Crashing Hard

[shatteredhopes]

Day started out okay, but progressively getting worse...bad memories flooding me at every turn and just can't seem to stop them...try watching t.v. and something reminds me...I don't know how I will get through tomorrow. I am already battling self-harm thoughts. I just don't know how I'm gunna get through the day. Can't even take my usual hot baths for relief because I fear I will try to drown myself. Trying to pump myself up enough to go to grocer and get some junk food to comfort me, but don't know if I can manage it. I just want the pain to stop. I can't take it. Its just too much.

[crybaby1086]

Do you like pizza? Maybe you can order some and have it delivered. That way you wouldn't have to go out. But then again maybe the walk and a trip outside will do you some good. I wish I could do something more for you. You are in my thoughts. Hang in there.

[forgotten soul]

I feel the same way often...and honestly...the bath will do you good, there's something about cleansing away the depression that can prove very soothing...then get yourself wrapped up in a warm blanket and watch a happy movie you love...it may not cheer you up completely but it should help a little. The ordering pizza idea is a good one too if you've exnayed going to the store...but if you do go to the store along with the much needed junkfood, try a fruit drink with some good vitamins in them...there's one that tastes like a pinacoloda that /i have all the time and it really helps to cheer me up, i close my eyes and imagine im on a beach somewhere in paradise.

[Mich]

We are here to help you get through the day. Please don't put yourself in harm's way. We all care about you and want to help you through this very hard time. I like the idea of snuggling up to watch a happy movie. Is that something you could do? Please post as much as you need to today. We are here.

[xn728]

shatteredhopes no talk of harming yourself ,everyone is all around ,always looking in on you ,we breath the same air no matter were we are in this world ,and i even though you cannot see me ,will stand at your side ,and nothing will harm you let alone yourself ,if it wants you it will have to take me first ,
you will pass through this dark time ,and when your stood on the good side of it ,you will see my shadow walk away ,as i know you are safe
bless you my dear freind ,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

Last night was so rough. I cried and cried but finally got some sleep. I couldn't take a bath, because I knew I would drown myself. But this morning I am a tiny bit better.

I love pizza, unfortunately, ordering it is more than I can afford. I really couldn't afford the junk food either, as all the money I have right now I am saving for taxes due next month, so it was just as well I couldn't go out.

But, today I will take some of your suggestions and maybe just watch an old movie. Sometimes the all the losses I have experienced and the problems associated with my circumstances just become overwhelming. It helps a little just to write them out...and that you all cared enough to respond and listen and offer suggestions.

I just wish I could sleep more. That is my only escape. Sometimes I have disturbing dreams, but not always...I seem to be dreaming a lot more since starting the wellbutrin, or maybe it just seems that way...

I just want the pain to stop. Its too much sometimes, far more than I can handle, and there's no way to fix it. Most of the problems in my life are out of my control. I no longer believe God intervenes much in human affairs, but still pray...maybe its like writing things out...just to feel something out there is listening and cares...

Thanks (((((((((((ALL))))))))))))))) for your kind supportive caring responses.

[Mich]

I understand that feeling of things becoming overwhelming. I am glad you get some comfort in writing things out. I do too. It's good that you feel well enough to do a movie....just make sure it is not a sad one. Sleeping a little extra is okay but it would be good if you could get through the day without sleeping all day. I understand the desire to do this though. How is the weather there? Can you get out for a short walk in the fresh air? Please promise me that if you are going to hurt yourself, you will immediately go/call for help. How about reading? Are you up to reading? I know this can be nearly impossible with depression due to the concentration required but some people can manage it. You are such a good writer that I bet you used to be an avid reader. I will check here very frequently today. Please keep writing and let us know how you are doing.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm sorry that you're feeling as you are. I know that feeling, feeling as if you're going to be overwhelmed at any moment. I feel the same today. as if I'm just trying to balance my anxiety and depression, so as to stay on an emotional even keel. Try to take it moment by moment, that's what I'm trying to do. I also find that it helps to be out in the fresh air, being around other people in a non-threatening environment. At this moment I'm in the library, breathing slowly and deeply! ( If it keeps raining so hard I'm thinking of moving to the top floor !!!! ) For some reason I always feel better being with people in an environment like this, a library, or cafe, or coffee shop. Is there a particularly nice coffee shop/diner/cafe anywhere near you? There's a really nice cafe a few streets away from me. It always feels peaceful and quiet, they do a beautiful cheese-on-toast, and the people who run it are really nice. Also, because I'm in there fairly often, and always order the same thing, I know them well enough to for us to pass the time of day and have a bit of banter while I'm ordering. Going there and collecting myself over a nice meal and a drink, while watching the world go by always makes me feel better. Good Luck!

[shatteredhopes]

My mom called around 7:00 in the evening and said wasn't much left but some cake, but I could have some. Felt hurt that she didn't set aside a plate for me, but just as well, given I'm sick to my stomach from being so emotionally upset all day. Told her maybe I'd come by tomorrow.

I can't figure out what I did wrong that made my ex stop loving me, or why I didn't see the signs before. I wish I had gotten out early on in the relationship at the first sign of serious problems, rather than getting in so deep. Walking away early would have been much easier. I miss my animals and my dad. I miss the job I used to have I loved. I miss having a lot of close friends. I miss my belief in justice and a God that would help people. I wish my children were alive. I wish I had money to have gone to one of the few places that was open for a meal, as I haven't felt up to fixing anything. Bad memories just keep seeping up like sewage, and as much as try to suppress them, they just overflow every so often and are overwhelming.

