Alive but not kicking

[lisalou]

Hi everyone, sorry i have been away so long, i have just been too drained and low to even be bothered to go on the computer or feel like writing anything and too anxious to settle down and be able to focus on reading what people are writing. I have been thinking about you all and hope you are all still hanging on in there. welcome to new people who have joined since i was last here - Andrea, TackingIntoTheWind, Nightsky, Beth, Purdue girl, sorry if i've forgotten anyone. i am still going to my mental health support group on fridays, that and mark are the main things keeping me going. I am still struggling on with work and no-one seems to notice that i am completely insane and broken, they are the longest 12 hours of my week but also makes me feel that i am still achieving something, those children make me feel so loved, I am their auntie lisa. I am so exhausted despite eating and sleeping loads. i am sleeping till a quite luxurious hour in the mornings now but still have that terror of going to sleep because i am dreading facing another day. i spend a lot of time hiding under my furry blanket on the sofa feeling the weight of pure despair. It's christmas in exactly a month and that just seems unbearable. don't really know what else to say other than that it's nice to be back with you my friends

[xn728]

ahhhh lisa just good to hear your ok ,just what i needed ,you take your time girl .i hated work this week ,the charity shops just a great big xmas grotto now ,all i need is xmas shoving in every earhole ,,it really is great to see you post ,not a lot to say just now lisa (((((lisa)))))stay safe ,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

Glad you are back ((((((((((((((Lisalou))))))))))))))) was thinking of you and worried about you. You were missed.

[crybaby1086]

((((Lisa)))) Great to see you again. I've been thinking about you these past few days and wondering how you were doing. I'm glad you are still hanging in there.

[Mich]

I have been thinking about you daily...wondering how you were doing....worried. I am so glad that you have posted. Maybe we can all get through Christmas together. *hugs*

[lisalou]

such a hard day...i have struggled so much at work, got put to work with the pre-school kids and juggling the needs and noise of 16 3-4 yr olds nearly made me go cross-eyed, then i could not face going home for ages because i knew our friend and our goddaughter were coming over,much as i love them i cannot endure more people, came home and saw them for a little while...smiled, played hostess, played nicely, wore the mask then after they left i went into complete meltdown again, crying and shaking so hard i couldn't breathe, feeling my soul cracking in half, myself fragmenting and disappearing,unable to bear this pain and misery. Mark found me, i had wanted to hide my tears, he is cracking too from the pressure of my depression and our fears over his redundancy. I had a letter from the mental health team, i see them next thursday - mark's birthday, so no doubt i will ruin his birthday as i am ruining everything else in his life with my pain and my problems, this appointment will not exactly be a walk in the park but i'm so glad my doctor has been able to bring it forward, i knew i could not live like this till january

[Mich]

Such good news about meeting with the mental health team. Please don't beat yourself up and feel guilty about Mark. He is a strong man who loves you and wants to help you through this illness. He probably wishes he could help you more.
I am so sorry you are suffering so much right now. Please hang on. You are about to get some more help and better days are coming.

[lisalou]

I really hope you're right mich. unfortunately my support group will not be on next friday, the day after my assessment, i will be really needing it then. mark suggested maybe we go out for his birthday meal on friday instead,he is really considerate but i just know i will be a wreck on his actual birthday and it is not fair on him. The other day he really snapped and was angry with me because he's been doing so much of the housework and cooking and shopping while i lay festering on the sofa. he apologised profusely the next day but it made me realise i have been taking him for granted and i have been trying to do more washing up and things no matter how depressed i feel. on wednesday i hoovered for the first time in months. it is a very overrated pasttime....! tomorrow we are going to a friend's birthday party,it seems so unbearably impossible but it is his 30th and he is a dear friend. i really hope i can give mark a good birthday too. i am in a lot of pain today...toothache, stomache and as always emotional ache,i'm glad that darkness is starting to fall and i can cocoon myself for the evening, i am starting to like winter,the cold and dark suits my mood, sunshine can make me even more dissociated these days. I could hibernate forever. I just never feel safe anymore,there is this strange sensation that I am disintegrating......

