take it out on my parents) and upset that it is so tough for me. I want to scream, I want to just disappear, I want CHANGE but I don't know what to do. This weekend I am going to try to find something good about life, like hanging out with a friend or two on Super Bowl Sunday.

Why is life like this? Why is is so hard? I don't know but let's find a way to go through this together. We can share stories and unburden each other of things we've done (or haven't done) and help each other build a plan to make life better. Life isn't how you plan it, but we can make it better, find a perspective that makes it worth living. We are worth it!

I really appreciate your posts and hearing how you are doing, I also saw your other post up late and again am amazed at how your words sound like my own thoughts! Let's do this buddy!

[JasonSmith]

Hey Jonathan, are you very judgmental? I seem to judge everyone really harshly, including myself. Just curious, maybe you are similar.

Here is something that I think is doable. Rather than try to be so demanding about everything, just try to accept what you can get. Just try to be appreciative of the little things even if they aren't as good as you would ideally like them to be. Just say thank you for even the littlest things. Also try to put yourself out there a little, come out of the hermit crab shell and say thank you, just to experience whatever it is that happens. Even if it's not perfect, just say thanks.

I'm going to try this and see how it goes.