Self Destruction

[Mich]

I am very determined to lash out at myself. It definitely is soothing for me to do self harm behaviours. Many times I will scratch my arms terribly with my long nails but it's hard to keep that covered 24/7 and my daughter keeps asking questions about how I get so many scabs on my arms. My other preferred mode of attacking myself is through severely restricting my food and liquid intake. I like this method because the thinner I get, the more people realize how much I am suffering. It's a very unhealthy way for me to communicate how I am feeling. I guess I feel that people around me are not interested in listening to my words so I do something that they have to notice. The starving also serves as a punishment....a punishment for being bad, dirty and hideous. The feeling of acute hunger really does soothe me in so many ways. It's a very destructive coping mechanism but I have never found a healthy means that has given me the same level of comfort and so I stick to the destructive.
I got through the weekend okay but there is a black cloud over me today. On Mondays, when everyone goes back to work and school, I realize how barren my life is....devoid of activities, certainly devoid of any pleasure and just utterly without purpose. I suppose being a wife and mother is a purpose but I am not very effective at either of those since depression struck. Volunteerism has been suggested to me on many occasions and perhaps that is something that I should pursue. Something to drag me out of this hole that I sit in. Something to get my focus off of myself. I always feel bad/guilty for thinking so much about myself and my suffering. I should strive to be less self centered.
Time for more coffee....

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Mich... (((((Mich)))) You know, I've done the starvation thing for some time myself... I rarely feel hungry.

As much as I know it's not good, it happens.... & what I just saw the other day is that I'm going to kill myself one day doing it, if I don't find a way to quit it. It's possible the same could happen to you & you know, we both don't deserve that....

Maybe volunteerism + something for you might work. It's been suggested to me too... Take care...!

[xn728]

hey you 2 ,just so good to see this post ,,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

oh mich,definitely big hugs for you today my darling friend. as someone who has been through anorexia myself i know the grim satisfaction of self-starvation but it is only an illusion and will just leave you physically weak too. my friend told me you need to eat 800 calories each day just to maintain your brain so if you eat less than this you are literally brain damaging yourself and everything will get worse,your memory,mood and concentration,plus lack of food makes you very cold and that's not something you canadians need any more of!! is the rubber band thing not working for you? other alternatives i have heard of for self-harm is to hold ice against your wrists or in your hands instead or write on your arms in red pen or do some really aggressive art - black,red,cut into the paper etc ( I did this in group therapy once and shamelessly said 'and that's what i want to do to my arms' people's faces were a picture in themselves!!!) I know that looking after yourself is difficult for you but i'd like you to stop listening to abusive voices from the past and instead talk to yourself in the kind way that you do to others. there is a very good book called 'the women's comfort book' by jennifer louden,i highly recommend it. it has lots of ideas for nice and creative things you can do for yourself when in specific mood states.

i'm really glad to see you back on the forum today mich. please please remember that you are worth looking after and worth saving from this hell

love lisa x

[Monty]

Mich,

Sounds like we have a lot in common, I also find that withholding food and liquid from myself, is as a punishment for the bad person that I am.Sometimes I only eat because someone who I care deeply about, and that I have supper with each day, gets concerned if I don't eat so I do try to force it down. Sometimes even that doesn't work, my stomach is just too upset to eat or, more likely, I just won't let myself off the hook and have nourishment. Especially llimiting liquid intack is a very dangerous route to take.

I have been deemed permanently disabled by the government (early Canada Pension Plan when I was in my late 40's). I got the chance to read the report that my pdoc had sent in supporting my claim.

Turned out that one reason I won't be able to work again is, intense self-loathing. When I was young I have been told that there was never any reason to punish me. No one could do it better than myself. That has followed me all of my life, and I am in my 50's now. Unfortunately have also gone through the self harm thing, in other ways.

I wish that we would both let ourselves off the hook. I can't talk about myself, but I am pretty sure that you are a good person, who deserves to take care of (not sure if male or female) yourself.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))))))

So you know, we listen and we do care. Keep posting and hopefully this will help.

Warmie/Jeanie

[Mich]

Thank you everyone for your responses. It is so comforting to know that people are reading and your caring really shines through.
Lisa - the rubber band trick is working for the intense "scratching" I do as self harm. I have been able to avoid this as of late.
Monty - I am also on disability pension. I am a mother of 2 in my 40's.

Thanks again for your kindness. It means the world to me.

Michele

[xn728]

hey all ,wish i was a woman ,it hurts to see pain like this ,hurts because i dont understand it being a man all i can say mich is be strong not much but you know i mean it ,i did self harm when younger ,cut my arms ,beat my head againt walls till it split , but the eating thing its not a pain i know about ,but i will make you a deal , while you rest i will take that pain for a while . ,,,,,,,,,,dont hurt yourself ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[Mikka]

Another useful thing to do is to discuss the issue with a therapist, primary care physician, or friend. They can give you accurate feedback on how your behavior affects others around you and challenge your denial so that you can take steps toward recovery and health.