In Bad Shape

[shatteredhopes]

Never slept last night...too much pain emotional and physical. Chatted for awhile on line, and tried to sleep, just couldn't. My knees hurt so bad and I've been crying thinking about things. I just don't think the little things are enough to keep me going anymore. I already experience depression, then all the grief and trauma and losses and hurts of the last 5 years have just been too much for me to deal with. The break-up sent me over the top. At first, I was strong, but now I am falling apart. I just don't believe there's a God anymore who can or will help. I can't deal with life. The PTSD and depression are crippling in themselves, but add all the hurt of the last 5 years...mental illness has just stripped me of normal people's coping mechanisms. And when I don't sleep, I get worse. I'm gunna go to the store, then come back and take an ativan and try again to sleep. I just hurt so much and am at risk of heading into danger zone. The only 'good' thing is that the surely lethal suicide methods available to me now are too much effort, too painful, not quick...so I am safe for the moment. I just don't know how long I can hang on.

[crystalgaze]

I feel somewhat similarly. However (& this is a big however), we (myself included) must not give up hope.

About normal people's coping mechanisms.... I almost think there is no such thing. Coping is something, I think, we all have to work at & keep working at it. I don't know of any one to whom it comes easily. (Yeah, some people may just "shrug it off", but I am sure whatever it is bothers them at some point, even if it is for just a minute whether they show it or not.)

Let us both just do our best. No more hanging on, ok? You are in control of your life. A few relationships sent me over the edge, but I returned. Why? While I am there sitting stressing myself out over it, the other party involved is enjoying his life. What's to say that I am either not entitled to the same or that I can't have my little slice of happiness too?

[Mich]

You simply MUST stay safe. Hurting yourself is not an option. If you are in the danger zone, call 911 and get yourself to the hospital. PLEASE. I understand this severe pain, I really do, but we must hang on. Life can be worth living again.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I don't know about normal people's coping mechanisms. I can pretend to be a normal person, but I can't keep it up long!!!!
I can understand feeling suicidal, but please, please, please, if you feel in an ultimate crisis moment, call for help. Could you call 911? I really don't know how things are organised in the US. Is there an emergency crisis line you could call? Being a geek, I often think in terms of quotes from US tv shows. To borrow a phrase from Buffy ( The Vampire Slayer ): " Suicide is not a cry for help. A cry for help is when you shout " Help " in a really loud voice. "
Hold on, OK?

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((( shatteredhopes )))))))))))))))))))))))

I so hope you read and listen to what, (((((((((((((( crystalgaze, Mich and TackingIntoTheWind )))))))))))))) has typed to you. Words of wisdom and thoughts of concern and care.

We all care. Please take care of yourself. Let us know how you are.

We are here for you, as you for us.

Warmie

[shatteredhopes]

Thanks ((((ALL))))...I got about 3 and half hours of sleep and am doing a bit better.

Unfortunately, too much of my life has been out of my control for the last several years...things happening beyond my control...I think that is one of the problems...I no longer feel my efforts bear fruit and no matter what I do, sometimes I just can't stop bad things from happening in my life....its like I am drawing them in somehow and don't know what I'm doing wrong or why that bad stuff just keeps happening...and my emotions get out of my control sometimes...they overwhelm my best thoughts.

As I mentioned on another post, there is absolutely NO WAY I will ever call 911 again. All such calls are handled initially by law enforcement in my area with no training in sensitivity and caring for the mentally ill, and would be put in police custody for four hours before I could be admitted to the hopsital...compounding that, the extremely painful experience I had in local hospital exacerbated the PTSD, and made me worse, as did the somewhat futile human rights complaint process. The only way I can go to a hospital is out of state, a coupla hours away. I have to put in place an advance care directive to make sure what happened before doesn't happen again, and don't have much energy for that right now, but do have someone I could call potentially for a ride to that hospital. Plus, it is private, and would be extremely expensive, so it is the absolute LAST resort given my dire financial situation. In my limited experience with crisis lines, I fear if I tell them I am feeling suicidal its the same as calling 911, they will trace the call and send the police anyway. But maybe not mentioning my self-harm thoughts and just talking might be a good idea.

A little sleep seems to make all the difference. I get really sick when I can't sleep...but sometimes the pain is so great I just can't. My knees are still in pain but not as bad as last night when so severe I couldn't sleep and was in emotional crisis to boot...

THANKS for caring and responding all. Must get a copy of Buffy someday, that was fun movie. Really ((((ALL)))), doing better. Not great, but better.

[shatteredhopes]

I am getting worse as the holiday season progresses. I am missing my ex more and more. I cry a lot now. Something upset me in the chatroom and now I don't feel comfortable there anymore, which was kinda the only thing keeping me going. I wish I had money for gifts for mom and friend and a neighbor who has cut my grass for 3 years now without pay. I hate myself and my circumstances for not being able to do this. I feel so alone and lost.

