Unbearable

[lisalou]

i feel just awful,no more no less,my mind and body are completely disintegrating and i can't make head nor tail of the world,everything is weighted,dull,thick,listless,all i can think is the word Pointless....

[crystalgaze]

Ah Lisa..... ((((((Lisa))))) Perhaps today is the day to do something for/be very nice to yourself?

So sorry both you & Ken are feeling so low.... I think I am, too, but I'm just trying not to take it on right now.

Go take a good rest.... ~whispers & gently~ We can all do it & win....

[Mich]

I'm so sorry Lisa. *hugs* Please know that I am thinking about you and know that what you are going through is very painful. Please keep posting your thoughts.

[lisalou]

Hi crystal, i tried going out for a little bit but i am very dissociated so it was really weird...i feel so tearful in pain and yet completely dead inside,navigating the real world was threatening and surreal,i am imploding,my feelings are like some awful apocalyptic film but with the volume turned off. came home,wrapped up in a furry blanket,endless Friends repeats in the background,even when civilisation ends as we kmow it there will always be Friends repeats. i can' t bear to go to sleep for the pain of waking up again i am supposedly going intyo work tomorrow which is laughable even 3 hours of trying to tsalk and smile snd function and interact with those beautiful smiling children who i love and yet somehow their smiles and words catch at my heart like thorns, idont know whart will become of me i dont know what the community mental health team can do or if like everyone else they will say that trere is nothing thry can do for me and see the futility. i'm so drowsy and cant concentrate or read properly,finding it really hard to make sense of everyone else's posts and reply,i am sick and self0absorbed and sorry,i love you all my friends

[lisalou]

hi mich too , your post must have co me through sa i was writing

[davidf]

Hi and hugs to lisa,mich and crystal
the pain is awful we all know that and even when we vocalise it ,it seems like nobody understands,but they do.Breathing slowly counting to 5 when you inhale and 5 when you exhale will help you calm down,it will supress the adrenalin you feel in your gut.Self talk is a great tool i talk to myself all the time re enforce the positives in your life(even if you do not feel it at the moment)We all need to fight like we never have before to beat this illness fight it and beat it our lives are worth so much more than we think.Our loved ones cannot understand so dont expect them too for them to be able to comprehend they would need to walk a mile in our shoes and who would want our loved ones to feel what we feel.Be strong my friends and we will survive this.My thoughts are with you all

david

[xn728]

its ok lisa ive had a bad wk end i hate them anyway but ive struggled to survive this one ,really wanted to go away and spite myself and deny myself the forums ,a form of self harm ,last time i sold my laptop and disearpeared for 4 mnths ,,just crazy ,ive been fighting inside myself all day even to the point of nearly calling out ,ive got a headache from hell
im gonna listen to some soothing punk music soon and rest my head .ive slayed many demons today ,but they just get up again ,bye for now
xn728 ken

[lisalou]

thank you very much david for your advice. ken, don't ever sell your laptop again, we'd miss your posts so much! my boyfriend is an old punk too,we went to see billy childish a few months ago back in the days when i was going out,we should start our own IBS punk band called Seven Shades of S***! my stomach is really bad at the mo with anxiety and being on antibiotics, my head screams with a two-month ache,pain is the only thing keeping me tethered to reality,the world melts,evening begins to soothe me with its blur of warm lights and dinner and tv,then there is the growing dread of the next morning when my depression will again be at its peak,every day i slay a monster and every morning its head has grown back on again

[xn728]

thanks yes to the ibs ,keep fighting lisa ,i dont know about tommorrow
i dont have tommorrows now they seem to be one long nightmare with
night and day at regular intervals ,,,,,,,,stay safe ken ,,,,,,,goodnight

[lisalou]

i really know what you mean,days blur into each other,time goes like jelly, if it wasn't for this website i wouldnt know what the date was,i don't know where october has gone......

[lisalou]

i am so tired,it's nearly midnight uk time but i can't face going to bed and being tormented by my own thoughts, even more i am terrified of going to sleep and having to wake to another day,another day of struggle in this parallel hell dimension,i wish i could look forward to something, i wish i could escape

[Mich]

It's now Monday morning here and I hope you were able to escape the demons and get some rest. I know how difficult the nighttimes can be. You are a cherished friend and I truly hope that you feel some relief today...any relief at all...
Please post and let us know how you are doing.

[crystalgaze]

Yes, Mich has said it! How are you doing Lisa?

[lisalou]

thanks for the suppport mich and crystal,i am so utterly drained,am slumping over the computer,feel really sick anddisorientated. went into work but it has killed me,even fro 3 hours,at first i felt i was going to have to run and cry and never ever come back but the children have been so loving,remember me,have got so much bigger and are speaking more even just from 3 weeks ago,it was good to feel that i cant be as bad a person as i feel myself to be and to feel the beauty of those little people...to feel even a fragment of love and positive emotion, but then i cried all the way home and had to go straight back to bed. i have worked out i am only getting £15 more (about $35 u.s dollars?) a week doing 3 hours a day than i was on sick pay AND i cant get to my support group friday morning which is pretty depressing in itself. my manager hasn't really spoken to me at all about how i am doing or my plans for the future but my supervisor was kind. i am in so so much pain from my headache and violent stomach pains from antibiotics,i feel so broken,it is so hard to even type this my fingers keep hitting the wrong keys so i'm having to write slow and go back and edit each word,can't help but feel the looming burden of tomorrow already

[xn728]

cmon lisa ,keep going dont sprog on the keyboard ,its hell i know ,i have nt taken my ulscer tabs for 3 days and its killing ,tommorrow looms for me to ,but all your messages today make it look a little brighter ken