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I have that feeling of disassociation, of fading away as an individual sometimes. I find it helps if I can go to a coffee shop, a library, visit a friend, be with other people in a non-threatening environment. Somehow, if I'm out and about, interacting with other people, ( However, cautiously. ), I somehow feel more " real " and confident in myself as an individual.
I don't know if this is of any help to you.
Good Luck!

[shatteredhopes]

Glad you are taking on some tasks around the house...miserable as such chores are, sometimes I find doing little things like the dishes gives me a sense of accomplishment and takes my mind off troubles for a bit. I am lucky in that I live alone so if its messy, I'm the only one that has to deal with it and it doesn't ususally bother me so much.

Don't worry too much about Mark, as he loves you and knows you are struggling and knew about your illness from early on I suspect so he never would have proposed unless he was willing to be there in both the good times and the bad.

Glad you are meeting with the mental health team! It is so good that you may finally get some more help and your doc is finally listening instead of just expecting you to "snap out of it."

Sometimes I reward myself when I do things around the house or something I have to push myself to do, and sometimes the activity is a sense of accomplishment and reward in itself. Treat yourself special, you deserve it. Glad you have Mark to help you through and you are making an effort to socialize as difficult as it is I think it helps.

[xn728]

tee heee hee hee im sorry lisa for laughing ,you know fran has trouble hoovering these days ,so i do it ,and lots of other things ,ive always helped out anyway ,but i know how mark felt if he got a little ratteld
i was laughing because under the noise of the hoover i moan and chunter
fran just laughs ,then when i hit the cord rewind ,and the damned plug shins me ,then she really creases up ,your posts to me were uplifting lisa
thankyou ,i cant stop laughing now lisa ,see you made me laugh today
,be strong lisa we,ll all ride it out together ,think of me and the hoover in the morning ,,,,,,,oh lisa i wish i could laugh forever if i could just have the rest of my life just a little happy,,,,,,,,,,,,, ken (((((lisa)))))

[lisalou]

TackingIntoTheWind - a very good point my friend,I do find it helps to have a slow careful 'return to the world' walk or being in somewhere calm like a bookshop. exploring textures of things or smelling nice things helps me feel a bit more connected with reality and grounded too. one of the counsellors at my support group today was asking what makes me feel more calm and i found myself remembering the hypnotic simplicity of a candle in the darkness...i must start using candles again

shatteredhopes - a 'reward' for housework is a good incentive indeed. i tried giving myself a 'deadline' for getting the washing up done and then promising myself i could get back on the sofa and read afterwards (reading is still v difficult, i find i keep reading the same thing again and again and spacing out but i'm getting there) I have started a project of sorting through my clothes, i had so much stuff just piled up on top of my wardrobe and in piles everywhere,i was just wearing the same things again and again because i didn't care enough to try and find stuff. well now i am a bit more organised and i have ended up bagging up a lot of things i just haven't been wearing or that don't suit me, ready to give away to charity. it's been quite therapeutic. i find it impossible when i am very low but a good way of getting something constructive out of my anxiety when i have been agitated and squirreling about - feeling the urge to do something

and ken - mind those shins!!!! glad my hoovering made you smile! we have endless amusement from the woman in the flat above,she hoovers several times a day,she's utterly obsessed. mark thinks we should get her down to ours......

[crybaby1086]

((((Lisa))))Glad to hear you are doing little things around the house and getting organized. Way to go! I have often read that a clean and organized enviornment promotes a uncluttered mind and a sense of wellbeing. Keep it up girl! I hope your sense of accomplishement gives you some light in your day

[Mich]

Wow....hoovering several times in one day! That's crazy. I am doing really really well if I get to it once per week. I am glad you have pushed yourself a little bit to do some things. I try to do that too and for awhile was really doing well at it but I have slipped a bit these days. How was the 30th birthday party that you went to? I hope today is going okay for you.

[lisalou]

The party was really hard work, although there was a lot of people i know well i felt really shy and couldn't face talking to anyone,spent most of the time with a fixed grin on my face and frantically gnawing at the straw of my drink. How was that evening you were going to those people's house? I feel awful today, everything is grey and meaningless,so many worries and a feeling of utter hopelessness