Same s***, different day...

[lisalou]

have woken up with the normal despair, it's nearly 9am uk time and i should really start getting ready but i just can't face going through the motions. i am absolutely exhausted, the combination of my medication and depression itself means i am perpetually tired. i'm starting a really lousy cold and my stomach is churning for its usual morning bout of IBS. i have started the process of applying for sickness benefits which is absolutely mind-boggling in itself, doesn't look like i will get that much money anyway as my partner works full-time but anything has got to be better than dire poverty! mark (my boyfriend) is away most of this week and I'm a bit apprehensive, left to my own devices i sink even lower and i am really struggling with even basic self care at the moment. i had a long chat on the phone yesterday with my mum which stirred up a lot of issues (i have A LOT of issues with my mother. but hey, who doesn't?)

sorry i am not exactly a ray of sunshine this morning

[shatteredhopes]

Hi ((Lisalou))...hope all goes well with your sickness benefits. I understand what its like struggling with self care...while I don't have the same disease as you do, my stomach and system sometimes gets upset when I am upset. I can't imagine the difficulty you must live with. Starting a cold makes you feel depleted and bad in itself. You are dealing with A LOT right now. So go easy on yourself. Just do what you can and let the rest go.

Family issues can be so difficult and emotional. And with Mark gone this week, I am sure you are struggling more than usual.

Hoping you find a little light in your day and can manage to do something nice for yourself. Sending sisterly love your way...

[xn728]

the sickness benifit ,fracarse ,will grind you down lisa ,please be strong ,once youve answered all the ,in humane questions it may get easier ,my new job ,is hard ,facing people in the shop,ive decided if this doesnt work ,ill get xmas out of the way ,then ,go sick myself ,lisa please
be strong were all thinking of you ,,,,,,later ken lisa yes ive seen doc
will post tonight ,a little help .on my way ....ken

[Mich]

Lisa - I don't have any words at the moment...I am so sorry but my brain just won't function. Please know that I am thinking of you, my sister, and wishing you well. Let us help you get through this week.

[lisalou]

thank you for your kindness everyone, things have gone from bad to appalling. i got a phone call from mark when i had just left for work saying he is being made redundant, it is just the last straw, how on earth will we cope? he thinks we have money saved up but i was not able to afford to put the money in each month and kept lying about it, all my lies will come out and he will see what an awful b***h i am and he will leave me and that truly is the end. i arrived late and shaking to work and they took one look at me and said they didn't really need me and that i could go home. i walked through the park in the rain weeping, i went into the little church there and completely broke down, i just can't cope with these unbearable feelings any more, everything seems so bleak, i am having constant suicide thoughts,but i know ultimately i won't do it. i just desperately desperately want to get away from my own broken mind and body, how is anyone expected to live in such pain. i have an appointment with my counsellor later but it is probably my last one as i simply can't afford it, i so hope i get to see the community mental health team soon. i am seeing my doctor monday as i need a medical note for my benefits claim, i hate the man, he thinks i just have a bad attitude rather than a mental illness, i challenge him to live one day with these demons. ken,i'm glad your doctor is more understanding,it sounds like it went well, tell me more later. shatteredhopes, thank you for your continued kindness. mich, i am sorry you are so bad yourself but i can feel your support. i am going to collapse on the sofa now and hide under my blanket like the scared pathetic little child i am

[Mich]

Oh Lisa....I am so sorry. Please don't call yourself a pathetic child. This would be terrible news for anyone. I am glad your work showed you some compassion and let you go home. I am worried about you being alone there though. If your thoughts of suicide are too strong, you need to reach out for help immediately....get yourself to the hospital. Please promise me you will. I know how the pain can reach such an intensity that it seems unbearable for another minute...that is torture and I want to take some of that from you today. Please remember that in time the intensity will lessen and you will breathe again. That is an appalling attitude for your doctor to have....sadly, there are some bad ones out there. Could you make a change? I really want to see you continue with the counselling so if the community provides some, please pursue it. I think that outlet is very helpful and much needed.
Reach out here today if you feel up to it. I will come on frequently. Hang on...we are here for you.

[lisalou]

i am safe...no motivation to move , just hiding, warm and alone, i don't even have the drive to feel like taking an overdose, don't have much medication left anyway, please don't worry, mark is home in 3 hrs,we will talk then,in the meantime i am just lying down with the tv in the background, i hope my employers dont say that i'm obviously not coping even with 12hrs a week and let me go altogether, i can't lose what little income we do have, i will probably get better benefits if mark is unemployed though, too drained to write more, back to the blanket, a hot water bottle too,safety.....

[Hanging On]

Lisalou I can feel your pain through your words. The world we live in is the hell we wish we could escape. The depths of our pain and suffering comparing to nothing else. I have stood at the edge of the cassim many times myself hoping and praying for an end. Closing my eyes, waiting, waiting for the sequel of my life to begin. To be able to start anew but it never comes. Only the harsh reality that I am to bare this unpredictable disease for yet another day.

