Dreading Christmas

[Mich]

I am starting my emotional meltdown which leads up to Christmas. Last year I spent Christmas and New Year's in the psych ward of our hospital. I need to find some good coping skills so I don't end up there again.
I know I am going to sound horrible but I really hate Christmas. I have no fond memories of it at all. Only sad memories where I would try so very hard to get nice gifts for my parents only to be told that they weren't very nice gifts at all. That has carried with me to my adult life and buying presents for people terrifies me. I try to avoid it at all costs and in fact my husband and I very rarely buy gifts for each other because it stresses me out too much. Now that my kids are older I sense that they are getting pickier and I am afraid that my gifts for them won't measure up either. I know that Christmas is not supposed to be about the gifts...and I truly wish there were no gifts involved at all. The other part of Christmas that I hate is that it is a forced get together with my parents. I have no relationship with them at all but for some reason I feel obligated to get together with them on certain days of the year. I am dealing with a lot of disturbing issues from my past in therapy right now and my psychiatrist believes that a visit with my parents right now would be very detrimental to my health. The problem is, our Christmas visit is scheduled for Dec 6th since they leave for Florida the following week. That does not give me too many days to get out of this. I just need to tell them that I am too ill for visits right now and be done with it. I really don't know why this is so hard for me to do.
This next month will be extremely difficult for me to cope with both from an anxiety and depression point of view. I could go crazy with self harm if I am not careful.

[xn728]

hey mich ,listen last xmas was the first xmas i had in a lot of years when i was ok ,im not looking forward to it either but ,its coming ,and ive just had this bad episode ,and i think another so soon ,would be to much
im gonna get through it and be happy ,it wont be easy ,but i cant afford to
go on another downer ,lets do it together ,miles apart ,but minds together
do it for the kids ,i never had xmas when i was small ,so theres no perfect memories for me either ,xmas these days around my area is
all about drinking ,then fighting ,in the street ,weve just got to do the best we can mich ,,no hospitals hey ,lets make no bones it will be hard ,
but i know you have the metal and i have my sword ,so go for it mich
dont let xmas run the show ,let do xmas cmon ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

Mich, I find it really sad that your parents rejected your carefully chosen gifts, i'm sure your children will be much more appreciative as i'm sure you've brought them up to be kind and considerate like yourself. I am dreading xmas too. I am inevitably depressed this time of year. My birthday is the 2nd of march and i am usually still too depressed for that too. I wish we could pick and choose when to have our celebrations! I wish I could believe that i will ever feel like celebrating anything ever again. Wishing you strength for the 6th if you do go through with your parents visit but i really don't blame you if you cancel it

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Mich....

I know this will sound.... cheesy maybe, but hhmm.... please don't dread Christmas!

Perhaps you can play an oblivious game?

As for gifts, get gift cards & call it a day. There are credit card logo-ed cards available, so maybe that can work.

I don't know how possible (or healthy or appropriate) the oblivious game is... but it's been how I've been doing things lately... I haven't wanted to do things this way, but that's how it's been going....

I play the oblivious game for temporary peace... & whatever it is that bothers me I say.... "SO WHAT?" Here are some more examples....

Christmas lights? "Good for you all...."
" music? "Later for that"
Bad Xmas memories? "Not now!" "Don't bother me" "To hell with that"

The only thing about the game is to make sure NOT to stay oblivious all the time (forever).

[shatteredhopes]

Oh, I dread Christmas too. It think its hard on a lot of us. You are a nice person who is still trying to please her parents, so you are having a hard time saying no. Saying no is one of the hardest things to learn how to do, but if you can do this, you will have one less thing to worry about. You have your doc's support...treat it as doctor's orders! I think gift cards are a great idea...or just ask the kids to make a wish list, with specifics, then you can't go wrong.

Last year, I carefully pinched pennies and put a lot of thought into what to get my boyfriend. I made sacrifices so I could get him special things, and made him some things. I shipped a box to his place in advance and traveled light so I could carry more gifts to him. I gave them to him and he turned to me, "I didn't get you anything." I was so hurt. Not even a cheap pair of earrings or a card. I think for most people, unlike your parents, just caring enough to think of them and put effort into getting something to show you care is what matters. I know kids are different, but if you let them make wish lists, and choose from that...shoot they are old enough to have specific wants and not expect magic of Santa. When I was little we used to just circle things in a catalog...I bet they have some things in mind if you ask. Plus, they are at an age where they would probably really appreciate cash in their stocking to buy whatever they want in after Christmas sales.

We will be here with you. I will need your support to help me get through, and I will be here to support you in any way I can to help you get through. I think telling your parents your doctor thinks it would be best if you held off on the get together, putting it on your doctors shoulders, would make it easier...it is shameful that they didn't appreciate your gifts after you cared enough to get them. Give yourself a christmas present and cancel the get together with your parents. Then celebrate your courage by getting a cup of your favorite coffee at the drive through. I think it is enough of a goal to stay out of the hospital. I've been in a hospital over Christmas, and it bites. Your kids would love to have you home. Just preparing a meal for the family and getting them something they really want, that they tell you they really want, would make it go smoother, I bet.

