Pain

[Mich]

It's just unrelenting pain day after day with barely a moment's relief. Some days I manage to rise up and conquer a few tasks, do an outing etc and other days it is just impossible. I have taken my kids to school and now my desire is to sequester in for the day. I have a psych appt today so I will do my best to get out for that as talking gives me some relief. I find my mind is in very dark places today: places of self harm and destruction. I find it nearly impossible to be kind and gentle to myself; the hatred always seems to bubble up to the surface. I just don't fit into this world. I have no friends....we're talking zero....and my daughter always used to ask me who my friends were. It was very painful to have to say "mommy doesn't have any friends". Now that she is older, she doesn't ask but she surely knows that I hold all people at arm's length, even her. I think I believe that if I don't make any attachments on this earth then it doesn't really matter how my story ends. I don't feel attached to anyone; not even my family. I have no siblings and I am certainly not attached to my parents who rejected me from the get go. I'm not a pretty person and I often wonder if my parents would have loved and accepted me more had I been beautiful. I know they were ashamed of me. Looks seem to count for so much in this world.
It's 9 am now. I am going to take my dog and go upstairs and lie down. I will set my alarm for 1 hour and then I will see if I am able to get up and do anything. My hair needs washing but I can't imagine doing that today. It seems like an insurmountable task.

[shatteredhopes]

YOU DO HAVE FRIENDS. YOU HAVE THEM HERE. I AM YOUR FRIEND. You have been sooooo kind and supportive and caring to me. You have your dog. My dogs and cat used to be my best friends, and they never hurt me and always showed unconditional love. Your kids love you.

Yes looks matter to some people, people without substance. I would rather be a caring human being than look like Miss America. I would rather make a difference in this world, and be good to my fellow man. I caught a clip on television of this beautiful woman, complaining about how some person dared asked for special seating at her wedding because he was in a wheelchair. Mocking him because he was handicapped. Then she refused to apologize, even though she was wrong, because some guy was "just a doorman." Looks fade, inner beauty does not. But I bet you are prettier than you think. No one feels pretty when they are depressed. We all feel bad about ourselves when we are depressed.

Is there any way you could join a support group? A support group would enable you to meet others with similiar problems, and you might make some face to face friends. But, regardless, YOU DO HAVE FRIENDS HERE. I CARE ABOUT YOU and WANT US BOTH TO HEAL.

Send thoughts of brotherly love and peace your way...

[shatteredhopes]

I know when you are depressed doing ANYTHING simple feels impossible. But if you can force yourself, could you maybe go to a nursing home and volunteer? Just read a little to the residents. Force yourself to smile at them and chat or JUST LISTEN. Elderly people are so lonely and desperate for friendship and companionship. A senior center may have a list of shut-ins who need a regular friendly phone call so that they know someone cares. Maybe you could take your dog to let someone pet?

I know at one point in my life when depression was so severe and I was completely alone, that's what saved my life. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to volunteer for something. I am going to force myself somehow to do it. It will mean I will have to brush my hair and teeth and put on clean clothes. It will mean that for a short bit of time, I will be transported out of my horrible self and life and focus on others and something greater than myself. It will help me through the day if I can force myself to do it.

When I think about it, I realize I have many acquaintances, friends, although not close, from volunteering. I wouldn't let them inside my dark, but they are nice to me, and it helps me to keep people at a distance somewhat. I am trying to learn to trust again.

Volunteering sometimes help me feel better about myself. Even if it doesn't lift the cloud, a least I can do a few drops of good along the way.

Could you volunteer for an animal shelter? A group for mentally handicapped? Whatever strikes your fancy. If you can force yourself to do it, even 1 hour every other week to start...it might help. Just a thought. I hate that you feel so alone. You are not alone. I care about you and want to see us both heal.

[Mich]

Shatteredhopes - you are so caring and giving...thank you. Yes, I think volunteering would be good for me and I have thought in the past about volunteering at the hospital. I just never get up the nerve to start the process. But you're right....anything that can take me away from focussing on my misery would be a good thing. I will see if I can take that first step now.

[xn728]

you have so many freinds mich were here ,and if you haven,t well im upset now ,is it that my pain has lifted ,and you feel it now ,then dont worry it will pass ,i know you speak of not having freinds on the outside ,but if that eludes you for now ,then you,ll have to make do with us ,the strong feild that surrounds you ,i know now without a doubt that you will rise from this ,as you just a few hours ago told me to do the same ,but lay down mich it does help i know that now ,but dont do silly things like i did ,i look upon you know curled up with the dog ,and with us in your thoughts nothing will harm you ,someone who has so much ,cannot have so little ,or maybe you are blinded by the pain you feel now ,open your eyes mich you will be amazed ,your freind ,,,,ken
oh and ps ,DONT MAKE ME COME IN THERE ,,LOL

[lisalou]

i am your friend too mich, i don't have any brothers or sisters either so maybe we can be honorary sisters. if you could face joining a support group i think it might help, i am finding it really hard to be with people at the moment as i have been desperately low but i find going to my group on fridays a real lifeline as they are people who can relate to me. today i got a nice surprise, a friend i haven't seen for over a year was there, i ran into her arms and wept. volunteering at the hospital might be a way forward for you as well if that's something you're interested in and i'm sure they'd be sympathetic in only letting you do as much as you feel capable of. i'm sure you are a lot prettier than you think, it sounds like your poor self-esteem never stood a chance if your parents were not loving and nurturing of you but that is their fault and not yours, i hope your therapist can help you move on. how was your appointment today?

[Mich]

Lisa, Yes Honorary sisters is fabulous! I am going to call the Mental Health association in my area to find out about any support groups. It will take me a while to get up the nerve to go because I also do not like to face people right now. But at least I will take the step and find out.
My pain is intense today, as is yours. I am forced to take my daughter places because my husband is with my son at a running race. I am not looking forward to bumping into other parents at her activities.

Thank you to everyone for your comments and input. This is such a caring place. I am blessed to have found it.