Depression Understood Forums

Hey everyone.
For the last 2 years I've been dealing with depression. Almost all day, everyday I worry about something I did 3 years ago that I am afraid has negativly impacted someone- and it certainly has negativly impacted myself.
I became obsessed with my problem, and posting my 'question' to look for reassurance from other on yahoo answers. On that site I have literally posted over 200 questions, often spending hours a day doing do, checking complusivly for responses. I hope that posting this here will help me not just ask for one answer- but to further open discussion and help me get past my guilt so I can move forward with my life. I attend therapy with a wonderful therapist who has really helped me, but I still have panic and anxiety attacks, and it helps to have people to talk to, particularly in my situation which is currently quite lonely.
So here is my 'story' taken directly from one of my 'yahoo questions'. I choose to post this as it greater describes me frequent worry and concern in some of my more worse mindframes.

Thanks for reading this- I do apperciate it. Feel free to ask anything if any clearing up is needed. THANK YOU.


About 3 years ago, I met a girl at a bar and I made an akward move and kissed her for a few seconds sort of out of the blue. at some point shortly after, I felt down her pants and touched her butt a bit(we were both sitting down, it was just one hand and I didn't get that far). I felt pretty bad/stupid for a bit after, but I had/have no reason to beleive that she didn't want it and she never said no or I obviously would have stopped. What if this happened to you? Would you have asked me to stop, slapped me, etc if you didn't want me near you? Would you be traumatized by it? For the last 2 years almost I think about it 24/7 and can't get over worrying about it.
We didn't make out- I kissed HER. I can't say if she really was into it or not, and I pulled away, not her.
I feel like crap and I hate myself for what I did everyday, every moment. I cannot forgive myself and I cannot give this up.

I honestly meant no harm but it- I was inexperienced , drunk and stupid. I have felt very guilty and ruined the last 2 years of my life over it... Please understand that I am not a creep who does this all the time- I just was at a stage in my life where I wanted to be more outgoing but was also inexperienced and didn't really know waht I was doing. I am normally a very thoughtful person, and I feel very, very bad about regardless of what she may of thought. It was very out of character for me

Normally i walk around the bars/clubs with my hands behind my back or in my pockets becasue I hate even touching someone by accident... I am not a creep, just made a stupid mistake

I have no way of finding her again, unfourtunatly

My main worry is that she had low self esteem or was in shock and I didn't realize it. One of her friend akwardly approched me later and caught me off guard saying 'oh, your the guy who tried to stick his tounge down my friends throat?' and I was nervous and felt off so I said no to her, to which she shook her head 'yes, yes' and I don't really know what happened after (though she didn't scream or hit me) I'm imagining that if she was messed up her friend would have realized and been very angry/upset or said something else to me. Some people I have talked to hypothisize that she may have been trying to get me to go back with the woman, but I can never be sure of anything.
Why can't I give this up? I am tired of living with depression and anixety my whole life. I am a good person who made an honest mistake that he had never done before or after. I am regretful, but fear the next 60 years of my life will be an entire waste.

It was'nt a date- I met her AT the bar, no pre-planned it just sort of worked out that my friend and I started talking to her friends, etc

I am not the expert on guilt and such, as I struggled much over the years to forgive myself, but have recently regressed.

First, one thing, where do you think this excessive guilt comes from? For me, I know it stems from being violently abused for the slightest transgression. Knowing where it comes from helps.

Second, I am fortunate that I have a 12 step program, where I have had the opportunity to make amends. Sometimes, like in your case, you have no way of finding the person. So do something, some task, for someone else as a "spiritual amends"...for instance, could you make a contribution to an organization that deals with self-esteem for women or a rape crisis center? Can you write out a letter of apology to the woman, then ritually burn it and send it into the universe? You also make living amends everyday in the way you treat people now. When we know better, we do better, as Maya Angelou says. You are a changed person. That in itself is a form of amends.

Third, you were at a bar, and likely had a bit of booze in your system, which may have caused you to act in a way you wouldn't have ordinarily. You admit you are inexperienced, so you acted in a way out of of type of ignorance. These two factors make your mistake more understandable. You have learned from your mistake. Wouldn't you forgive someone else who did that under similar circumstances? Why hold yourself to a higher standard than everyone else?

A little OCD, anxiety, depression...recipe for excessive worry and beating yourself up over and over for a mistake.

We ALL make mistakes and do wrong things. The key is owning up to it, accepting responsibility, doing our best to apologize or make amends, then learning from our mistakes and doing better in the future. That's all we can do. Make progress. You will make other mistakes in the future. That's just life. No one is perfect. So don't expect perfection from yourself. Settle for growth.

I am reminding myself of these lessons as I am sharing with you. Hope you find the healing you need and deserve...wishing you a little peace and light today.

The second to last paragraph that shatteredhopes wrote really describes what I would like to say. I cannot add to it....she has said it so well.
I am sorry you are suffering. It is good that you have a therapist that you work well with and who has helped you. That is so important. Perhaps you will find some comfort and support on this forum as well. I know I have. I hope today is a good day for you and that you find some relief from your depression....I know how terrible it is to suffer like this.

Thanks for your support.
I am going to keep my councilling up and start on some depression meds, and hopefully this will help more.
I know that what I did might have been wrong for me, but my intentions were not to hurt or harm, it was an akward move, but I know I am not capable of trying to harm someone in that kind of way.
I am trying hard to forgive myself, though I know after two years it will be difficult, I have to keep trying.