Worsening Depression and Anxiety

[Mich]

This holiday season continues to take its toll on me. Depression is at its worst and anxiety is sky-high. I just want to crawl into a deep dark hole and stay there until its over. I don't want to be festive; I just want to disappear. I feel bad for saying this but I just hate this time of year so much. It carries painful memories and it is hard for me to manage my way through it.
I just realized something the other day while in my psych appointment. I am living my adult life as a child. Around my husband, I feel like a child. With my psychiatrist, I feel like a child. And certainly around my parents, I feel like a child. Any smallest slight makes me feel intense pain. I am not coping with every day things as an adult should.
I hope everyone is well.

[crybaby1086]

((((Mich)))) I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. I'm very sensitive too and if anyone says anything to me I take it to heart.

[xn728]

you become increasingly ,worse and it worrys me so much ,sometimes its
hard to find words without sounding like the same old record playing ,
my words to you are from my heart i cant just throw something down here and then turn off and forget you ,that not me or anyone here ,
i to am having a hard time with the holidays ,im busy at the shop and it stops me thinking bad things ,but when the holidays come ,the visitor will
be down upon me like an emisary from he.ll .and i will suffer like you and
i will be forced to wear that smile ive put on for so many years ,and i know that no matter how much we love our familys it is so painful to put
on that fasard ,as painful as the illness itself ,youve got to hang on mich
as close as the holiday is now ,it will pass as quickly as it got here and then it will be gone ,i need you to fight with me mich ,i need you as well ,i need to
know your out there battling with us all ,can you do that mich please
we all think the world of you mich ,what more can i say (((((mich )))))
stand with me mich side by side ,,,,,,,,,stay safe ,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

Dearest Mich, I think the reason you feel like a child still is because you had your childhood stolen from you through neglect from your parents and the abuse. I think you deserve to have your childhood again and to be able to play and explore and be loved unconditionally. I am very very young for my age too in a lot of ways, i think i'm stuck at about the age of 8 which is around the time when my depression first started creeping in. I think you have a right to feel and be childlike and i think you have the right to be sensitive. And it's not a bad thing to hate christmas, many people find it just emphasises how bad they feel and how cut off from everything. I wish you could have been here in Brighton with me yesterday and we could have played in the snow together, two damaged children learning how to have fun again

Love Lisa xx

[xn728]

hello mich how are you ,is today any better for you ,even a little would be
better than nothing ,been out shopping with fran this morning ,it was hard
but here i am back at home in one peice ,i just wondered if you had been to the chat room ,i have sat and looked in ,it seems upbeat at times and its like talking and getting a reply straght back ,i saw shatteredhopes on there and said hi ,she seems to be benifiting from the chat ,maybe if you feel up to it you may look one day ,just a thought mich not ,sticking my nose in to far i hope i didnt stay on there i cant seem to keep up ,my typing is so basic but i think i would enjoy it maybe i may have to practice typing faster ,,,,,i catch you later mich ,,bye for now ,,,,,ken

[xn728]

goodnight mich ,i missed you again today ,,be safe ,,,,ken

[blueisgreen]

Hi Mich,
Hope you are doing ok.
Keep hanging on.
I hope you can get some rest and feel good.

[xn728]

just saying hi mich ,hope your not doing to bad ,,,,,wishes ken

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I like Christmas in the abstract, in the religious sense, in the Dickensian " Peace and Goodwill to All Men " sense. But, like you, I can feel my anxiety and depression edging in in some ways, in the run-up to Christmas. I don't like the city centre and the 'buses being so crowded. And, I'm rather dreading the few days when everything shuts down over the Christmas weekend and I won't be in work, I won't be able to use the computers in the library, or go out for a cheese on toast, or go to a coffee shop or anything like that. I guess I'm a cliche, the Single Man Alone Over The Holidays! So, I can understand how you feel. but it's the 21st of December today, hold on to that, this time next week it will all be over, so let's all please hang on together, y'hear?!
I know what you mean when you say that you feel like a child. Someone at the six-week course that I attended about managing anxiety and depression said exactly the same thing, anxiety or a panic attack makes you feel like you're five years old. What I try to do is " ride-out " the first feelings of anxiety and panic and remind myself that just because I'm feeling it DOESN'T mean that it's true. I try to remind myself of my own resources and options, try to reframe the way I look at things, so that I can feel more in control.
Good Luck!

