New year

[jonathan]

So I spent the week with my grandparents. I love them so much, but it's so hard to be around them sometimes. They are religious, and I know that they would never accept who I am. A few times I had to get up and leave the room cause I just couldn't stand sitting there with them. And I've been sitting here in my room alone since I got home. It was an overall a good week, but I did not sleep well at all. They have this image of me being the perfect grandson, and it drives me crazy; I feel guilty and uncomfortable. For example, the conversation came to kids, and my grandma was talking and said the classic, "You'll know what I mean when you got kids of your own."

I hate who I am, I really do. I want to be the grandson, and son, who's got a great girlfriend, a bunch of friends, the life I'm supposed to have. But I don't have that, and it makes me so sad, mad, hurt, scared, worried, frustrated, confused, lost...I want to have a wife and kids and live that normal life, I really do. I don't feel like I am who I should be. I see the life that I'm supposed to have, but I can't get it. It feels like my life has gone horribly wrong and there's no way to fix it; it's like my life is a puzzle that was put together wrong. I get told to just be who you are, but who I am is who I don't want to be. And it hurts. I'm so lost right now, I just wish I could get some kind of direction. It's like everything's closing in on me and I can't breathe. I just want to lie here in bed forever.

[xn728]

hey jonathan i know it must be hard ,when people say these things ,
but lots of grandmas say that the world over ,you dont have to live your life being what everybody else wants you to be ,i think you need to get that puzzle out that is your life ,and rearrange some of those peices ,
it will take time ,but its not gonna happen if you dont make a start ,your
grandma would love you just as much as she does now ,no matter who you are ,and you say you do want to one day be all these things ,well you
can ,but you can also be them, and be yourself ,ive got a wife and kids ,i dont know how old you are ,but at 19 i thought my life was over ,but here at 51 ,i have a wonderful family ,i did not have a good start in life ,so if i can do it ,you,ll be just fine my dear freind ,all i can offer just now hugs ken
xxx

[jonathan]

Thanks Ken, you always know what to say. I am glad I have these forums to come to when I'm down and need a place to vent. I appreciate it. I'm doing better today.