Overdose - Triggering

[Mich]

I am just back from the hospital. I overdosed on Wed. Carpet layers found me and called ambulance. I am still shaky but managed to convince my doctor I was no longer a threat to myself. Will write more later.

[xn728]

oh mich ,im so sorry ,how could you feel so alone to do this ,i know sometimes words cant help ,even though we have lots of freinds ,we cant see throught The pain ,and we do indeed feel hopelessness ,oh mich how i wish i could do more to help you ,thank god your ok ,please dont hurt yourself again mich ,you so loved here ,i wish i could make you see,
((((((mich ))))))),i carry you in my thoughts my dear freind i feel so damn
helpless ,sorry i cant do more ,,,hugs ken xxxx

[hollyann]

((((((((((((Mich))))))))))))) Thinking of you, you aren't alone. You have all of us here. Glad you are safe.

[Mich]

Feeling very shaky this morning and still don't feel safe so won't be left alone. The despair just took over me. I had called my psychiatrist and told him how I was feeling on Wednesday and when he didn't hear back from me he also called the police and an ambulance. I feel powerless to stop myself from these self destructive acts and I know I should think it through re all the possible consequences but when I am drowning in pain, I just cannot manage to do it. I should have stayed in hospital longer but family was pressuring me to come home. After all the destruction the pain is still there.

[xn728]

how much your family need and love you to want you to come home so urgently ,but you must take care ,,if i were to lose you my dear freind i would be heart broken ,i can ask nothing of you mich im merely a small
voice to many miles away to help you ,,please heear me mich ,i do know the pain is great ,i feel it myself ,and as you know if my life were my own
,i would end it quickly and without question ,,but it is not it belongs to my
wonderful family who need me ,,to be who i am ,,oh yes they know im not well but they no who i am ,the person that through so much pain
helps them all through there tough times and still has the power to make them laugh .and you mich part of my other wonderful family must stay safe because no matter what you think of yourself ,your family needs and loves you ,as we all do also ,,i own a share in your life mich as you do mine ,and i sorry but my share in you is not for sale you know what im saying ,,,,your a good mich ,,dont make me cry like i did last night lots
of hugs mich my dear freind ken xxx

[crystalgaze]

I don't have any words for this really. It hits very close to home. I do hope you will feel better soon!

[xn728]

hey mich ,,im gonna listen to some music soon ,you know i always think about my freinds ,i can never stop worring about you ,gave me a shock yesterday ,,good to hear you today mich ,,be good ,,goodnight hugs kenxxx

[Mich]

It is mid afternoon here and I have tried hard today to distract myself from the devastating feelings of sadness and hopelessness. I have played ping pong with my daughter, I have taken her out for a hot chocolate and a muffin, we have surfed the net together. Nothing is helping and I feel guilty that these activities are not helping my pain to subside. I know for sure I came home too early from the hospital. I feared my husband would be upset/stressed out if I stayed any longer. My husband has locked away all medication so I am safe from that. I feel so despondent. The tears are flowing and they so rarely come. I feel like I am going to die of this feeling...it is that intense. I hope for some relief tomorrow.

[xn728]

you wont die mich ,if feelings could kill us ,i would not be here today ,and
to cry ,i do it spontaniously ,even in the shop ,and i slowly quietly hide
myself away ,till the pain has run down my cheeks ,and gently burnt my face ,reminding me that im human and still have emotions that have not been taken by the darkness ,,,,oh muffins mich ,how can you be sad with
muffins nearby ,did you hide the sadness well mich so your daughter would not see ,did she enjoy her day with her wonderful mother ,,,of course you did ,keep the darkness hidden ,because your strong and brave
and your daughter did have a great time ,,all these things i did with my girls ,hard mich isnt it ,,but were better than the darkness that surrounds us ,,thats what makes it angry ,,tommorrow mich is yours take it as i will
take mine ,,share it with me ,,and well make it a good day ,nothing to
special just a good day ,,,enjoyed talking with you mich ,,take care
until tommorrow hugs ken xxx

[Mich]

I am no better today. I just want to escape from my own existence. I emailed my husband at work. I don't know what I expect him to do...I never bother him at work. I don't know what can make this better. My daughter wants to come home for lunch today. I don't know how I can face that. She will be chatting and it will be painfully hard for me to respond. I want to respond, I really do but I feel incapable. I want to lash out against myself again but my weapons have been confiscated: the drugs are locked up and my blades have been disposed of thanks to a conversation my psychiatrist had with my husband. I don't know whether to sit still or pace around. I cannot sleep, I know that. How to block this out. I am not well and feel as if I am truly losing my mind this time.

