Hope is Lost Today

[Mich]

All hope is gone today. Every night I pray for God to take me. The closer we get to the dreaded Christmas, the harder things get for me. Too many memories from the past that rule my present. I am just tired and weary from living with this illness. It is truly wearing me down and I don't know how much I have left. My absence would not leave a hole in this world. I've had so much help and still I don't get better. I can't even remember what better feels like. I just need relief from this pain.

[lisalou]

You would leave a great absence in my world Mich, and i suspect you mean a lot to more people than you realise. Someone once told me that every suicide affects a thousand people because of the knock-on effect of everyone who knows us and people THEY know, love, work with etc. As for xmas,just think.... IT'S ALL OVER IN TWELVE DAYS!!! christmas is not really all about commercialism and parties, just let the day be whatever you want it to be, try to get some time alone and try to be at peace with yourself and with the world. I truly believe that one day you will be out of this hell and all the love you have given out to us will come back to you ten times over

love lisa xxxxxx

[shatteredhopes]

Lisalou is right...big hole Mich....your kids would be traumatized if anything happened to you...we would be devestated...think of all those you could touch in the future by volunteering at the hospital or somewhere...if you go you take them and your help and comfort with you.

You are doing some really heavy lifting in therapy right now, sometimes things get worse before they get better, just like when you are sick and first start taking antibiotics and they fight your germs and cause all kinds of turmoil before healing...

HANG IN THERE

wishing you light and peace in your day...

[xn728]

it would leave a big hole mich ,dont think of these things ,you dont know
what would await you if you left your life ,it could be a worse place than your in now ,we all need you here ,your words are important to me and
everyone else ,i need your words as you need mine ,,,,,
stay here in the warmth ,christmas will soon be gone but we must stay
because we need each other ,,,,,,,(((((mich))))),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

mich i would like to say hi to shatteredhopes here im not good at finding
posts just now ,hope your ok s/hopes ,always with you ,,,,,ken

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Your absence would clearly and undoubtedly leave a hole in the world!
Just to begin with, how much help and support have you given people in your 416 posts to date? How much will you contribute to this site, to your family, and to the wider world in the future? All of which would be lost if you were no longer here.
Although, I don't underestimate how difficult it is for you to cope at the moment, I do insist that you do cope. That you do hang on. I wish I could say something comforting and inspirational. But, very often, coping from moment to moment is the best that I can manage myself, so it's all I can really think of to suggest to you, at the moment anyway. But I am still able to convince myself that it is worth it, I hope that you can at least get a glimpse of the same feeling. I hope that you can see that your continued coping is worth so much to so many people.
( Otherwise, I'm just going to have to resort to nagging! )
Do take care of yourself!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))

All that TackingIntoTheWind nicely stated, I totally agree with. Not a lot I could add other than you are part of my family now, You are worth it.

And besides, do you really want TackingIntoTheWind nagging you?

((((((((((( TackingIntoTheWind ))))))))))))))) thank you.

(((((((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))) much love sent your way.

Warmie

[Mich]

Thank you everyone. Just when I feel I am hitting rock bottom, you are all there to lift me up. I am so glad I have found you all.
I had a psychiatrist appt this morning. We stayed away from the topic of abuse and focussed on my attitudes about Christmas, about gift giving and how to look at it differently. He wants to try me on some old style tricyclics but believes I am too much of an overdose risk and so he won't do it. He has offered Remeron as an "add on" to my current regime but when I tried that one before I believe it caused weight gain and I just cannot have that. I am desperate for relief but my anorexic voice is louder and will not tolerate weight gain of any amount.
I am not well. I feel very sick in the head. I feel like a psychiatric patient. My thoughts are cloudy and tangled. One moment at a time I guess.....

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))))))

One moment at a time is the best way.....

Sounds like you have a doctor that truly cares and understands. Really a hard thing/person to find, in my opinion.

