I'm Sorry

[shatteredhopes]

I'm sorry if I set anyone off mentioning my friends. I didn't mean harm, just as no one means harm to me when they mention pets or family.

Truth is, one of my friends made it absolutely clear he wants a romance, and I can't handle it right now, and I'm afraid if I don't want a romance, he won't be my friend anymore.

I don't know when or if I can handle a relationship again. I steered clear of relationships after my divorce until I got involved with my ex. Unfortunately, he was just using me and I couldn't see it. He didn't love me, he just used me in his dark to feed his low self-esteem and loneliness. I tried to love him the way I wanted to be loved, but he mistreated me in whole lot of ways. I don't know whether he did it consciously and intentionally, or just because he is so sick, but either way, I'm angry with myself for not seeing things clearly earlier. It hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back, and I lost myself in the relationship giving, giving, giving and trying to be there for him when he wouldn't or couldn't be there for me. I am sorry to myself for allowing him to mistreat me. I deserve better. I'm a messed up person, but I try to be a good person. I try to be kind and not hurt others.

Everybody is facing some kind of battle, and I don't want to be someone that pushes somebody else over the edge. So I'm sorry again if I upset anyone by talking about friends.

For me, the PTSD is bubbling under the surface and sometimes it overflows and I'm so afraid of it getting out of hand again. The break up has made things so much more difficult. I'm fighting, so hard, to keep sane and not self-harm or regress. Its hard to face on-going depression and sad events/grief all at once.

I'm so messed up.

[xn728]

hi shatteredhopes,we all talk about differant things ,if we were triggered by the slighhtest thing ,no one would dare write about them selfves ,
no worrys ,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

I write to get it out, but when I read others stuff, the slightest thing can upset me. Maybe I should stop posting, because I don't want to hurt anyone else...but I try to read others posts and know they don't mean to hurt me, and I just wanted to let others know I don't want to hurt them. I just want to be able to talk about my feelings and get some feedback that may be helpful or insightful and hope to offer the same to others.

[xn728]

sorry shatteredhopes,
i,ll carry on here ,i was interupted on the last post and it was unfinished
amoung other things privacy is not something i get much of ,and right now this laptop is very close to being ,the victim of frustrated rage ,i was trying to say ,that you must post how you feel and about your life ,this is what we are about ,lots of people have the same problems as you and if you were to aviod all these issues ,then it would not be worth posting ,please dont stop posting ,youve just got here and we would miss your input ,i talk freely about the way i feel ,something new here ,i have a brown bottle hidden ,it contains something that would ,silence me in around 25 minutes ,no pain ,ive had it years ,my family i love dearly and would never hurt them ,but its like having a gun and knowing you cant use it ,but its nice to pick it up and hold it now and then ,,,,comfort i dont know ,but i openly admit to being strange ,dont worry about something you havent done your part of the family now ,,,,my freind ,,,,,,,xn728 ken

[shatteredhopes]

I had two other forums I could go to, but he drove me off (intentionally, I think). I can't talk to the people in my life, they are worried sick about me. I am just trying to get through the day without harming myself and trying to avoid the hospital and trying to get some peer support...like group therapy.

I tried a long time ago a forum for PTSD but it was far too upsetting. I suffer major depressive episodes, am kinda bi-polar...I don't have hypermania, but I can be okay, then go over the edge depressed. I'm in a downward spiral and trying to keep my head above water. I cry at the slightest thing. The PTSD is bubbling under the surface, and I am so afraid of going over the edge again. I'm in dire financial straights and can't afford therapy. Medicine doesn't seem to help much, and I don't want to be over-drugged the way I was in the past, messed up even worse.

Everything I try to do to help myself seems to blow up in my face and be counter-productive, like when I was mistreated by the hospital and a very bad doctor. Its hard for me to trust. Only in being anonymous can I talk freely.

I understand the comfort of your bottle. I am close to the edge and trying to hang on to life as best I can.

[xn728]

hey shatteredhopes ,listen from now on im gonna shorten your name ,i hope you dont mind ,im not a good typer,so s/hopes,i to have ptsd since the fire so the visitor (depression )shows me reruns of this event daily ,if i did not have a loving wife and children ,i would end my life very quickly
but i dont have that option ,so the pain to pushes me to the edge and i have looked into that place many times ,but i just have to go on ,i have a shed were i have my little pet ferrets ,when i suffer badly i go in there and cry ,and bang my head on the wall ,and stifle my screams so my family doesnt hear ,to not be able to suffer in private is very painful in it self ,and while you look happily around your family ,during some happy event ,but inside your stomach is burning and the heat and anxiety makes you sweat and feel dirty is a burden ,no mere mortal could bear ,,
we are special we have strentghs and a special kind of kindness and compassion that non sufferers cant understand ,you must go on ,im sorry as i must ,and we both will feel more pain ,but we will walk this earth tommorrow ,and the day after,,,and so on ,to fall would be to give in and from what ive read in your posts ,you have the will to carry on ,in the forums here you will read many things and hopefully learn some lesson in survivil,so walk on s/hopes and we will catch your fall ,,,,,,,,
as for me today ,we,ll i hurt ,came from nowere,ijust want to hurt myself
why ,because i dont wantto hurt anyone else ,,,,,,,,,,walk on ,,,,,,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

I haven't been able to eat since lunch yesterday.