[DisposableSunshine]

Mich, I hope you can get through this without lashing out at yourself. I'm pleased you have nothing available to use.

Thinking of you, and hoping you can stay strong and maybe find something else to focus on for a while.

Jill

[xn728]

oh mich ,want can i do ,my heart breaks with your pain ,dont feel bad though its the same with all my freinds ,,i wish i had the answers for you mich ,im racking my brains as to what i can say to help you ,but if we go back thought the posts i think ive said it all ,,,why doesnt someone help you mich i dont ,or cant bear for it to be like me ,,when my phyco doc told me they cant help me ,,and would just keep me stable ,,,thats not for you mich ,,i was evil when i was young ,so i carry my pain as i should
but this is not the case with you ,,i can only ask that you keep yourself safe ,,i feel lost to ,even when im having agood day i still feel alone somewere big and empty ,so i know how you feel ,,,,i feel like screeming for you mich ,im sure you would hear me ,,please be safe for yourself and me ,,selfish of me isnt it ,,but id rather be selfish than freindless
we all need you me ,i need you ,,,,,,,take care never alone hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MICH i can do something ,,will you
listen tonight at 9pm my time ,,we,ll listen to jimmy hendrix again tonight
how does that sound ,,including voodo chile and purple haze ,,,like you
said mich awesome ,,dont forget ,,,,,,,,hugs ken ,,any requests mich ?

[shatteredhopes]

Tried posting twice yesterday, and both times when i clicked on emoticons, crashed . Anyway, sorry i haven't posted sooner, i admit, I was heartbroken by this...because I care so much about you.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves first Mich, if we are to have anything left to give to others. Please don't worry about your husband getting upset...if talking with fellow patients enduring similar feelings, getting daily therapy and reminders of healthy coping mechanisms, and taking a little break might ease your suffering a bit...please go back to the hospital. Since you are anorexic and if you are still not eating or not eating properly, you are still self-harming, and if you want want to be there for your kids, you have to take care of yourself first!

If not, maybe consider toning down the therapy another notch? Focus on more day to day things, goals like joining a group and volunteering, brainstorming healthy coping mechanisms? Your doc knows best, but it just seems this intensive therapy is exacerbating the pain so much...worried for you.

Try the chatroom again if you like. I too felt like outsider a first and some people do know each other already, but new people are joining all the time and need someone to talk to...what helped me get accustomed to the room and make some 'friends' is: greet everyone who comes in to the chat room, ask as many as you can about how they are, and provide the same kind of support you do here to anyone needing to talk. I think you will quickly find, like I did, a few you can connect with and go into private message with and talk to...sometimes we joke around in the chatroom and sometimes talk about everyday or ordinary things to distract from the pain, and sometimes it is heavy stuff or educational. Its a nice mix, and instant company. Forums are great for in depth post, but if you are ever feeling lonely or needing quick feedback, chatroom provides instant company.

Have you tried journaling Mich, or maybe an online blog here? I know writing helps me a bit to relieve the pain and release it...bleed in ink so to speak.

Hate to see you suffering so much and wish there was something i could do to help or some suggestion I could offer, but mainly i just want you to know i care alot about you, as do others here, and we are counting on you to take care of yourself and hoping for all of us to find some healing...

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[xn728]

just saying hi mich ,,did you like jimmy again last night ,,i did ,,mich i hope you feel a little better today ,i wish i could help you more my dear freind ,one day you will feel a little better im sure ,i can see your suffering ,and you dont deserve it ,the dark one makes you think this way
and one day ,you will be wise to his tricks and lies ,,,,,,
take care mich ,,in my thoughts lots of love and hugs ken xxx