Husband doesn't understand

[Calidiver]

I started having panic attacks a year ago and depression settled in shortly after. We have had a rocky year which has put a strain on our marriage. I finally accepted that I needed help a few months back and sought treatment. I currently take medication and have noticed a big improvement in my depression over the past few days.

My husband is my rock. He is very supportive in everything I do, but he hasn't gotten much in return this year. I feel bad that I am not there for him. I am not affectionate anymore and don't desire physical contact. I wrote him a letter last week and printed out information about MDD so he would have an idea of what I am dealing with. When we are "together" it is not because of me, it is for him. I want to be there for him and I want to have those feelings again but I haven't found has to access that part of me again.

The past few days have been an improvement. I reached over and rubbed his neck while we were watching tv last night, something I used to do every night. And we laughed and played in our bed this morning with our 3 year old for the first time in a long time. An hour later he confronted me about my lack of physical contact. I had already explained my feelings to him but he is frustrated that I don't feel the same way he does and thinks it is because there is something wrong with him. Now we aren't talking and I feel like I'm back at square one. How can I help him understand? It isn't him its me. Now I am feeling like I want to leave because I don't make him happy. I know its not the answer but I feel so much guilt over hurting his feelings I just think he would be better off without me.

Sorry this is so long- and I tried to keep it PG for the younger crowd

[Mich]

Hi Calidiver - lack of physical desire and intimacy is a very real symptom of depression. Also, the meds can play a number on your libido. I know it is very hard for the men not to take it personally....it was for my husband as well. I pointed out some reading material for him on depression and anxiety disorder so that he could learn more about the disease and come to understand that it wasn't that he was undesirable....it was just the disease taking hold of me. It sounds like you are making a good effort re rubbing his neck like you used to. Also, if your husband were to go to a group for spouses of depressed partners, he would soon learn about the impact on the physical relationship and come to understand it isn't him. I wish you all the best.

[xn728]

Hi Calidiver im a user here and suffer very severe depression ,my wife
suffers panic and anxiety disorder ,every trip out and every car jorney is
a nightmare ,just getting to the shops ,and having to turn straight back
round without getting shopping ,but you know all this already ,i can only say it took me a long time to be educated about this ,fran my wife would
get books from the library ,we would sit together on line and read about
other sufferers lives ,holding hands and becoming closer as we did so ,
what more can i say ,he frightened of whats happening as i was ,and needs to be helped to understand ,i do now ,and am thankful for it ,
i can only say we will support you here anyway we can ,we will reach out
and carry in times of need ,just call out from the darkness,and i will hear you ,you cannot be alone now ,we are all your freinds and we understand
reach out and we will catch your fall ,,,,,,,,,,xn728 ,,,,,,ken

[hollyann]

Hi Calidriver,

Panic/anxiety can be hard for the person experiencing it to understand, let alone those around us. I know first hand it can cause troubles in a relationship. So can depression. Its hard for others to understand. And hard for the ones that love us not to be able to help us when we are struggling. But you are making progress. Even if to others it may seem little, what you are doing is huge. And you are starting to gain control back. Meds help.
Sharing reading material, and info about what you are going through would definately be helpful. So that he can truly see that is not just him. And he can learn to be happy with the progress you are making, and know that you are doing what you can. We will always listen to you here.

hollyann

[Calidiver]

Thank you all for your support. I had a really bad attack last night- the worst one yet. The whole family was on the couch watching a movie and i could feel it coming on. My husband noticced my breathing started changing before I went upstairs. I forgot to grab my purse (I take Xanax to stop them) but couldn't get it because I have done a good job of hiding a lot of this from my children. This one lasted so long, he finally came to check on me, I struggled to tell him I needed my purse.

After I finally took the Xanax it eased up. I'm sitting on our bathroom floor sobbing and he asked me if I wanted him to leave. Not the room- our house! He said I am obviously not happy and he thinks he's part of the reason. I told him I have depression- that is why I'm not happy, not because of him. I said "didn't you read the things I gave you that explains what I am going through" he responded "yes, but all it had was symptoms and coping skills, it didn't say what was wrong with you." I responded that those symptoms were whats wrong with me, those symptoms are the way I feel and they don't go away. He wants me to get better, but faster than I am. Then he wanted to leave me alone in bed when all I wanted was to hold him. I think I really scared him with this attack.

The thing is, he had panic attacks during a stressful time in his life before we met. I would think he would understand more. But he's never had depression, and it think that's the part that scares him.

Thanks for listening

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((( Calidiver ))))))))))))))))))))))

I have found that those that do not deal with depression, well it makes it hard for them to understand. They don't realize it is almost like living on two different planets.

Keep trying, hang on to all you can, and take the love with you. It helps. We all send our best to you. Almost like a 'been there, done that' kind of thing.

Holding you in thoughts and prayers.

Warmie

[Calidiver]

Thank you all for your support. I had a few good days and could see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Then the light switch was turned off on me. I fell apart yesterday morning and was crying so loud my daughter heard me downstairs. I've managed to hide most of this from them and had a hard time explaining away my loud sobbing. Today is rough and I have to go see the pdoc. I was thinking how I was going to be able to give her such a good report until yesterday hit. At least i got a break from the panic attacks this past week.

I appreciate all those that read this, it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Nobody in my world understands what I'm going through and I have only told my husband. It's hard keeping it from everyone else, especially my mom who is my best friend. But everyone expects me to have it all together and I can't show them that I'm really falling apart.

[xn728]

im glad you had a few days rest while you didnt feel to bad ,that what our world is like unfortunatly ,im glad you found some comfort in our words
its eas yto say sometimes that you must be strong and dont let the way you feel overwhelm you ,but if you think about it no matter how hard it gets ,we always pull through ,i believe that depression as bad as it is.
give us gifts ,and allows us to use these gifts to guide us through hard times ,included in these gifts are compassion and kindness towards each
other ,the kind words i recieive from my freinds on here mean a lot to me
,as do the ones we send to you ,im glad you found your way here ,and
as you already have realised your not alone ,your part of this great family ,,i wish i could take your illness from you and carry that great wieght so you good rest a little longer ,,,stay safe and strong
my dear freind ,,,,xn728

[Mich]

My husband also struggles with the thoughts that he is somehow the cause of my depression. I have to keep reassuring him that he is not to blame. I am so sorry that you are struggling so much with your depression and anxiety. Those who do not suffer it, cannot understand the immense pain. I am glad you have found us here for we all understand the heavy toll that depression takes. How was your pdoc appt? Hopefully you came out of there feeling a bit better. Please keep fighting this disease. Please keep believing in a better future without depression.