Tears are Flowing

[Mich]

The tears are flowing this morning. I am very depressed but also weepy which is quite unusual for me. Normally I cannot cry even when I feel like I need to. My husband does not want to spend time with me anymore. Although I cannot blame him in the least, the fact is still very upsetting to me. It was our 16th anniversary yesterday and yet he felt that going to a swimming stroke improvement lesson was more important that going out for dinner just the two of us. No opportunity for a breakfast together because this morning he was on the computer doing things for work and now he is off to the gym. I have been depressed for so long with no measurable improvement that I am sure he has just given up by now. I am not the woman he married and I am sure he is not living the life he envisioned for himself many years ago. My kids are not getting the best of me either. How can it not be better for me not to be around? I am not contributing positively and I am certainly not adding fun to the family. I try to do what I can but I know it is far short of what a "normal" wife and mother would do. I do not work and contribute to the family income and I have ceased practically all the socializing we used to do as a couple. I do not blame my husband for wanting to distance himself from me. My only question is what function am I actually providing by staying around? Even my capability to feel and express love is completely diminished. At this point it seems as if I am doing more harm than good.

[lisalou]

Q. What do you call the insensitive bit at the base of a penis?
A. A man!!!!

I think your husband is probably just failing to grasp how important anniversaries are to us girls and how depressed you are. he must love you. i love you and i haven't even met you properly! i can tell what a good person you are from what you write. I hope you can get through this day and that your tears can be a release. i am having a really strange gruelling day myself which included a very intense phone call with my mum and i am very spaced out amd in a lot of mental and physical pain ,i think i am goimg to try and get out of the house for a bit

stay strong
love lisa xx

[crystalgaze]

((((((((Mich))))))

It must be hard..... I would cry, too.... That's why I try to encourage you to live for you.... I think if we cheer each other on, we will all make it....

I hope you feel better soon....... ((((Mich))))

[hollyann]

((((((((Mich)))))) Sorry your husband did not spend time with you on your annivesary. You asked how can it not be better for you not to be around. Your love for him and your children come through in your post otherwise what you are unable to do wouldn't be bothering you so much. You do what you can, and I'm sure that they love and appreciate you for that.

[xn728]

mich ,you talk of your husbands ,not having the life he looked forward to ,and you not functioning as you should, and why should you bother
i dont know what your thinking ,but if they lost you ,their world would end abruptly ,i can see you husband and your children ,huddeled in greif over the hole ,that you let the demon dig for you ,everything can be reversed
and when the pus of evil blackness has finished flooding from you maybe you will see this ,do i not feel pain ,the pain of this forum is breaking me
little by little ,i give and expect nothing ,but so much pain is hard to take
my own pain inside is crippling me but i have to give ,the very brain i use to try and reach out with ,destroying me hourly ,the mind i use to feel out and see great things ,can look to the floor and see the peices of me soak into the earth ,when will i be consumed keep going ,you must im not complaining about being in pain im just saying we have to keep going no matter how much it hurts ,others need us more than we relise sometimes .you can do this xn728 ken

[Mich]

My world grows blacker by the minute and tears are once again flowing. A harsh word from my husband and the urge to escape my life is so great, so all-consuming. There would be no tears shed should I depart this earth. Only a collective sigh of relief and no mourners 'round the gravesite as there are no friends in this life of mine. The only way I feel tethered to the earth is through forums like these where I am able to establish relationships with people who aren't forced to see the ugliness that is me. I am an ugly physical specimen as well and this fact has heaped loads of despair upon my feeble brain during my existence. There is no relief for me; just mile after mile of trudging through the pain and despair. How can I bear this forever? There is no escape from the black monster.

[xn728]

sorry mich if i could take your pain away i would ,we are all share holders here on the forum and ,we all share with each other ,if you want to take your life ,sorry you need to be a majority shareholder to do that ,and i or anyone else are willing to give our shares up ,i to see a horrible goblin in the hall mirror every time i walk past ,in fact i thought it was a picture of hitler at first ,these are all tricks from the dark side ,the tears you say your family would not shed for you ,would fall forever if you gave in to the dark one ,you would here your familys cries of greif forever ,in the never ending death ,3 times i treid to die when young ,no family then ,they said it was crys for help ,it was,nt crys for help i was just to young to know how to do it properly ,is death a nice man with a fluffy beard ,and everlasting peice ,i doubt it ,maybe you die forever ,watching your family greive everyday for all eternaty,once you go through that door you dont come back ,just think if i had died ,my daughters would not
have been born ,because i wouldent have met fran ,it hurts when you try to die and it doesnt work ,,today ive cryed all day ,ive felt anger and fear
i feel like somthing was gonna happen and i would fall ,i,ve had a brakedown not long ago ,disa peared of the forum ,became quite a cabbage ,everbody cares so dont say those things .i see you all alone curled up in a dark room reaching out but know one comes ,everyones thinking about you suffering .if you manage to go out think of this ,it has to come with you ,the dark one cant stay at home while you try and do things ,so do them ,it doesnt like winners make it go out ,make it see you smile at your family ,hug your husband ,and feel its hurt as the love you will share again burns its very presance .take something back ,this is something in you ,its not outside it cant come in with a gun and shoot you
it can only make you hurt you , the way you feel ,it invents these ,no matter how bad it is ,its not real ,this is how i survive ,today has as i said been a challenge and im gonna take my lithium soon and lie down ,not because it beat me but i tired myself out keeping going ,dont be afraid ,
curse it tell it your not frightened ,because your not ,everyone is reaching out to you ,,,,,,,xn728 ken

[crystalgaze]

I think we are almost all "ugly" to an extent. There are so very few people I know who aren't & even for the 1s who I don't believe are ugly either hide it or are very good at controlling it....

I feel similarly but Mich, we would only be hurting ourselves....

Mich.... Do you have any one else besides your husband & your kids? Your parents? An aunt? A cousin? ???? Is there anyone that you could ask if you could stay with them? It has been sounding more & more that you are in a hostile environment that is contributing to your pain.

There has been something lurking in my mind for some time, but I have not really wanted to say it....

Now is not a good time, so I will refrain from saying any more....

((((Mich)))) & I hope you are able to feel better quickly... How are you today?

[Fourdave]

Mich, I am sorry you are feeling this way, I know I am new here but I wanted to share something with you, I feel most days like you said about everyone being better off without you. I often sit and imagine how great there lives would be without me. that said, about a week ago I had a "unknown" thing happen ( still doing test) that put me in ER, anyway I knew nobody would care anyway, but to my surprise, both my sisters showed up and sat with me, of my wife was there ( did she have to be.....? maybe) and my daughter who is terrified of hospitals sat with me also, and even my brother kept calling to check on me, at least for that moment in time, i knew i would be missed, and with everything i have read of yours, i know you would be missed also. always remember, no matter what, you do have people who care about you

Dave