My thoughts are with you my sister, my friend...I generally get suicidal over Christmas, so I'm with you...the more commercials and decorations I see the more I start to freak...but let's just take it a day at a time. Our goals we can support each other in are: to avoid self harm and stay out of the hospital. If we can do that, than it will be a "good" Christmas.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I think you should follow your psychiatrist's advice. If he thinks visiting your parents would harm you, then that's doctor's orders isn't it? You staying out of hospital and not harming yourself is the most important thing, more important than what your parents think. I know this won't come easily to you, ( It doesn't to me. ) but you need to look after yourself. Will it harm your parents if you don't go? From what you've said, it won't. Will it harm you if you do go, from what you've said, it will. So, don't go, and don't feel guilty about not going. I hope this doesn't sound ruthless, but Shattered Hopes is right, you should be thinking about staying out of hospital, and not harming yourself.
I seem to remember a song called " Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover ", it ended, " But get yourself free. " Look after yourself! If you feel that visiting your parents will so harm your health, make an excuse and don't go. In the words of the song, get yourself free. Good luck and take care!

[xn728]

thinking of you mich ,hope you see some light soon always walking with you ,,,,,ken

[Mich]

Thank you everyone. *hugs* to all. This place is truly a life line for me.
Everything just seems so hopelessly hopeless today. I had my psychiatrist appt and it didn't go well. I sort of aimlessly drifted from one topic to another without resolving anything or getting things adequately off my chest.
This pain is immense. You all know what I am talking about. The crushing heaviness and ache in the chest, the intolerable sadness, the thoughts that nothing can ever be right. I have too much despair and I don't see it ending. The world for me is blackness and suffering. There is no joy. There is no light. There is immense sadness and a longing to be free of it all. There must be something better on the other side. I just cannot believe that this suffering continues after death. I pray each night for God to take me. I have nothing left to give on this earth.
There is nothing left of me as a person. Yes, I have the skin and bones but my soul is only full of pain. I have nothing to give anyone.

[blueisgreen]

((((((((((Mich))))))))))))))
This is the worst time of year, for so many people.
Please Mich you must keep fighting the fight.
I will be here on Christmas eve and Christmas day, and
I'm sure many others will be here too - for you and for each other.
It is vital to listen to your doctor and NOT see your parents!
Perhaps your husband can go with the kids and you can stay home
and be ok with that. It is ok to be unwell and be unable to see them.
If you had a fever or a migraine or the flu I'm sure you would cancel for that and this is not any different.
Please try to remember how much you mean to all of us here.
You have plenty to give just being present.
Don't worry about gifts for your kids. How old are they?
Itunes gift sertificates or book store certificates are great and can be printed out on line I think. Maybe your husband can handle the gifts for you this year.
But gifts are the least of your worries.
Please stay strong and I will be strong with you.
Hang on.
Wishing you peace.

[xn728]

dont talk of giving up mich ,ive been though the hardest time ,and your words were there for me to see ,and soak up ,into my eyes first ,then i thought about them as they ran around the corridors of my mind ,then i could feel the peice and warmth as they soaked in to my blood stream
and circulated around my broken body ,and then here i am now ,feeling much better ,even climbing trees today and worrying fran ,as i put up
our lights ,and what do i do now now ,do i read your words and think
oh im tired ,she,ll be ok ,no i try hard to project myself into your thoughts and tell you that i know it will pass for you,
God himself cant take you mich ,because your freinds here would protect you ,even from him ,your here for a reason mich as all of us special
people are .so just lets stay around ,our loved ones need us ,rest mich
and think ,no matter how bad you feel ,you can talk to us ,even in your mind ,i do it all the time ,if im working ,or feeling bad ,i chat to you all ,and tell you how i feel ,and ask how you are ,and guess what mich
i dont believe in god as most people may ,but i always pray for you all ,
bless you mich ,,,,,ken

[crybaby1086]

((((Mish)))) You have plenty more to give. You are a wonderful caring woman who is just feeling low at the moment. Tell your parents you are sick and can not have the super. As for gifts you can always get things online and have them delivered. Or make a list and get your husband to buy them. I know xmas can be hard for people. But hopefully when xmas morning rolls around and the kids are happy and all is quiet you will find some peace.

[dandelion]

((((((((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))))))))))

I found a quote for you:

Dale Evans:
Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas.

You are a lovely and caring person Mich and you help people as well. Thats something, you contribute a lot and maybe you dont realised how much impact that you give to people in this forum, how much you had make them feel better, including me. We need you here! There is still light, its never fade, its still there, just waiting for you to discover it, we will help you to find it and i am sure that one day you will. I really hope that you will feel better soon, and im sending you love and care all the way from Malaysia and wrap you with it, feel better soon friend

love
dandelion

[lisalou]

I hope you survive xmas intact, mich my sister. I know how awful it is to try and pretend to be festive when all the songs and decorations and things just make you want to cry. I wish i could make your life better. It must be getting pretty chilly over in Canada but maybe still try to go out each day even if just only a tiny bit to distract yourself. Have you thought any more about volunteering work? How are your Spanish lessons going?

Lisa x

[Mich]

Everyone is so wonderful here. I can't believe I have found such a group of genuine, caring people who truly want to help. I am so thankful for you all. You all help to carry me through the day.

[Mich]

My despair is growing today. I am paralyzed with fear at the prospect of calling my parents and telling them I cannot get together on the 6th. I am simply not well enough. I am 40-something and my parents are close to 80 and yet I am afraid of them. It is like I am reduced to a 10 year old child whenever I have to deal with them on anything. I despise it. I want to be stronger but it is impossible.
The depression is swallowing me whole. It is hard to move, it is hard to breathe....everything brings deep deep pain. My family is not aware of my tortuous existence nor do they care. As long as I function adequately for them, they are completed unconcered as to my mental state. I hide away both my physical and mental scars. I am angered at their lack of caring. I show an interest in everyone's day, what's going on in their lives and yet they avoid mine like the plague. I really don't matter and it's getting harder and harder to see the point in going on. Living this way for another 40 years is not an option.