Everytime in the last few years I have come even close to getting a job or somehow getting my life together, something has happened. This time was working with employment counselor to get back to work, only post-break-up I am far too depressed and upset to work right now, especially to go through any interviewing and exerting all the effort just to get a job. I can't handle it. Yet another setback, which always seems to be the way it works with me.

I washed my hair for the first time in I don't know when, because I was gunna go to a political meeting, but didn't go to the meeting. My mom and friend are so sweet and caring. My mom fed me dinner last night after I helped her bring her groceries in and gave me a little money to take my friend to get some frozen banana-mocha-expresso coffees and donuts. We went, and he gave me some little xmas presents, so appreciated. But then that happened in the chatroom later, and I had a rough rough night. I don't want to hurt my mom and friend by hurting myself, but I don't want to go on either. Hospital is absolute last resort, because I will run up a huge bill and make my financial situation worse, and have never really gotten anything out of hospitalizations other than keeping me alive...and that one time, was made far, far worse, exacerbating the PTSD, from which I still have not recovered.

I wish I had money to buy some christmas gifts for my mom and friend. I have some little notecards that say faith that I had gotten for my ex to write poetry on, since he is no longer in my life I will give them to my mom with maybe some candy and try to find something small to get for my friend and neices, even just some candy. I can't even afford that, but better than nothing. My taxes are due and I can't afford them even though I got a reduction based on income, so I am gunna have to make payments, which will make it even tighter over coming months.

Culturally, christmas is just so much about children. I long for my children to be alive and for the family I never had. I used to buy my pets toys and treats and enjoy giving them to them on christmas as my celebration. Now they are gone. I will be so glad when the holidays are over.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Sorry, you're feeling so low. Wish I had something original and wise to say that would help.
I'm impressed that you were thinking of going to a political meeting. Even if you didn't go, that says to me that even though you're feeling so bad, you're still thinking about the needs of others and the future of your country. Which I think speaks well of you.
Nice to see you posting again. Good luck and take care!

[Mich]

I can feel how much you are hurting right now. I am sorry that something happened in the chatroom and that you no longer feel safe there. I was looking for you there today a few times. I can really understand how this is such a tough time of year for you. Somehow we have to find a way to get through it without hurting ourselves. Please keep thinking of those that love you and want you in their life. And don't forget all of us here that count you as a treasured friend. I want and need you to stay safe. It angers me that you cannot go to the hospital withougt racking up a huge debt. That just is not right. But you must go if you are on the verge of hurting yourself...you must go.

On a lighter note, it makes me happy that you went out with a friend for frozen coffees and that he gave you a gift. That must have warmed your heart. Hold that close to you.

I will be thinking about you today and wishing that your burden lightens.

[lisalou]

i'm really sorry you are finding the holiday season so hard my friend. I wish you lived vaguely near me so you could come and spend the day with me and mark! I don't know how severe your financial situation is but do you think you could stretch to buying some basic ingredients for making cakes or cookies for your mum and friend? i'm sure they would appreciate the effort (and yumminess!) of a home-made gift and hopefully it might be a nice activity for yourself to distract you if only for a brief while. and make sure you save one or two for yourself!

and well done for washing your hair! I truely appreciate what an effort this can be,it's been at least a month in my case. I hope it made you feel a tiny bit better and that the nice fresh feeling and smell is uplifting

[xn728]

sorry ive not spoken to you in a while ,i can see here you have not been good ,just because im not speaking does not mean i dont think of you ,i walk with you all the time ,in everything i do even at work i carry you all in my thoughts ,s/hopes i hope your feeling better ,i will post more now
i feel much better ,and if i can punch through the darkness and touch you
then i have all i need ,,,,,best wishes ,,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((( shatteredhopes )))))))))))))))))))))))

Just to let you know, still thinking of you. In some small way I hope the concern, care and love given to you here will help you get through this.

Warmie

[xn728]

it was good to see you in the chat ,today i just popped in for a look ,i would like to go in there but i just cant type fast enough ,you seemed
to be doing great ,i think its just what you needed a little more chat in
your life ,well done sister ,it made me so happy ,my poor little fingers were going like crazy ,and by the time i finished a short sentence ,the
message had scrolled of the page ,LOL . stay safe sister ,,,,ken

[xn728]

hi shatteredhopes tryed the chatroom again tonight ,but its no use i just
have not got the cordination ,i like looking at the chat though and people
do say hi ,i think the forum is better for me ,i like leaving messages
and i dont have to worry how long it takes me ,it must be helpful to chat
to each other like that ,and i bet it helps when you need to talk and get
a reply straight away ,i probably would get stuck for words anyway
,anyway keep on doing ok my dear freind ,thinking of you ,,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

hey ken, when you get to know people there is way to have a private chat just one on one so you don't have hard time following and chatting...check in now and then and if i'm on and you come on again, maybe we can have chat? good to see you on there. missed you recently my brother.