Struggling

[lisalou]

have been feeling so bad the last few days it terrifies me and yet i feel nothing at all, numbness and yet pain, guilt and sadness over so many little things both past and present, so so hard to even get out of bed, took me hours this morning, i just feel so miserable and weak and sick, every movement and small task is a military operation, mark is having to look after me a lot, i can't get my brain together to do even basic cooking, my brain is so vacant it's dangerous, keep forgetting i've left the oven on, get nearly knocked down by cars, forget whether i've taken tablets or not etc etc, i'd love to be able to read but the words just won't make sense,i get frustrated with myself. i 've got an english degree yet i can barely comprehend a sentence. even little things like washing my face or making a phone call are mountains to climb. mark just mentioned that he's run out of biscuits (cookies), he is a biscuit junkie, i am determined to go to the shop in a bit and get him some even if i do go in my pyjamas, he does so much for me and i am so useless to him, half the time i can't even face talking to him and everything irritates me even though the poor man gives me nothing but love, i am horrible. i feel like a baby again, all i want to do is hide under my blanket, i suck my thumb, i cry for my beloved grandparents who have died and i want to be their little girl again, i hurt right across my chest with the ache of sadness. i can't bear feeling like this much more, i just can't bear it, i'm crying as i type, i desperately want a hug and yet if feels really threatening when people are too close to me, i'm so dissociated that everything seems really weird and i feel estranged from everything, disembodied and yet i've got a headache and a stomachache which bring me back to earth, as always just pain tethering me to the earth, i am hurting on so many levels

[xn728]

your pain is my pain to lisa ,i will try and lesson it for you by wishing you feel better soon ,stick with it lisa ,we are all around you ,look with your mind and see us here ,smiling and surrounding you with our thoughts
you will feel better lisa i promise ,dont forget ive been were you are
dear freind lisa ,your not alone ,,,,,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

I feel it in my chest too...I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough day. One thing that helps me, I take long hot soaks in the tub. It helps my physical pain, and my emotional pain, because it gives me the sensation of being held and is comforting...

It would be great if you can go get the cookies. I know it would make you feel good to do something for him. The main thing I would suggest is you let him know its not him causing your current crisis, its just the disease. Maybe he knows that, but just to hear it might be nice. I know with my ex I feared sometimes our fights were triggering...at least I tried to accept responsibility, but sometimes I felt he just wasn't happy with me. Turns out, I was right. But if you love Mark, just try to keep talking as much as you can...keep the communication lines open. Just to hear how you are feeling and for him to be able to support you through it is a form of intimacy in itself...I hope that makes sense and I'm sorry for getting into my stuff so much but just hoping something in my experience can help you.

There's something I've been meaning to tell you ((Lisalou)). I have noticed on a number of your posts, you have the most delightful, whimsical, charming sense of humor! I really enjoy the jokes you crack and brings much needed smile to my face.

Brotherly love your way and hoping the day gets better...

[Mich]

Oh Lisa...I am so sorry. I know how much it hurts. I wish I could be there just to sit with you and tell you I understand what you are going through. I agree that going out to get the biscuits would be a good thing. Even if you go in your PJ's you will get some nice fresh air and you will be doing a kindness for Mark. I know it doesn't feel like it now but the intensity of your pain will lessen. Just hang on, keep writing if it helps you feel better and do any comfort thing you can to help yourself feel better. If it's cold outside there, would a nice hot bath be comforting? Do you have any nice bubbles or scent you could put in the water? Remember to try as hard as you can to keep yourself nourished and hydrated. The eating part is hard, I know, but please take in some fluids. I'm here today and want to carry some of your suffering for you. Please hand some of it over to me.