But Lisa the thing that keeps me going, even through my darkest hour is the memory of having been at a better place, and the overwhelming desire to be at that place again knowing it will happen and that all I have to do is keep holding on.

The darkness will weaken, the pain will decrease, the warmth of the sun will again find your face to caress, and you will have beaten back your enemy once again. Stay strong in your fight. Realize that you deserve to feel better, and know that you are never alone. Your faithful friends will always be close to listen, to cry, and to help give you peace through your long ordeal. Please take sollice in that truth, and keep hanging on. We need you!

[xn728]

i was in the garden lisa when i saw this and i was so angry and upset for you both ,i have cryed for you and i let the tears fall into my hands ,then i threw them into the night ,next time it rains you will see these tears on a window ,or if your out they will touch you ,and mark ,and you may feel
how this to upset me and i shared your pain ,myself and fran have never had life easy ,we have no money now ,and at this late stage ,it will probably stay that way ,so we know how hard things are,you and mark will get through this ,it will bring you closer together ,and your love will become stronger ,it wont be easy ,but i know you will suceed ,i can only give you words lisa ,oh and just one thing ,you must have ,please take my (yapph)it was never meant for me ,i dont know how it works ,open it one day and use it when you feel better ,it magic is wasted on me ,,,i wish you both so very all the strentgh in the world ,if only i could give you more ,lisa and mark
(((((((((((((ken))))))))))))

[xn728]

lisa mark will not be angry about the money ,you know theres always upset at first ,but its only frustration ,you will hold each other ,and that will be so nice ,then you will talk ,,and it wont look so bad ,right now everythings spinning round in your head ,trying to pay this and that
it cant be looked at now ,step away and look at it all swirling round
bits sticking out here and there ,let it stop spinning ,right it down in order of importance ,and sort it out ,and when thats done move on till its all done ,with the extra time ,put a good spin on it ,go for walks together
let him carry you on his arm ,like i do fran ,do you know i still catch young blokes looking at her ,and this makes me so proud ,when i tell her it tickles her i always say fran you got a pull there ,go on you can tell him im your grandad,,she always laughs at this ,mark will be pround to have his fine woman on his arm ,this will get sorted out and you will shine once more lisa , mark will enjoy helping you feel better its what loving men do
walk forward lisa this will soon be behind you ,,,,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

thank you both for your words of kindness and strength. mark is being quite positive about the news so i guess i should try too. it's just so hard when i'm already so depressed and pessimistic about the future. it's not quite as bad as the message he left on my phone, he doesn't have to go immediately, maybe not till july. he works for Lloyds TSB (a big English bank) and they are closing down most of their offices in the south east, it was even on the news, he saw one of his best friends in the background! i think with the current economic climate no business is safe. he has worked there so many years that he should get a decent redundancy payout but it is still a huge shock. i felt like i couldn't say anything about how awful i'm feeling and that i got sent home because he's got enough on his plate. still there is the guilt and worry about me lying that we have more money than we actually have. somehow i know it will work out but it's just so overwhelming when i've already been feeling such despair. i'm off to my counselling very soon, i don't even know where to begin...especially as this session is probably the end, it is my choice as i can't afford it and have been feeling that i don't have much of a bond with her and that it is not helping. it is a very bad time to lose any of my support systems though. i so so wish it was friday when i will be going to my mental health group, one of the counsellors there promised to have a long talk with me.

don't cry for me ken, i have done enough crying for a week and keep some of your yapph for yourself - as we always say to the kids at nursery 'it's nice to share'!

thanks for your words of courage Hanging on, i will try, like you to keep Hanging On. i must get away from my own misery and my own madness

[lisalou]

just saw the second part of your message ken, thanks, i must step away from the problem for now indeed...it is spinning so very much, a swarming gurgling cauldron of fear and self-blame and insecurity and obsession with my own death and destruction... i can see you and fran arm in arm in my mind's eye, love is a beautiful thing, mark still holds my hand whenever we are walking down the street too

[xn728]

cryed already lisa and the yapph was agift please take it or it will float away ,it has no hope with me ,,,,,,,,,,,,given freely perk up ken

[Mich]

I imagine Mark to be a really lovely man and the two of you will get through this together....with love. I am happy that the news is not as grim as first reported and that he can stay employed until July. Keep hanging on and leaning on Mark for support. I am sure he loves to help you. I'm hoping that you have a good night's sleep and that the intensity subsides a bit tomorrow. Talk to you tomorrow.

[lisalou]

don't know if i can sleep, i am terrified to go to sleep because then the next thing i know will be waking up and the atrocity of another morning. i don't know how much longer i can lean on mark without him collapsing too. ken, i now accept your yapph gratefully, i need every help i can get. feels strange to have left my counselling, much as i felt it wasn't helping it is the end of an era and it now seems terrifying to have one less outlet, and silly to quit when i am quite clearly at my worst. i just don't know anything anymore