I don't know why God isn't merciful enough to have ended my life already. I wish I was never born. I have begged and pleaded for God to end my life, but God must be deaf or without compassion for human suffering.

At least I was able to take a hot bath without drowning myself, which helped my physical pain a bit and was comforting. That is as close as I come to an embrace.

I wish I could no longer feel. I used to be a loving forgiving person. Now I know hate, and I don't like myself when I feel that way. It seems I've know far, far more sorrow than joy in my life, and I would give up the moments of joy to rid myself of all the pain. I would rather feel nothing than so much sadness, grief, tragedy, and trauma. My life has been on a severe downward spiral for five years now. I fear what bad thing will happen next.

I just don't want to suffer anymore.

[dandelion]

Don't Give It Up
Poet: Z. Vujcic, © 2007

Today life gave you another slap
but don't give it up
throwing your towel in the ring
for things gone wrong, for words that sting
'cos there must be another way
you will see it in the light of another day
When everything seems sour, not in your favour
look around until you find better flavour
so, don't just give but live it up
pick up the pieces, be tough
grind your teeth and turn another cheek
don't give it up, that's exactly what they seek
It's too easy to walk away
quitter never wins so you should better stay
look challenges straight in the eye
don't say yet the last good-bye
fight like an animal in a trap
but don't give it up

And you being here, supporting the users here with your wisdom words shows that you are still a loving and caring person. I hope you feel better soon.

((((((((((((((( shattereshope )))))))))))))))))

dandelion

[DeepEyes]

dear shatteredhopes, i have been where you are now countless times, it is hell i know but if life has taught me anything it is that when you least expect it when your at your lowest ebb the most unexpected and beautiful things can happen, no one knows what tomorrow will bring, but no one is a lost cause, No One. no matter how hopeless it seems there is always hope and there will always be someone there for you, well im here anyway, but you will be happy again, i know how depression can rob you of the most beautiful thing there is in life, love, but if someone can bring you out of it then that love and happiness will be so brilliant that no shadow can touch you, i feel your pain and you are in my thoughts, you will know happiness again xxx.

[lisalou]

shatteredhopes, i'm sorry you have been feeling so bad my friend. do you think you would be able to go out and afford to get some fruit or herbal tea and some biscuits (cookies)? that's one of my comfort remedies. it's a nice childlike pleasure dunking your biscuits in the tea and the heat of the tea would be nice and warming as you don't feel safe having a bath. on that subject, i find that wiping my face, neck and armpits with some baby wipes makes me feel clean and nicely scented when i just can't face a proper wash. hope my advice doesn't sound patronising, i know your pain is far greater than something that can be solved with tea and baby wipes but i know that little things can help.

Lisa xxx

p.s my cat Smudge has just jumped up on my lap and keeps rubbing his face on the keyboard,i think he wants to say hello! (have had to delete many cat-induced mistakes!)

[lisalou]

sorry shatteredhopes, for some reason your most recent post wasn't displayed on my computer until now. i'm glad you have been able to have a bath and get some kind of comfort from it. I cannot think why your ex fell out of love with you other than that he is a fool and perhaps to be with him was not your destiny, perhaps he would have just continued to hurt you even more. I think you have a truer soulmate out there somewhere. Ironically i met mark because of my depression,a woman at my mental health group mentioned these drop-in acting classes she was doing at the local theatre. people kept suggesting i should take up a new hobby and months later i finally forced myself (and i really had to force myself) to go along to the theatre. doing the classes led to me having the confidence to actually be in a show (i find that very hard to believe now but i guess it should remind me that i have had ok times too) And in that show with me was Mark, now my fiance. I really really believe that somehow love will find its way to you too and i want you to believe that too. I wish only good things for you and i can sense the extremities of your despair,i have also wailed to God to destroy me and let me die in peace but i think that me and you have been created and continue to live for a reason and i hope you can survive your pain and find out what that beautiful reason might be.

Lisa xx

p.s reading your recent post makes me hope i wasn't being insensitive talking about my cat when you are missing your pets so much

[Mich]

You are a wonderful person with many gifts and I believe that one day again you will be well enough to explore those gifts. I know it is very hard to believe when we feel we are spiralling down but you must hang on to the belief that life can be good again. You have had many tragic things happen in your life and for that I am truly sorry. My hope for you is that life will once again show its beauty to you. For now, I am hanging on to the belief that this will happen for me. Please hang on with me.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm always slightly unsure about posting on this forum, I'm always concerned that what I say may sound trite, superficial, or facile. But, here goes....
I'm glad that you were born, and continue to be alive. I have a great belief in the concept and importance of human rights. The whole basis of the idea of human rights is that EVERY human being is a person of dignity and worth. Therefore, it follows that EVERY human being is precious, EVERY human being is unique and irreplaceable. Your death would, quite literally, ( And, I mean this in all seriousness and truth ) be an incalculable loss to us all. If you had never been born, everything that you have ever been or ever will be, everthing that you have ever done or will do for others would be lost. Please believe that there can be better days. I was in a situation where I felt such depression and anxiety, that I the first thing I asked a psychiatrist was whether it was even possible to feel better than I was then. And, while I still have bad days, I now have good days as well.
Also, in the spirit of " full disclosure ", I admit that I have a purely selfish motive in wanting you to stick around! I've found this site very helpful in my own ongoing recovery. But, this site is a composite endeavour. This site as it has been, and as it has helped me, would not, and logically could not, have existed without your contributions. How many threads have you woven into the " fabric " of this site? If you had never existed, all those threads would have been ripped out of this site. How much comfort and reassurance that you've given to others, would never have been given?
Please hang on, and help us all to hang on. Good Luck!