[lisalou]

well i managed to go out and get biscuits..and a few other things we needed too so i feel useful at least, i really couldn't face showering but threw some clothes on at least, put my pj's back the second i got back in - they are officially my second skin! still feel very low and listless but am proud i made it to the shop, it is meant to pour with rain all day here tomorrow so we are stocked up and i won't have to go out again this weekend. i try to explain how i am feeling day to day to mark and say that it is not personal if i am not up to chatting much or just want to be alone. unfortunately i really will be alone most of this forthcoming week, he is out almost every night and then going to stay with family for a long weekend, i am a bit apprehensive. i have managed to start re-reading a book i have called 'a head full of blue', it is an autobiography of a man with depression, anxiety and alcohol addiction, it is SO easy to read as it is in a very accessible style and is broken up in little mini chapters of only a page or so each. the fact i've read it before helps too! it feels good for my self esteem to be able to read again. i find i am so self-absorbed with depression lately it's about the only thing i can focus on reading about. shatteredhopes, you mentioned on another post that you've had issues with alcohol so it may be an interesting book for you too, it's by nick johnstone, it's published in england but you may be able to get it there too or order it on amazon. i'm not very good with taking baths, i prefer showers, when i was a child i used to try and drown myself in the bath or get so depressed i'd get stuck in there as the water slowly turned cold around me, i have a lot of issues with my body too. still, it is nice and cosy where i am,our computer is by the radiator and i can see mark watching a film with one of the cats on his lap which is soothing. we are going to have a curry later, my appetite is fine, if anything i'm majorly comfort-eating and my IBS is so bad regardless of how i eat so i figure i might as well eat what the hell i like. a very MILD curry though, i don't have toilet insurance ( still think i have a charming sense of humour???!)

everyone, your kind words really help, thank you

Lisa xxx

[xn728]

that a nice cosy picture you drawn there ,im glad you feeling a little better ,sorry about my outburst earilier ,my only crime is i care to much
have a good evening ,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

caring is good...as long as you don't let it drain you too much ken, right, back to my book, pleased with my renewed ability to understand sentences!!!!!!

[xn728]

thanks lisa ,enjoy the book ,hope tommorrow is better for you ,cold here
and rainy ,,bonfire night again outside ,,lol ken

[shatteredhopes]

How are you today ((lisalou))?

Yes, I still think you are funny.

[lisalou]

really not very good i'm afraid shatteredhopes, finding it hard to read and write posts, was very tearful this morning, tried to go out for a bit, soon realised it was a mistake and came straight back home, not quite sure what to do with myself for the rest of the day, can't really focus on anything, dreading work tomorrow, the thought of looking after kids even for only 3 hours seems very daunting and my brain has completely left thr bulding.....

[shatteredhopes]

Maybe you can make a cup of tea, snuggle under a blanket, and watch a movie you have seen before? Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on recently and I thought of you. A long hot shower with some good smelling shower gel? Let the warm water run over you and soothe you?

I am sorry you are having a hard day and are especially tearful right now. I hope tomorrow will be brighter for you.

At least be proud that you are working, despite this overwhelming disease. AND you work with children, which shows you have a lot of love and patience.

You are a kind caring and sometimes very funny person, ((lisalou)). Comfort yourself as best you can. We are rooting for you!

[lisalou]

thank you ever so much for your kind words and good advice - i was thinking of maybe tidying my room and sorting out the huge pile of clothes festering on top of the wardrobe but i just don't think it's gonna happen, i just don't care enough to do it right now so hibernating under my blanket is probably a better option, i am going to TRY to carry on reading 'a head full of blue' through the fog in my brain and there's a movie on a lttle later. how is your day going?

Lisa x

[shatteredhopes]

Snuggling under a blanket sounds like good idea!

I am kinda on an upswing at moment, but the slightest thing could start a crash.

We care about you ((lisalou)). Enjoy your book and the movie later. I'm glad you are able to do something comforting to help you through this. Its so hard to feel depressed and tearful. It hurts so much. So be kind to yourself however you can. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

[xn728]

lisa /s,hopes i hope your both ok ,good feelings for you both tommorrow
best wishes ,,,night ,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[crybaby1086]

Good luck tomorrow Lisa! I know how hard it is to get up and get ready for work Then have to spend what seems like an eternity there. Hopefully, tomorrw will dawn bright and beautiful and it will put a little spring in yourself!