Thoughts on today

[jonathan]

So far today's been pretty bad. I woke up and it was sadness and hurt all over again. I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm feeling so many different emotions at the moment. I'm scared, frustrated, confused, hurt, sad, lonely...I feel like a lottery machine, with all the little, different colored balls spinning around inside, bouncing off the sides.

I went to the store today with my mom, and in the car she kept talking and talking. I wanted to get out of the house so I went, but she just kept trying to talk to me. I wanted to, but I was mostly annoyed. I didn't really talk back, I just kinda reacted to what she was saying. It was annoying, and I don't know why. It was a relief to get home and be able to be by myself again. And I feel horrible about that.

I've distanced myself from my parents over the last few years. I've lived at home while I've been in college to save some money - and I'm starting to feel smothered. I love my parents of course, but I can't say I'm on a personal talking basis with them, haven't in a while.. I don't know if it's guilt from being gay. I'm irritated a lot, and I take it out on them sometimes. I'm not sure how to go about telling them. I don't know if I even WANT to tell them. I don't want want to be pitied or have to explain myself to them. But at the same time, I want to be who I am, and I'm tired of it eating away at me on the inside. But it just scares me to think about talking to them about it.

I'm at a loss of what to do right now. I feel like there are so many things that have come to a head over the last few weeks, and I'm genuinely overwhelmed.

I learned that the infirmary on my college's campus provides counseling. I think I'm going to go on Monday and see how it goes.

[Mich]

The counselling center sounds like a good idea. You might really benefit from having someone to talk to about all this stuff. It helps me quite a bit to be able to say things to my psych that I couldn't imagine saying to anyone else. I hope you find a counsellor that you feel safe sharing with.

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Jonathan. Today is so-so for me.... My will & desire for life is at about 1%, but it's not as bad as it sounds.....


Now... from what you wrote, I'm going to share what I think might be doing you.... (Um... That's a phrase we use here sometimes when we are concerned about someone. e.g. What's doing you? ---> What's wrong? I mean it in a positive way....)

I am also at home with my parents still & I understand what you're saying about feeling smothered/cramped. That's probably 1 of our biggest issues right there.

I don't have the money right now to just up & get out of here. This past weekend has really made me think & I am almost ready to sell close to every thing I own to see if I can get enough money to move some place else.

If you don't like your counselor & there's somebody else, try that other person. Alright? Take care.