Crashing Hard

[Mich]

I am crashing hard again. The darkness has swallowed me up and there is no escaping it. I am desperate for relief and nothing I do to soothe myself seems to work. The aching and heaviness in my chest is unbearable. I can never seem to get across to my psychiatrist how badly I am suffering. He will not adjust my meds as he does not want me to be numbed out as I go through painful therapy dealing with my past. I really just want to give up. I have lost hope that anything can ever cure me from this disease. My husband and kids have no idea what I go through every day....how much effort it is just to stand up and be present. I want to hide, to escape, to be free of all burdens. I am not stronger than this disease.

[dandelion]

((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))))))

Depression is pure hell, but please remember that hope is always there for you..for all of us, please dont give up and stay strong...its hard to deal depression and its harder when you deal with it alone. but you have all of the people here and please dont forget that. Keep strong and i believe one of these days we will fight this depression and be happy again.

dandelion

[shatteredhopes]

I am not a therapist and am not in your skin so cannot judge, but it just seems the therapy dealing so much with the really painful stuff from the past is openning wounds that never fully healed at a time when you are already weakened by depression. Maybe you could only deal a little with the past in small increments, but most of your therapy session deal with day to day life, setting small goals for yourself each week, then when you are stronger, delve more into the most painful parts of the past. I dunno...but it seems you are far too vulnerable right now and your therapist is not helping you through it enough...is your therapist giving any feedback or constructive suggestions for how to heal from past wounds as you talk about them? Is he or she giving you suggestions for coping with daily life? I know you said you would try to lighten it up a bit, but I also wonder if this therapist is meeting your needs.

The medicine can only do so much, I've found. Unfortunately, when we are wounded, psychiatric meds only do so much. I have yet to find one that really makes a dent in depression.

I know one thing that helps me a little is writing what I am feeling...post as much as you need to or you find helpful...we are listening and we care.

I hate that you are hurting so much, and wish there was something I could say to ease your pain.

Wishing you peace and light in your day, with sisterly love...

[Mich]

Thank you dandelion. It's hard to keep having hope but I think I have a glimmer of it there still. I wish you much strength as well.

Shatteredhopes - I always love your input. You always put so much thought into it. Don't worry, I like my psychiatrist and trust in his care for me. It has taken me a few years to get to the point where I could share these things with him. I agree that I should take it slower and not do a big painful sharing at each appt. I have been involved in many groups at the hospital over the years which have dealt with coping mechanisms. Unfortunately when I am at my lowest I have a lot of trouble calling upon them. Perhaps it is time for me to re-enter one of these groups and maybe I will ask my doctor for a referral to one this week.

The day has been hard. It is almost time for my children to get home and I will do my best to interact with them. I still need more alone time to try to pull myself up a bit. When my children get home it is so many inputs to deal with all at once that it is a bit overwhelming. However, they deserve a mother who is present.

[lisalou]

hey sister, am sane enough at the moment to say hello and to sympathise with how awful you are feeling. perhaps you should try writing your feelings down and reading some of it out to your psychiatrist? maybe to your husband too if you feel comfortable doing so and think it might help him understand. good luck with greeting your kids and getting through the afternoon's demands. thinking of you

Lisa x

[crybaby1086]

Mich as long as the air is going in and out of your lungs there is hope. Be strong. You are in my thoughts.

[shatteredhopes]

I just wanted to say how much I admire you for holding it in long enough to be there for your kids. It must be very hard, and you should be proud of yourself that despite your suffering you are being a good mother. I am proud for you.

[Mich]

It's now Tuesday and I am retaining water this morning which means that my weight is up. Being an anorexic, this is greatly disturbing and adds stress to my already fragile mental state.
I have a psychiatrist appt today. Here in Canada, psychiatrists do therapy as well as meds so he is my therapist. I will try to convey my anguish, will fail to do so adequately, and will be very frustrated by that fact. Having had uncaring parents, it is very important for me to feel "looked after". I don't feel that at home and perhaps it is unfair and selfish of me to think that should be the case. The rest of my family have their lives to live and their focus should not be looking after me. I know that....but still I crave to be nurtured. I have to find some other way to get that feeling. Perhaps by nurturing myself....the hardest thing of all.

[lisalou]

hi mich, how did your appointment go? if you are still feeling frustrated with your attempts to express things verbally,maybe try writing down in bullet point form the things you want to convey the most. that's what i did just before my doctors appointment and i think it helped me get out most of the things i wanted to talk about. as for your weight remember it is just water,not fat,the human body needs water...also i'm sure you know deep down that as an anorexic you have a distorted idea of what weight is 'too much'. as a woman of 5ft 10 you are tall and can carry far more weight than you probably think possible and look absolutely fine

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((((((((((((((Mich))))))))))))))))))))) Thinking of you and wondering how you are today...wishing you have a little light and hope in your day.

[lisalou]

hi again mich, don't forget that book i mentioned to you before - 'The woman's comfort book' by Jennifer Louden, it's full of really good ideas for nurturing yourself