scared of the truth???

[Fourdave]

I saw my TP today...... I get so aggravated with her sometimes, why can't she see the evil, the dark cloud, the bad, its all here inside me, I try so hard to hide it from most people,but its there, waiting, lurking and always pushing to get out, CAN'T SHE SEE THAT!!!, she said everybody has good and bad in them.... I am not everybody, Thats like saying all apples have some good spots and some bruises, well i have seen some that were just rotten all the way through, no good spots. I tell her about my "dark side" and I tell her how sometimes it has slipped out just a little and hurt me or let me do things that were not good for me. I can't imagine if it ever got completely loose, whoa mama, but she does not seem to get it. I don't want to be this way, I am tired of fighting, just want to feel good and be happy, is that to much to ask? don't get me wrong, I have smiled,laughed,and even giggled like a school girl
but the minute the stimulus is gone so is the moment, and then still not sure about it.

sorry a little off track with title, in short.... does everybody struggle with a dark side all the time and does that just make me less of a person because i complain about it??

Dave

[Mich]

Oh yes, I struggle with a dark side and I have the exact same discussion with my psych. Please don't think you are bad because you talk about it. It's good that you do. I have to say that I can see good in you through your posts. I know you can't always feel it but it's there.

[crystalgaze]

Hi Dave! Hhmm.... I was just thinking of some different things all together...

Here goes.... You don't have to answer these here, but it's something to think about some time... Alright...

Do you know what your dark side is?
What does it want from you exactly? (I know you said it wants out, but is there something more, really to the root of the issue?)

I struggle with mine.... but I just sort of embraced it as a part of myself.... My thought is: It's there. It wants attention. It's best I not ignore it or chastise myself for it being there, as I might be lost forever....

There may be some apples that are rotten all the way through as you said, but I don't think you're 1 of them. (How I see it is that: You would not still be doing good, if you were entirely rotten....) That's my hunch.

The difference between an apple & a human is that humans can have moments of rottenness & rebound to have good spots again, where as the apple cannot stop its rottenness & once it has its bad spots, the rottenness will most likely continue & spread, until it is entirely consumed.

We don't have to be like the apple. We can be something else.... (Miracle fruit, maybe....)

--------
I'm going to tell you something that happened to me just yesterday when I was feeling low... It was not good....

I was packing away some dishes & there was an extremely sharp knife. It was still dirty, but I didn't realize it until I was inspecting every thing & packing away stuff. The forks, spoons, etc are on 1 side of the kitchen & the sink is on the other side....

When I picked up the knife to put it back to wash.... My "dark side", which had already surfaced, teased me in a very evil, cruel way. Someone was standing near me when I had the knife in my hand & the 1st urge/mind was to stab that person.

It didn't stop there.... My mind said, "I wonder what his facial expression would be after I did it.... Would he curse me as he is dying? Would he be hurt?" I could feel myself doing an evil witch's cackle in my head.....

What did I do? I stood still. I looked at the person who was near me straight in his eyes, said to myself, "No, that's not something I want to do."

I looked down at the knife again that was still in my hand & I freaked out (not visibly to cause alarm)... My other part emerged & I thought to myself.... " I need....um.... a DISTRACTION!!! Yeah, that's what I need! Oh yes, & you better go put that down right away. It's best if you did not have sharp, pointed objects in your hand right now...."

In my head, I injected some humor into it & it worked out okay.

I put the knife down, curled up with my computer, stayed away from & stayed out of the way of people & the person whom I had the urge to stab.

I didn't kick myself... I acknowledged this was a part of me, as much as I don't want it to be & I used plastic utensils for the rest of the day. This morning I have not gone near a knife....

Could I have really done it? I don't know.... Maybe yes & maybe no? Did I worry about it? Nope... Not at all.... Is it normal? Perhaps not.... but then, I've looked at myself & I don't think I can apply the term "normal", so.... I just didn't worry or entertain it again...