Please the forum has been there for you, what it is all about, support. Know it wasn't easy to start this post/thread, but you did it. The support is for you (((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))

Warmie

[xn728]

(((((mich ))))) be strong mich ,i know these words mean little when you feel so bad ,we all have hard times ,some more than others ,but we all
have a simaler life ,i hope the world will become a better place for you one day ,you will find the stamaner to carry on ,the words from you freinds will help to carry you forward mich ,,,,i wish you all the best ,
and a goodnight always my dear freind ,,,,,,ken ,,,,xn728

[TackingIntoTheWind]

First of all I would have to disagree with Ken's last lines in the post above. I don't think that it's unfair for him to share his pain with us. Afterall, if we all decided it was " unfair " to share our pain with anyone else, then this site would be somewhat futile, wouldn't it?!
One moment at a time is the way to do it, Mich. That's what I've been doing today, myself. I had some blood removed from me on Monday as a treatment for my Haemochromatosis, and as sometimes happens after a treatment, I've been feeling a bit tired and sluggish while my body replaces the lost blood. So, I've been finding it harder to keep my anxiety and depression in check today. But, I've just taken it one step at a time, and I'm not having a bad day. I hope your day isn't too bad either.
Also, when I talk about nagging that is NOT a figure of speech. I'm a minor bureaucrat with borderline OCD who votes for the Liberal Democrats and reads the Guardian newspaper, so I know how to nag!!!!
Eg: a friend of mine is a diabetic, who manages his illness by diet. However, he doesn't always eat as regularly as he should, so then I have to nag him....
( He knows he's in trouble when I give him a reproachful look over the top of my glasses, and start prefixing my sentences with: " Of course I'm not one to nag...!)
Seriously though, you take care of yourself, y'hear?

[Mich]

I went out this morning and bought 2 gifts. My head was spinning after that and I had to run back to the sanctuary of home. These are the gifts that my mother-in-law will give them (yes, I have to buy them!). I still have so much to do gift-wise and the thought of it makes me nauseous. I am going to hopefully attempt another outing tomorrow.
I get more depressed and more anxious as each day creeps us closer to Christmas. I know I have to stop thinking about the Christmases of my past and focus on today but I just have so many horrible feelings about this time of year that keep bubbling to the surface. I am unable to replace those with any good memories because Christmas does not create good memories for me. There is always something that is fuelling my illness. I cannot reminisce about earlier Christmases with my children, because there are no memories. It is all a blank.
I just don't know how to survive this. How to live with this pain. It is a pain that never ends and I wish to never wake up.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))))

Then continue doing it as you are, a few at a time, and in no time the shopping will be done. You are taking steps to correct this time of year for yourself. Perhaps pretend it is birthday celebrations? Gifts? Just a thought.

For memories, let this the be the year you make new and better memories to live on next year. Do it each year, drown out the past, with a better today. Yes, hard to do, but something that might help.

Know i am just suggesting, trying to be supportive, for I care.

Keeping you in thoughts and prayers

Warmie

[lisalou]

Mich, you should be really proud of yourself! Going out and shopping (especially in the moning!) must have been so hard when you're feeling this awful so well done you

p.s Remeron is notorious for causing weight gain in a lot of people so maybe avoid that one

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I think that you are handling things very effectively. I don't want to seem like a broken record, but you ARE handling things. Today is the 17th of December, more than halfway through the month. You have bought some presents, when you feel up to it you will buy more. Try to focus on what you have already achieved, rather than what you have still to do. I find that when I try to focus on " The Future ", I start to worry. So , perhaps you could try sneaking up on the future a little bit at a time. It works(ish) for me.
I think Warmsoul is right, ( When has she ever been wrong?! ) when she says that perhaps you could manufacture, in however small a way, some good memories about this Christmas. Eg: for me this is the first Christmas that I've been a part of the DU forums crew! And this Christmas, I'm looking forward to a two-part Doctor Who story that will be a landmark event, the change from one Doctor ( David Tennant ) To another ( Matt Smith. )
I do so hope hope that this doesn't sound like a cliche masterclass. I really do not underestimate how badly you feel right now. However, if I'm honest I have to finish by saying that however much you may sometimes wish not to wake up, there are a great many people who are glad that you do wake up every morning. And, we've got you outnumbered! So, do please keep coping. In a very short time you'll be disposed of Christmas cards and hoovering up pine needles and it will all be over.