Unbearable

[Mich]

It's now 1:30 and the pain is unbearable. Sleep has not come, the dog is not offering comfort and this is the only place I can reach out. If I reach out to my husband in this desperate state he cannot handle it. Music, which can often provide comfort, just seems like noise. My children will be home in a few hours and somehow I have got to be better by then. I always get very frustrated that I don't have the words to convey the agony. I can think of nothing to compare it to. It is in a class all its own. I want to pass out and feel nothing but the only route to do that is through overdosing and I don't want to do that again. I don't think my meds are doing anything anymore and I often wonder why I am taking them. I am just too darned afraid to go off them.
Let me be clear....I am not threatening suicide but I really don't want to live any more. Would my family not be happy if they knew I finally had peace and escape from this torture? Would my children not take some comfort in knowing I might be in a better place?
I want to cry but the tears won't come. My doctor does not understand how ill I am. I need relief....oh God, how I need relief.

[xn728]

ok mich ,no suicide i know your not saying that but if you think your meds are not working ,dont just stop them ,can you change your doc ,its easy here in the uk ,if you can then do it ,you must be able to talk frankly and feel you have been understood ,stop taking your meds and it could make you feel worse ,have you thouught of lithium its a mood stableiser ,i know im not advert for these ,but they did get me of the settee ,yes truly i would get up and lay on the settee all day ,when i had to go out i would cry spontainiusly in public this lasted for 6 mnths ,ive had prozac ,and everything else ,lithium could keep you in a coping state of mind ,i mean look now im sat here in bed typing away desperate to try and push something your way ,so i must be ok ,i cant comment on your relationship with your husband but he should be holding you and telling you how much he needs you ,im mean on top of my illness i have Fran
with serious lung problems ,this swine flu thing in england if she were to contract it theres 50 percent chance it could kill her and its a great worry
but we are solid .im not critisising him i dont no any details ,i just dont understand ,ok hope i havent affended you ,you must keep trying mich
we all want so much for you to be better ,dont look to hard for a cure ,look to cope better for now ,,, later ,,,,Ken

[Mich]

Ken - as always, thanks for your comment. I really like my doctor and have established a trust with him that took years to develop. I need to talk to him more about meds. I was on lithium several years ago but I could not tolerate the weight gain (as my anorexia was raging then). I am not planning to stop my meds suddenly, don't worry. You are a good friend and could never offend me. I think my husband has tired of the whole thing and maybe he does not feel the same about me as he did when we married 16 years ago. Perhaps this disease has robbed him of some of the happy life he had hoped for. I don't blame him. It's just the way it is.

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Mich....

I hope we will all feel better soon.

[xn728]

sorry to here that mich ,didnt know you tryed lithium .youve been quiet ,
yourself and lisa ,,,,,hope you both ok ,,,,,,later xn728 ken