A Gray and Rainy Day

[Mich]

It's a miserable day here today and the lack of sunshine definitely affects me. I just got out of bed at 11 am as I tucked back in after dropping my kids at their schools at 8 am. I just could not face those 3 hours in a wakened state and sleep came blissfully easily.
I told my daughter the other day that she could round up a few friends and I would take them to the Halloween costume store. She tells me yesterday that she is going to that store but that she is going with J's mom instead. I was/still am hurt. It took a lot for me to make that offer as being around a group of chatty girls is very difficult for me. But I wanted to reach out to her and do something that any other mom would do. I guess she is embarassed by me....possibly my ragged appearance or just the way I act. I should probably not be too surprised by this but it hurts all the same.
A similar thing happened on her 13th birthday in June. For ages I was asking her what kind of party she wanted to have etc on this special birthday. In the end, she chose not to have one here but instead to go to one put on by her friends at another friend's house. The mother of the house was actually hosting the party. Someone else's mother gave my daughter her 13th birthday party. I was crushed.
I have been wearing the same clothes all week and I have been sleeping in the shirt every night. I am trying to get up the energy and will to put something else on. I also need to shower and that takes so much effort that it is hard for me to just do it. I need to think about it for hours. I will get it done but it is a long process.
I will be alone for most of the day tomorrow. My daughter has plans to be out and about and my son and husband are going to my son's cross country race. I cannot go to that because I need to pick my daughter up from a Girl Guides sleepover in the morning. I will probably spend most of the time on the computer. I have just switched over to a vegetarian diet and need to read up more on that.
I hope everyone is doing okay today. It sure is nice to have friends on here.

[lisalou]

maybe your daughter and your friend's mum just suspected how hard things like shopping and parties are for you. well done you for still doing things like taking them to school and picking them up from sleepovers. i have so much respect for parents who battle through looking after kids whilst having depression. i am struggling to cope with kids for 3 hours a day! the change in season and increased darkness affects me too,have you considered getting an SAD lamp that imitates the sun's rays? my boyfriend has suggested we get one for me. today,i went to my support group,didnt get there till about 11.40 which i beat myself up about,it runs from 10.30-12.30,i really struggle getting anywhere. it was good to see my friend,it was quiet today,just us two and another lady i've met once but that suited me fine. there was lots of nice fresh melon,i really should get fruit more often. afterwards i spent a bit of time with my friend looking round the shops in town which i am very proud of,haven't been able to do that for a while. now i am really drained and grumpy though,came home hoping to have some time alone but my boyfriend was home,he's got some holiday leave at the moment,i feel horrible for not being more chatty and loving. i feel like our lives are growing apart,he's getting involved in more activites and things and it saddens me that i can't face going out and doing stuff with him. i get really paranoid that he is going to find someone else,especially as i can't face any sexual contact and haven't for quite a well,but he keeps telling me he loves me still and i must try to believe it

[Mich]

Lisa - I am so happy that you got out to your group today and then for some fresh air walking around. I know how hard it is to go out so I am really proud of you. I worry about my husband calling it quits too. He has moved on with life, his own set of activities etc and we don't do anything together any more. I know it is a painful situation. I am glad your boyfriend tells you that he loves you. I hope you can take that information in and let it help you feel better.

[lisalou]

I am glad i went out too,it's been a pretty grey day here too but there was one freak hour of sunshine which was really nice. i feel so grumpy and quiet now though. it's amazing how much little things take it out of me. i do worry about my relationship with mark but he keeps telling me not too. the workers at my group were saying that it's his choice to stay with me and he obviously loves me more than i give myself credit for. i really try to do little things for him as otherwise it feels like our relationship has deteriorated almost into a carer/patient thing. tonight i'm determined i'm going to dinner,literally just some pasta with stir-in sauce and salami and some garlic bread but anything kitchen-related challenges my braincells these days!! I am starting to worry a lot again about food too,i hate myself for putting on weight but then i am just so hungry all the time. everyone says i am just a healthy size again but i just see 'healthy' as a pseudonym for 'fat' and hate myself

[xn728]

nice to see you both ,i know your both suffering ,i think about you both and i know you both will be ok ,im not answering to many post tonight im tired and will hit the sack soon ,we,ll ill have my rock blowing my eardrum out ,,,,,,,thanks for replys to my other posts ,stay strong ,oh yes
i love the dark ,nights the clocks go back tommorrow ,it gets late early
most people like yourselfs hate the winter ,im sorry but i thrive on it ,,
oh good lord i am the devil lol, goodnight both xn728 ken

[lisalou]

good night ken,and enjoy your music,which bands do you like? you look forward to that nice long dark winter that's a-coming. i kinda know what you see in it..it's so peaceful in the dark and it feels like the weather finally matches our mood.....