A bad start

[lisalou]

am feeling very low indeed, was only able to get up not long ago (it's just gone 1pm uk time) really can't face doing much of anything, am on strike regarding getting dressed or leaving home. my house is a mess but i can't be bothered to do anything about it. i have plenty of films to watch or books to read but i can't concentrate. i hate the endless cycles of depression - feeling a little bit better and then waking up and having to start all over again each morning. i hate myself

[xn728]

im so sorry you feel bad today ,here let me take that blackness ,i.ll hold it for a while ,you have a rest ,it cant hurt me ,dont worry about the house mess /that will only take a short while to tidy ,when you feel like it ,im bored but im just pottering around ,keeping the cuckoo in the head clock busy ,it will pass lisa ,i promise ,think of daft old ken at around 5pm
with his pumkin and three little ferrets in the garden having fun ,,,,
even though your sad im still glad to see you ,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

i will think of you indeed, happy halloween, and happy halloween to henry, boris and ? can't remember the third ferret's name ,sorry. i am just drifting around like a bad smell, found another rubber band,a nice thick one, to snap against my wrist when the self harm thoughts get bad. mark is out buying food for the cats,he is a much better parent than i am! ziggy is sleeping on the bed, he is pure black, a perfect little witch's cat, he is named after ziggy stardust as the kittens were born in the box that used to have mark's david bowie Labyrinth figure in it!!! smudge is his brother,he has a white bib and tummy and a smudge of white down one side of his nose. pixie is their mum, she is a grey tabby cat,she doesn't stay home much now,it's sad,she is fed up of her boys now they are grown up and pesky teenagers! i am never quite alone wth my cats, it's nice to have another three little heartbeats in the house...

[shatteredhopes]

because when I saw how compassionately you responded to me and my crises, the empathy, understanding, and love...I knew you were a special soul. In some people I have known, tragedy or serious illness like depression makes them more compassionate toward others and much more loving people. So important given how many total jerks there are in the world. Sometimes the holes we dig for ourselves or those dug for us become the well from which we draw a special strength or outstanding quality...You are an exceptionally kind person.

Do you have movies you have seen before? Sometimes I watch the same movie over and over because if I don't concentrate, its okay because I know what happens, and sometimes I find myself watching it anyway and breaking my lack of concentration streak...

My house is a federal disaster area. But I do little bits as I can. Sometimes just a simple task like dishes or laundry or cleaning the toilet. Sometimes I get a momentum going and do more if I can force myself to do some little thing, I get going and the positive reinforcement of accomplishments, and sometimes I just have to be proud that I did a little something. And sometimes I just have to be and not be so hard on myself because of what I can't do right now. I am not a bad person, I am a sick person.

[xn728]

LISA THE 3 FERRET IS BILLY ,THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY ,HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON ,,,,,,SHATTEREDHOPES ,LIKE I SAID TO LISA DONT WORRY ABOUT THE MESS DOESNT TAKE LONG TO SORT THAT OUT ,ITS YOUR MESS ,AND YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH IT ,,,,,,FEEL BETTER SOON THE BOTH OF YOU ,,,,,,,,,,,KEN XN728

[Mich]

Hi Lisa - I am sorry today is not going well for you. If I was there, I would come and see you today and try to ease your suffering just a little bit. As everyone says, don't beat yourself up about the mess. I live that way too and have tried to stop feeling bad about it. When you are ready to approach it, you will. Until then, it can wait. Remember, you are not alone....we are all here sending love and good vibes your way. I'm glad you have your kitties with you. They will show you some love today for sure.

[lisalou]

thank you very much for your loving words everyone. have been on the sofa huddled under a blanket with albie the wonder elephant (large, grey, corduroy, stuffed, never talks back) just mustered strength to come to the computer but can't read or write for long. like your idea of watching old movies and things shatteredhopes, might watch some buffy the vampire slayer, it fits the bill - easy to watch and i know it inside out. thank you all for your support x x

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Lisa

I am a bit of a mess myself. Please don't hate yourself. Go easy on yourself now. 1 step at a time. Take care, alright?

[lisalou]

thanks for your support onika, sorry to hear things are going so bad for you too. sending you love and hugs, lisa x

[lisalou]

hi again everyone, am having another really bad day, i feel terrible, every little thing is an effort, can't face washing or dressing again but the triumph from The Great Hair Washing on friday continues, it looks a lot fairer again,people were beginning to ask me i've had dyed it,it had gone so dark with grease! . i'd forgotten how long it is as well as i have just been putting it up in a bun every day (the hairstyle,not actual baked goods!) well when i was washing it in the shower friday i was thinking hmmm,what's that tickling my bum,holy s*** it's my hair!!!!!!!

[shatteredhopes]

without washing my hair. BUT YOU DID IT! Don't beat yourself up because you can't face washing today.

Plus, be grateful you can care for your kitty. I used to have pets, and they were my whole world, my family, my "children", often my only reason for living and getting up in the morning...I had to get up to feed them and allow the dogs to go outside. While I did more for them than for myself, I still couldn't take proper care of them, and had to give them up. I went nuts for over a year from the grief and was in and out of the hospital and hearing voices and self-harming...

Maybe you can't do anything for yourself right now, but can start with your kitty? Can you brush the cat or clean the litter box or put fresh water in the cat's bowl? Play with the kitty a little? Sprinkle some catnip? My pets used to keep me going. Often taking care of them helped me take better care of myself. Maybe worth a try to do something first for kitty, then maybe you'll get enough upward spiral to do something for yourself...just a thought.

Sorry I got into my stuff so much in your post.

[lisalou]

they are my children indeed. have been having lots of cuddles with smudge, he is the friendliest of the three and giving him a good stroke under the chin. so sorry to hear you had to give up your beloved dogs