Down low

[lisalou]

I feel so awful today,it's just never-ending, i am exhausted with this depression. i can barely string a sentence tohether. my body hurts in so many ways. work was such a struggle today. i have decided once and forall i'm never going back full-time,i don't even know how much lonhger i can keep thiis up,i just do it for the kids themselves,i get on far better with them than the other staff,hpw sad is that? I had another appointment up at the hospital with my support worker,she is very nice but somehow it just made me feel even worse,it just all feels so futile, i crried so hard when i got home. mark is home and yet somehow i feel even more alone. our relationship is deteriorating and we grow further apart and it's all because of me and my depressiom but i just feel powerless. i really really need to do my forms to apply for disability living allowance as it is the only state benefit i stand a hope in hell of getting and much as i am struggling for money i still cant do it,the words make my head swim. i see my entire life collapsing and it is entirely my own fault. worst of all i have heard there is a strong chsance my support group will only be funded for another 6 months and then will have to close. i cant bear the thought of losing that lifeline when it feels like i have so little else in terms of mentsal health support that is actually helping. i cant bear anything right now

[Mich]

Lisa I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I really hate this disease and what it is doing to you. The work is such a struggle for you right now. If you get the disability living allowance, will that provide an income that allows you to stop working for awhile? I know those forms can seem daunting (coincidentally, I just got one to fill out yesterday too). Can you ask Mark for help in doing that? I am sure he is dying to help you but just doesn't know how so if you gave him this concrete way to help you, he would probably be very pleased to do it. You will feel such a burden lifted once you get those forms done.
I often find that my husband needs a break from my illness and often we will be more distant for awhile. Mark is probably just worried about you and wondering constantly how he can help you. I know my husband feels powerless and so sometimes pulls a way for awhile to help himself cope. Is there any small thing you can do to try and connect with Mark right now? Have dinner together? Watch a favourite TV show together?
I am so glad you reached out and posted here. I hope today (Thursday) is easy on you and that you feel some relief. Always remember that you are cared for and not alone.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( Lisalou ))))))))))))))))))

Agree with all Mich has typed, don't know what to add, other than to let you know we are here and try so hard to help.

(((((((((((((((( Lisalou ))))))))))))))) an extra hug for you.

Warmie/Jeanie

[Monty]

Lisa,

I have been slipping deeper, and deeper into depression now. So often I have kept things to myself, no sharing with my partner. I don't do it all the time, but I have found myself trying to tell my partner a little more what is going on my life.

I didn't do that with my previous partner (whether it would have made a difference, I don't know) and things never seemed to click. We are still good friends, but not partners.I am fortunate enough to have someone else in my life, who also has trouble understanding the deep depression, but who I am at least trying to let some of the feelings out a little at a time.

Whether it is just because it is a different person, or in a different place but the bottom line is now that I share (even when I am angry which I never have been able to do) with a loving partner and it does help.

As for support groups I am 1000% behind them. Several years ago I was in a support group, which was of insurmountable help to all of the members. The support group was cut because of money issues. To this day I don't understand how the "powers that be" couldn't understand that this was also a major lifeline for us. In the end it wasn't a cost saving measure because many of us ended up in the psych wards at hospitals (costing the government so many more times the cost of a couple of facilitators for 2 hours a week) that I don't think would have happened if we had the ongoing support.

I also went through the process of applying for Canada Pension Plan Disability benefits. For many years I wouldn't do it. Now I am glad that I have because I have some money of my own which will continue (without review until I reach 65)for another 15 years. I find it odd that when I retire I will take a huge cut in income because I go on regular CPP.

Sorry that things are going poorly but I think that it is a wise move on your part to keep posting.

[lisalou]

Thank you very much for your warm and thoughtful replies mich, warmie and monty. feel too drained to write much today. I am going to try and work on my DLA forms a little later. there are several levels of DLA payments but generally it is just intended as a 'top up' rather than a main sorce of income. sorry to hear your support group got closed down monty. i agree that they are such a vital means of support. i'm very glad i have mine to go to tomorrow, i feel like i really need help. I will be devastated if it is indeed closed in 6 months. Mark is really quite poorly at the moment with a bad cold so i am returning the favour and looking after him which makes me feel better (and hopefully him too!)

[Monty]

If Mark is aware that you are on this forum.

Tell him that I hope he gets over it quickly and that he is fortunate to have someone in his life to make him chicken soup.

[xn728]

Dearest lisa ,please dont suffer so ,so many reach out to help you ,i if
anyone know how hard i is to fight depression ,but to fight for enough
money to live on as well .just makes it so much harder, maybe feeding
mark while hes ill will ,help him see how warming a touch it is to have
someone look after you when you need it ,although i know he treats you
we,ll anyway ,your having a real bad patch lisa ,and i know you will come
through it ,you have to im afraid theres no other way ,i know you wont
hurt yourself ,or anything while your like this ,your far to beutiful a person
to do that ,we all think dark things when were backed in that corner ,we
wish for it to end ,lord ive forgotten how many times ive prayed for that ,
as you well know ,but if it came id run like hell ,because when the cloud
clears and i get just rarely to see the sun ,and bathe in its warm glow
i have lots to fight for ,and if this is my life ,then i shall live it ,and when
i do find peace ,at least know one will say i gave up ,IM not gonna get into money lisa but fill those forms in and put everything down ,ive been waiting for a reply and today i was told i would get it ,so do it quickly,
fill the forms in and post them SOON ,

ive been in such a dark place lisa ,i crawled so deep inside myself i really
thought i would never see light again ,but here i am ,and your younger
and stronger ,than i so im sorry but you must go on dear lisa please go on,,,and stay safe better things wait for you lisa ,,,,,bless you (((lisa)))
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken ,,,,xn728
PS IM SO SORRY ,IVE MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH (((((((()))))))))

[lisalou]

dear ken, thank you so much for your kind words, it shows how kind and strong you are to reply to my posts when you've been suffering so deeply yourself