As you know, with PTSD, sometimes our reactions are delayed. I surpress and surpress and try to carry on.

I don't know how to carry on anymore. Or why I should.

[xn728]

I FEEL BAD TO AT THIS TIME ,WHY SHOULD YOU CARRY ON ,WELL IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE NO FREINDS OUTSIDE ,YOU DO HAVE THEM IN HERE ,I KNOW THE PAIN YOU FEEL AND MORE ,BUT SOMETHING WILL COME FROM SOMEWERE AND TAKE YOU FORWARD TO ANOTHER DAY ,
THERES NO WONDERFUL REST OR PEACE IF YOU LEAVE THE PLACE YOUR IN NOW ,HEAVEN OR WHATEVER MAY NOT EXIST ,MAYBE ITS WORSE THAN NOW! I MUST LAY DOWN NOW AND TAKE MY PUNISHMENT ,I WILL CARRY YOUR PAIN FOR A WHILE ,SO YOU CAN REST ,IM NOT AFRAID ,
S/HOPES YOU MUST LEARN TO LIVE WITH THIS ,KEEP POSTING
HOWEVER YOU FEEL ,BEST WISHES XN728,,KEN AT THIS VERY MOMENT YOU DONT SUFFER ALONE ,GOODNIGHT

[xn728]

i forgot to mention in the last post ,i get upset at what i read here
but ,its only cos i care ,you have to feel the pain to be able to carry it ,and the forum thing i was on three previous to this ,and i was treated like the devil ,and was told that in no uncertain terms ,but they didnt frigthen me ,i chose to move on ,feel the pain ,let its weight push down on you ,then one day you will stand up and feel a little less burden ,the pain you carry will be a little less heavy ,,,leaving the forum would not make your pain better,it would make our hearts heavier though,,,,night ,,,,
xn728,,,,,,ken

[crybaby1086]

Hi Shatterdhopes. There is no need to apologize for your feelings. You have a right to express them in anyway you see fit. That is what this forum seems to be about. Expressing youself. I hope you do carry on. There is a lot of happiness waiting for us when we are ready.

[shatteredhopes]

I feel like I am garbage.

[xn728]

your not garbage s/hopes your just ill at the moment ,when you look back in a few days ,you wont recoognise these words you wrote ,someone sent me a message yesterday ,i was happy to see this as i had been worried about them ,i sent a short abrubt reply back ,this is what garbage does ,a dear freind and i treated them badly ,this is not what freinds are for and if i cant control myself ,then maybe its time to put the trash out .i thought i was not like other men but ,i was wrong ,
,,,,you,ll feel better soon ,,wishes from ,,,silly little ,childish idiot man ,,,xn728,,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

I don't know what you did, but I have found apologies are healing for me and the person I wronged. I let guilt from wrong actions teach me to do better. I wish some of the people who hurt me would apologize and just acknowledge what they did to me, but they don't. Some people refuse to accept responsibility for hurting others. Some people don't care how much damage they cause.

You are not one of those people. You care! So do something positive about it...apologize to your friend. Your friend may think it was nothing, or you may help heal hurt feelings.

[xn728]

s/hopes ive done what you said and said sorry and admitted i am selfish
i have to leave it there now ,put it to bed as they say ,its out of my hands ,
now take my advise ,dont call yourself garbage ,and be strong my freind
,,,,,,,,ken xn728

[shatteredhopes]

I tried pets. I had to give them up. I tried friends. I was betrayed and badly hurt. I tried living to make a difference, only to be disappointed and disillusioned. I tried God, only to conclude if there is a God, God can't or won't help and whatever is in control of the universe is not good or caring about human fate. I tried a mate, only I drove him away in my sick and wasn't good enough for him. I tried working on myself, only face a whole, whole lota serious setbacks. I tried seeking help from the mental health profession, only to become far worse.

I feel like I must have done something really terrible to deserve the punishment that is my life. I've really tried to own up to my mistakes, forgive myself, and do better...but I can't stop the pain, loss, bad things from happening...I'm tired of risking my heart. Life is not fair, and people, unintentionally or intentionally, always hurt each other.