Exhausted

[lisalou]

the last few days have been so bad i really don't know how i can carry on,i've been absolutely screaming with pain and yet completely numb and flattened,the outside world is very strange. everything is so difficult and seems so unbearable. i had a very long chat with my doctor and we looked through all my notes which was quite depressing in itself,huge chunky stacks of letters and the years and years of mental and physical problems in black and white. he is keeping me on amitryptiline because of my wariness of anything that will aggravate my anxiety, IBS and constant feeling of needing to pee. plus amitryptline has made me SLEEP!!!! i can't even contemplate going back to the days of waking every morning about 4 in despair. i am starting to have probs with going to sleep again though purely because i am terrified of waking up again and having to endure another day. my doctor said he didnt think medication will help me much as i have tried most things but has referred me to the community mental health team and recommended a website called mood gym which is some sort of online cognitive behaviour therapy. i will try anything,it cant make things any worse. i am still so worried about returning to work and worrying about my serious lack of money. nothing can shift my headaches and i feel just so irreparably broken. every day i end up howling like an animal because i can't bear the hurt and the frustration. i am completely obsessed with myself and obsessed with death. i don't know how anyone can bear to be with me and yet somehow i manage to keep my wonderful boyfriend but i'm terrified he only stays with me as he knows what i'd do if we split up

i'm sorry to be so negative everyone and i realise what a complete hypocrite i am when i try to give such positive advice to everyone else

[Mich]

Lisa - my heart aches for you. You are suffering so much today. I wish I could take that pain away. I think it might be important for you NOT to isolate right now. I really like your suggestion to me of just getting out and staring at people. Is there any place you could go to do some people-watching? Maybe to a coffee shop for a cup of coffee or tea? I really worry if you are secluding yourself with all your anguish right now. You probably feel like holing up at home but I encourage you to try to get out. I am glad you went to see your doctor and that the med you are on allows you to sleep....it's so important. Please don't apologize for your posts. I hope you keep posting and know that we are here, we understand, and we will keep supporting you. Take care, my friend.

[xn728]

hi there your posting to others while you feel crap ,shows your strength ,we give out kind words ,and when we need them ,theres always someone there with some for you ,the best recycling ever ,we,ll done lisa
xn728 ken ,ps and you mich

[crystalgaze]

Ah Lisa ... (((Lisa)))

Maybe you need to go really easy on yourself, right now especially?

I don't think you're being a hypocrite. It's the contrary really! You are trying so hard to be positive & that's more than commendable! There's no need to beat yourself up for it.

It sounds like the worrying is what's bogging you down.... When I was where you are right now, I used to do this little exercise in the morning in the mirror. (If you don't like mirrors, then don't use 1.)

What I used to do & still do today (just without the mirror now) & it helped me reclaim myself & made me feel powerful enough to reclaim myself was:

I would get up out of bed. Go into the bathroom where the mirror is & talk to myself/the thing inside me that kept bothering me. I would tell it that I'm going to reclaim my mind & myself & that it wouldn't be running things any longer.

It was a sort of "Hey you in there! I'm taking back my mind!" & I would shake my fist at it & put on my best "Yeah, I mean business" face.

It was hard because I could never really keep a straight face & would break out in giggles. But yeah, that "silly" exercise helped me out a lot. I just did it & did it whenever I needed to during the day (silently if I'm around others in my head). I continued to do it. Eventually, I believed it little by little to the point I ended up reclaiming at least a part of myself to be a little functional.

Take care.

Edit: I am exhausted, too....

[lisalou]

hi everyone thanksfor your support. i am feeling really drained and struggling to read of]r write so i'll keep it brief. thanks for the suggestion of the mirror exercose crystal,sounds funny and helpful. i managed to get out for a bit mich,went tp my support group and had a big cry and a 1-to-1 with one of the workers who is really great and helpful. she said that its definitely a good thing i was referred to the community mentsl health team and if i carty on feelingh suicidal to ask to see a duty psychiatrost a.s.a.p. then i sat quietly in the gardens behind brighton pavilion which is this crazy mini Taj Mahal king george had built many moons ago,anyway i digress,i took a bit of time just to quietly sit and people watch and re-absorb myself in the world. i heard lots of pigeions which is a very soothing sound and reminds me of my cat smudge who cant purr properly and sounds likea p igeon cooing i call him pidge. thers was also an old lady who made me smile,she was wearing a leather jacket and bandana even though she had to be in her 70s,she rocks!!! well so much for being brief. i sam gonna lay down and watch The little mermaid,my brain simply wants a break and albie the cuddly elephant wants to watch it too. yes i asm 28yrs old but i am functioning right oin baby level at the momemt

thanks you guys
Lisa xxxx

[xn728]

ni lisa ,
last year whilst in the garden i found a little grey chick under the tree ,we,ll one of the ferrets did , did,nt hurt it though ,anyway i poped it in the hedge and thought nothing much about it ,next morning the little thing was still there ,cold and hungry ,fran brought it in ,and fed it ,it slowly grew over the weeks and i couldent beleive it ,i thought it would have died ,as it got bigger i built a small avery,and it quickly became an adult ringed dove ,there very common ,people think there pigeons but there not ,we let the dove go one day ,many tears ,but it comes back to the garden every day to feed and water ,we know its the same dove because it was hand reared it drinks in a sweeping motion with its beak
this is how we recognised it ,theres a happy story ,we also own a famous pop stars car as we,ll all true xn728 ken

[lisalou]

that is a beautiful story,i love birds. i saw all the many shades of autumn leaves today and felt the slight nip in the air of winter approaching and thought of you,i saw a lady walking her dog and thought of mich,i carry you all with me in my heart xxxxx[/quote]

[xn728]

yes it gonna be frosty he tonight ,i cant wait ,and wind and rain by tuesday ,we have to trees in our small garden ,the leaves are all over now ,i rake them into a big pile ,the ferrets love to play in them
my ferrets are pets i would not like anyone to think i hunt with ,i live in a very drug ridden estate ,and this is our santuary ,,,,xn728 ken

[lisalou]

i'm glad you have your garden, i think everyone needs access to the natural world to have some tranquilty and realise there is something bigger than all of us

[xn728]

yes its nice only 20by 30 ft we have a sparrow hawk witch takes the poor sparrows ,but it is nature and the hawk is so beutiful ,also bats in fact the bedroom window is open now and i can hear them sqeeking
my spelling is shocking ,xn728 ken

[lisalou]

maybe they are little vampire bats preparing for halloween....fly my pretties,fly!!!!!!

(EVIL CACKLE..... )

[xn728]

or maybe they know the devils just this side of the window xn728 ken

[lisalou]

you're not the devil you're our guardian angel

[crystalgaze]

I thought about something this morning & wondered if maybe it would be helpful to you....

When I used to be stressed out a lot (trying to go to school, deal with people, etc.).... I used to burn a lavender candle. The kind I had was a soy candle.... (It's supposed to be less toxic....)

I would light it & have it near me. Since there's no carpet on the floor, I used to sit on the floor with it for a little bit. Usually, that calmed me down a whole lot after about 15 - 30 - 60 minutes or so of having it lit. The candle was my lifesaver. If I got up in the middle of the night, I'd put on that baby & I'd usually be able to go back to sleep....

If you don't want to deal with fire, then there are flameless candles & essential oils (used with an aroma stone or a diffuser).

[xn728]

i like candles i have them in the ferret shed ,dont want the fumes in the house ,but i enjoy them ,,,,,,,,xn ken