Lonely

[Mich]

I am suffering today and the loneliness is overbearing. I cry about not having any friends but then again, I don't want to be around people so what the heck do I really want? I want my husband to care if I live or die. I do not want to natter on to him for hours on end about my illness....not at all. But when he knows I have called a crisis center, I want him to say "how are you doing" when he gets home and yet he doesn't. We will talk about his day, his workout, his swimming technique, our kids but nary an enquiry into the state of my wellbeing. Hello....I wanted to kill myself today....don't you care to know how I am doing now? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes, I guess I am.
You know, when I left work abruptly on sick leave 4 years ago and never returned, not one person I worked with called to see what was wrong or to see how I was doing. And I had fooled myself into thinking I had friends there. But as you can see, I did not. I have no friends at all. There is not one single person I can call up to chat with or have a coffee with. I am such a loser. My daughter once asked me "Mom, who are your friends?" And I had to tell her I didn't have any. For some reason, people are repulsed by me and don't want to be my friend. Again, more pity party.
The blackness stretches out before me today. There is no relief today from the emotional and physical pain. I have made an effort....I have gone outside to get some soothing from the fresh air and sun. I have done some errands to distract my mind. The bottom line is that none of that helps. It just doesn't help.

[xn728]

mich i will be with you ,as i feel lonly too ,i have been thinking about things and trying to get my head straight ,my words are missing thats why im unhappy .but i will still carry you as long as you need me to do so ,i cant say anymore than that really ,you are a dear freind and as long as you suffer so do i ,feel better soon i wish that for you mich ,think of your freinds mich ,your not alone ,,i promise ,,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

I remember a time in my life where I was all alone except my dogs and cat. The only time I encountered people was at the grocery store and going to the therapist or if I called a crisis line. I cried all the time and was so lonely but incapable of speaking with anyone or making the effort to make friends because I hurt too much.

I realize that I am fortunate to have many acquaintances, friends, from volunteering over the years. They don't know much about me, but I do have some people I can socialize with. One bought me a ticket to a function on Saturday I could not afford to go to, and another had suggested it to her. But they all have families, so I am often alone on holidays and at other times. I always wanted a family. I don't have money to go to the movies with anyone. I miss my pets most of all because I never felt as lonely when they showed unconditional love. I guess the grass is always greener.

My point is, YOU are a wonderful person who can have friends, aside from the friends you have here who care a lot about you. I know its hard, but do try to find out if there is a support group. You will make friends who not only also want friends, but UNDERSTAND. Go ahead and volunteer for the hospital, when you can, like you've long thought about. As much as I can, focusing on someone else temporarily takes my mind off my troubles, and makes me feel a little better about myself and my circumstances. And I have made friends through volunteer work, you likely will too. Its just hard to socialize at all when you are depressed. Its like putting on a mask and acting, faking so no one knows you can only think of killing yourself and hurt so much inside, and can be very draining...so best to only do it in small doses, in my experience.

I know it must hurt that your husband doesn't understand or support you in your illness. Is there any way you could go to a family/couples counseling that would help him understand better and learn how to be more supportive? He probably feels helpless, so he chooses not to acknowledge the problem because he can't fix it. I dunno...but I'm sorry. I know it must hurt.

Treat yourself (((((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))))))). Maybe go splurge on a coffee again. Only this time, sit there and drink it, instead of bringing it home. Bring a magazine or notepad to doodle on or a book you can pretend to read if you start to feel uncomfortable. FORCE yourself to smile at strangers. I do that when I can. I have had conversations with people, I have chatted about the pastries with strangers, just to force myself to socialize a little and get out of isolating and my hermit-depressive mode. Sometimes no one talks to me. Sometimes someone does, or I initiate the conversation. Give yourself permission not to talk to anyone, just be around people for a bit.

I care about you my sister, my friend...I want to see you to see all the good things in yourself we see in you. You are a very nice person, you are just depressed so it is hard to make friends. But you can make face to face friends to go along with your on-line friends. I do believe that. Because I think you have something special inside. You are so caring and loving and kind. Others will appreciate that, too.

[crybaby1086]

((((Mich)))) I'm sorry you are having a bad day and you feel so lonely. But you are doing so well in forcing yourself to go outside. Go the extra step and get that coffee. Like S/hopes says smile at people make a random comment about the weather. You never know there may be someone else there in the same situation as you just waiting for someone to say hello to them.