Livid and Scared

[shatteredhopes]

I just got a call from community mental health saying they received a "call of concern about me" asking if I was suicidal or homicidal...I wanted to know who called, they insisted it was anonymous, but there's only one person who would know I suffer si from time to time and in whom I have confided when down to help me hang on and who has also made such calls about other people...my now ex-best friend.

I suffer trust issues, suffered so many betrayals, and PTSD in part from what I endured at the hands of my state's mental health system, which has hurt me far more than helped me. Now I'm afraid the police are gunna show up, throw me in handcuffs, put me under deputy supervision until they determine whether or not I am suicidal....and in my state they can lock you up on suspiscion, not actual threat of suicide.

He has been resentful lately, and we agreed to take some time apart although said we still loved each other...so I know it was him. If I need to go to the hospital the only option that feels safe is a private hospital a coupla hours away in another state, and it will be expensive so it is the absolute last resort...now I fear commitment into the state hopital system based on someone's word who was angry with me...I fear what will happen to me if that happens...I am scared, and so angry, and feel so betrayed once again.

I can't trust anyone. Better to keep people at an arms distance than risk reaching out for help and being slapped in the face...if he was honestly concerned for me, he could have called me and talked to me about it.

The saddest part is this, I decided in the new year to start doing somethings differently...I am hoping to be able to go to group therapy every other week starting in February or March, I just bought 7 books to keep me occupied and am excited about reading them, even though my reading is rather slow these days (that just means longer to savor them), to get back to writing and artwork...as Tacking in the Wind always suggests....little things to get me through and keep having something to look forward to even if small. And I hope to meet with the employment counselor who has been sending me job notices (I met her predecessor, haven't met her yet) and join the job hunters group. All these positive changes, and now if I am forcibly hospitalized (and kept indefinitely, as they can in this state) I fear I will never recover.

My only comfort is this website where I can be anonymous so I can talk freely. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel safe. I have been hurt far more than helped by the mental health profession, so I can only handle it on my terms and with doctors or therapists I feel I can somewhat trust, and someone calling the community "mental health police" on me infuriates me and breaks my heart at the same time.

[xn728]

shatteredhopes my dear sister ,dont worry ,,they wont do anything to hurt you ,im sure they will just ask you questions ,and once they see your not gonna hurt yourself ,it will be fine ,and as for trust you can trust us here your dear freinds ,you will only know me by my words ,and my,
freindly face you will never see ,im merely a name ,three small letters ,and a few kind words ,but trust me you can ,as i trust all my freinds in here ,reach out to us ,and you will feel only the touch of our
warm thoughts radiating through the darkness that trys to stifle you ,
dont let this person drag you down ,tell them you feel ok ,and you have many new freinds ,and why would you want to hurt yourself ,,,,,
im sorry your troubled ,,but i have some of it now ,and i will carry it so ,
the burden may feel a little lighter ,,,,,hugs ken ,,,,stay safe and strong

[Misty]

(((((Shattered)))))
Trust is sacred and earned. I can only imagine what you are feeling. I give people the benefit of the doubt at first but even that first chance can hurt if betrayed. Some have other motives for their actions too. At least here you know you are safe and this family will stand by you as long as you need. What state do you live in that does this? Just read your books and keep faith in "you" and you alone.

Take Care,
Misty

[Monty]

Shattered,

I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. Having to be looking over your shoulder all of the time is such a energy draining thing to have to experience. After living in a very small town for over 25 years (under 50) I know what it is like to be afraid that someone is going to "rat on you.

Reading has always been one of my favorite passtimes. For most of my life I have been an avid reader. Then came a period of my life where I was so medicated, I couldn't follow a book. I would read one page and then have to go back over the same page once I got to the bottom, becaues I couldn't remember what I had read at the top.

Glad that you are able to get back to that part of your life.For me it took reading newpaper articles or such. I think of it as being a great triump that I have now read several books, from cover to cover recently.