I decided not even think about that or ask myself any thing about it or any thing else. I said to myself, "Let's think nice positive thoughts & you're going to be okay."

& I was done.... I had a moment & a markedly disturbing 1 at that.... I admit it was really disturbing.....

& I just said to myself, "It's okay. I didn't harm any one. I'm not going to harm any one. Things are still good. You're still here. Death (my demon) you've had your fun. It's time for you to go back to where you need to be. Bye now.... (said to the demon Death)"

Moment of rottenness + a rebound to have good spots again....

[lisalou]

I once read in a book in a shop 'only good people get depressed',it was so reassuring at the time when i was having constant thoughts about being evil and wrong and everything and filled with demons...i burst into tears of release and ran out of the shop...i think there's some truth in it,people who are actually really bad don't give a s*** about who they're hurting or anything horrible that is in them

[xn728]

we,ll dave the dark side its the only side i know ,i think ive posted to you before ,i have a good sense you know ,my life is that dark that i have a little part of my brain that i can manage to keep clear ,not big enough to escape ,but to stop me ,we,ll you know ,so yes to your qeustion darkness
is my life ,i dont live with depression i live in it ,you therapist needs to listen to you more closely i think ,dont hide any thoughts no matter how bad ,if you hold back ,you wont get the help you need ,when i told my therapist about the visitor ,and how it was with me all the time ,she suddenly found me very interesting ,when i pointed to the visitor stood at my side in the room ,she came over and stood beside me ,and said were is he now ,i replied ,i never said it was male ,still stood beside me she said is it here now ,i replied again yes its inside you you stand were it stands ,she moved away and seemed moved ,when the session was over
and i left the room ,as soon as i had gone through the door ,she stuck her head out and said you didnt hold the door open for it ,again i replied it does ,nt have earthly barriers ,and with a little smirk added ,maybe its still in the room ,i looked at the visitor as we left ,silent as ever ,
she calls me regulary now always trys to catch me out ,the world i live in is real and she needed to know ,dont be afraid dave to be a little boy ,as well as the man for you are still one ,if you dont expose the demons they will never leave you
your freinds ken and the visitor xn728

[jonathan]

@Crystal's story

I think it should be reassuring that you didn't follow through with your urge. I'm a believer that it's our choices who make us who we are. People get faced with urges and decisions and choices everyday, but it's how it's how you confront them that say who you are. You *chose* not to do it, it was a conscious decision for you. You didn't succumb to your urge, so that makes you a good person. You still had the urge, yes, but everyone has those, everyone has bad thoughts, bad urges. I think it'd be inhuman not to. It's how you deal with them that says who you are.

[Fourdave]

just wanted to say thank you all "again" your words are really helpful, I have read them all several times, I have tried several times to reply, the words just won't come, these last 2 days have been REALLY bad at work, got a letter today from bank about my auto loan, not good, I have a lawyer already "trying" to keep my house out of foreclosure, not going well, I have a daughter in collage and i can't send her money to help, my other daughter ask me tonight if she could order some pictures on line from walmart, i just don't have it, I have given up the 2 things that meant the world to me this year trying to help finances ( my brand new motorcycle and my trusty old truck that has been with me for 11 years ), I just can't seem to catch a break, having a real hard time today feeling like the world would be better without me, how could it not be, i know i would be missed, so i stay.

sorry kinda on a roll and off original topic

just me

[crystalgaze]

Well, Dave, you're just fine... (no big deal if you're off topic....) You're saying how you feel.... It's okay.

I think it's good to get it off of your chest.... We won't know you're having a tough time & need support if you don't tell us....

So thank you for not hiding....

((((((((Dave)))))) I don't believe it will last forever.... & I hope you will catch your break sooner, rather than later....

Sorry I don't have more comforting words for ya, but you are in my thoughts & I'm doing my best.

Take care & go easy on yourself.... It's a tough time....