[Mich]

Thank you all so much for your caring comments. So much empathy and wisdom packed into every word. I am forever grateful.
It's now Monday and I am literally paralyzed. I should be out getting stocking stuffers for my kids but I cannot think of anything to get and so stay sequestered in at home. Such a little thing can bring me to my knees. I have to keep reminding myself that this will all be over in less than a week and hopefully then my anxiety will subside. I just worry so much that I haven't made the Christmas nice enough, that people will be disappointed with my efforts, that people won't like what I have chosen for them. This has so much power over me.
Depression continues to eat me up. My husband tried to get me to talk about how I was feeling but I just couldn't. What is the point? It only makes him miserable and it doesn't help me. My safe place to express all my morbid thoughts is at the psychiatrist's office. There, my darkness will shock no one. I can expose my demons without judgment.
I have tried the chat room a few times. I find it much harder to connect. I will likely try it again though....and I too have seen shatteredhopes on there. It was good to see a friendly name.

[xn728]

oh mich i feel so sad your being dragged down like this ,i wish i could come and help you ,try to get in the chat mich ,your husband seems to be trying mich ,just try and let him know a little ,im one to talk arent i
keeping my stuff from fran ,im thinking of you mich and i will come and chat to you breifly everyday even if you dont feel like answering so dont
feel pressured ,just to hear you today is a little gift ,,i will happily give you all my strentgh mich that you may carry on ,and you know im sincere
stay strong mich ,thinking of you ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,((((MICH)))),,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

goodnight mich sleep safe ,wake up stronger to continue in your quest
for a little relief ,goodnight and bless ,,,,,ken

[xn728]

hey mich good morning ,its that big pain in the ass ken again ,just saying hello mich ,how you doing ,dont feel alone mich were here when you feel ready see you later mich just my way of letting you know i care ,,,,ken

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Well, for whatever it may be worth, you, as well as all the other people on this site, have made my Christmas nicer!
I do wonder if perhaps you're in danger of falling into the common, and entirely understandable, mistaken belief that Christmas must be absolutely " perfect ". This is of course impossible, so people who feel they have to provide the " perfect " Christmas can't help but feel that they've failed. You're not going to have the " perfect " Christmas, that's impossible. So, perhaps it might be more helpful if you aimed for what you already seem on course to achieving, a Christmas that is " good enough ".
If you can get through the Christmas season without feeling any worse physically or mentally than you did at the start of the season, if you let the people that you love know that you love them, and if there are people that let you know that you are also loved, and if you can let yourself feel and believe ( AS YOU SHOULD! ), that you are worthy and derserving of being loved, then perhaps that might be seen as a Christmas that is quite " good enough? ( Ah, it's wonderful the wise family advice you can give people when you don't have any family yourself. I do hope this post doesn't sound utterly trite. )
As somebody said in the paper recently, your children will remember the good times and experiences they have with their parents, long after they've forgotten what the " must have " this or that of Christmas 2009 was.
Perhaps you'ld forgive me if I suggested that you might reconsider talking about your feelings with your husband? As a man myself, I find myself wondering whether your husband might feel shut out and excluded if you don't talk to him. I'd certainly rather my ( so far entirely hypothetical wife! ) talked to me about her feelings than not. You don't have to share all your " darkness " with your husband at once, or ever. But, if you did perhaps you might come to feel that there the " darkness " inside you isn't as irredeemable as it can feel?
Just some thoughts, hope you feel better today.

[shatteredhopes]

Hang in there Mich we are almost through it...I am sure the best gift you will give your kids and husband this xmas is to have you home, not in the hospital where they are worried about you and may if you were in some way feel responsible for your suffering. So as I said before and say again, if we can get through this thing without self harm or hospitalization, it will be a successful christmas.

Put the gift card you bought in the stocking, get some candy and fruit, and be done with it! My xmas shopping will be done at the grocery store and dollar general! I'm just buying candy and things that cost $1 for little gift bags...that's the plan. I just don't have money for anything else. I'm sure your kids will love what you have chosen for them, they are not like your insensitive materialistic parents, and they will especially love having you there.

Try to find a way to enjoy some time with the kids. Bake some cookies with them or watch a christmas movie together. Time with mom will be the best gift of all, that one day like taking in the wind truly said, they will remember long after they have forgotten the presents you got them.

Thinking of you and wishing you calm, peaceful feelings to take away all the stress...