Remember that Misty said that we will always stand by you.

[shatteredhopes]

Well, I called my mom and she agreed he did it somewhat out of spite. He has gone recently 5 weeks without a bath or shower and over a week without brushing his teeth and I have been trying to urge him to take a bath with some candles and oil lamps (bathroom light fixture broken) and even if he misses spots better than no bath at all, and explaining he doesn't have to look in the mirror to brush his teeth to do a perfect job, if the alternative is not brushing at all, why not 20-30 seconds twice a day would be okay. He has artery problems and has to quit smoking and is having a rough rough time and admitted he is resentful that I can smoke and he can't. He knows i was traumatized by the state's mental health system yet still did this. I can never trust him again. The last person I trusted.

How can I ever learn to trust people again after so many hurts and betrayals? It's unreal what has happened in the last 5 years alone! Better to be alone and have no friends than someone who would hurt you like that. What is wrong with me that I have had such people in my life and have been duped by so many? One thing I have learned the hard way, be less forgiving and get out before hurt more...so I will no longer speak to him, he's out of my life forever as far as I'm concerned.

[xn728]

im sorry sister ,you held your hand out to this person ,and you have been
bitten ,you need your strentgh for your own fight ,its one thing to do something together and know you are a team ,but your just carrying this
so called freind ,and your not strong enough to do that ,put that weight
down ,if you carry them any further ,they will never walk for themshelves
and you will be worn out ,,,we need you here ,and we need to now your
safe ,and you can put your trust in any of us ,dont forget we live in the same world ,and your pain becomes my pain ,,and that is not up for any
sort of disscusion ,shut your eyes my freind ,and see the warm glow of the forum around you ,protecting you from harm ,,,you will never see my face ,or the warmth of my hand shake ,but you must feel the depth of my
freindship for you ,in these words i leave for ,,they are born of the pain we share ,and i know that pain ,,and these same words are set down carefully ,so that they may touch you ,,you are a person of words sister
you know ,i dont just throw them on here ,then turn off and forget you
be safe ,and strong ,goodnight sister ,,,,,,,,hugs ken

[xn728]

just saying hello sister ,hope your ok ,feeling better today i would dearly hope ,ive been very cold in the shop today ,,and have only just thawed out ,dont feel alone my freind ,,always here ,,,hugs kennxxx

[Mich]

Shatteredhopes - I am so sorry I wasn't here for you yesterday. You have suffered a terrible betrayal and I know how much this has hurt you. I wish I could sit down with you and somehow comfort you. Please know that your friends here care about you and would not betray you.

[xn728]

hey sister how you feeling ,dont forget were all thinking about you ,its easy to forgot your freinds and become alone ,when the blackness is all around you ,,but we can shine through this dark shroud as we are now with these kind words ,,stay safe my dear freind ,goodnight hugs ken xxx

[crystalgaze]

Hi there shopes.... I looked through this & there is something about your ex-best friend I hope you do see.... Besides him being resentful, it looks like he is really hurting some place.... (Maybe even depressed.... somewhat evident in the 5 weeks of poor hygiene upkeep)

This does NOT justify him betraying you. Trust me, I DO KNOW how that is.... He may be out of your life, but it looks like he might need you to lean on for a bit, just as you have leaned on him... (I take it???)

You can trust people, but it just takes lots of looking & testing... continuous testing, if you must....

If you continue on with him, you let him know that you really didn't appreciate what he did & that he better not do it again or he is REALLY out of your life for good, regardless of the circumstances. If you can record the conversation, do so (just in case he wrongly calls the mental police again).

What I've written above is just a thought, but you are the best judge of what to do with people in your life & your life overall.

Take care!

[Mich]

Shatteredhopes - how are you?

[crybaby1086]

Hi Shopes. I hope you are feeling better. Keep focusing on your New Years Resolutions and moving forward. I look forward to hearing about the new books you have bought. What ones did you buy?