Where is the Light?

[Mich]

Why am I doing this day after day? Getting up and existing in the same life that offers no hope, no joy, no prospects and no light. Where is the light? I keep waiting for a crack of light to break through the darkness but it never comes and I fear it never will. Each breath is a chore, self care is impossible and there is no hope for the future. My husband is waiting for the old me to come back. Who was that person? I sense that he too is running out of patience, running out of hope. He worries constantly for our daughter's health; worried that she too may become a victim of the darkness. And if that happens, it will of course be my fault for not being strong enough to come out of this.
I need to be in the hospital. I will talk to my doctor about it today at my appt.

[xn728]

doesnt it look bleak ,ive just been sat in the garden ,and i see nothing ahead for me ,the nice house ,i have all the wonderful things that surround me ,my wife fran ,and my girls ,but my mind is empty ,its hard to go on each day ,but i know i must .what drives me im unsure ,love for my wife and girls ,theres nothing else ,this foul thing inside has blinded me ,ive ,come on here to look around .ive lost the threads and dont know who to answer ,if the dark takes this away ,i dont know what id do .maybe i just dont know what to say anymore ,sorry for clouding your post ,you will stand up you have to ,,,,,xn728

[Mich]

Yes Ken, it looks bleak. I too have everything one could ask for and yet I am still mired in depression. I think that is what really frustrates my husband....I have all these wonderful things in my life and he just thinks it is wrong that I am so depressed. On the outside, I would appear to have nothing to be depressed about.
I am just back from my psych appt. Instead of feeling better, my self harm urges are very high. I want to abuse my medication and it will take every ounce of my fight not to do so. Sometimes I feel that it is the only way to get people to acknowledge my pain. The act of overdosing is the best way I have to express the agony I am in. I know it is the wrong way to go about it but I just get such a desperation inside.....a desperation for relief and for someone to understand my pain. My children are due home any minute now so that will keep me safe for the time being. My doctor told me today that I have some good fight in me still and I will need that fighting spirit over the next few days for sure. Everything inside just hurts.

[xn728]

hi mich you know from previous posts that i no the things that you feel .so i wont waffle on ,just use that strength to keep going ,i have these thoughts to .but i have to suppress them ,its not so much wanting to be dead ,but just wanting some help ,and a rest from it ,please dont harm yourself ,everyone would feel that pain ,take care xn728 ken

[lisalou]

please be kind to yourself mich,listen to the voices of nurturing and kindness that you apply to everyone else,not your inner critic. if the urge to self harm continues,try what my therapist has recommended to me - wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when those feelings occur,it stings at the time but is completely safe. mine has become almost my security blanket,as long as it is there i know i have a consequence-free way of hurting myself

[xn728]

listen to your freinds mich ,they wonder how you are ,xn728 ken

[davidf]

I am new to this site,but have suffered with my "Dark Duvet" for over 10 years and you know what.....im still here,still fighting and so can you.It is not the weak that gets depression but the strong, we have to be to cope and YOU my friend are strong.You think no one knows how you feel but we do believe me we do.How do i get through?.....Meds of course and understanding the illness,look into it think about it.Would you beat yourself up for having diabetes no you wouldnt so STOP torturing yourself and instead of "why do i have this" say "ok i got it what am i to do about it .I know it is hard and my heart goes out to you with full sincerety and i wish you well but you need to gain control or a modecum of control.I am worst in the morning and i sit up and talk to myself slow breathing confident words like i am strong i am not mad and i WILL beat this "Dark Duvet".It is natural to feel ashamed and sorry to your family but it will not matter YOU and only YOU will beat it.One day at a time an hour at a time.When you have done something even trivial write it down and at the end of the day see what you have achieved YOU are worthy of a good life take it Mich its yours to take.I will think of you tonight in my mind an wish you all the best,it sounds trite but i will do it .Take care
david

[xn728]

hello davidf .
such a nice post ,i just like to say welcome to the forum ,ive no doubt your post will lift mich as it will many others ,we all share here and there are no judges ,everyone trys to help each other out ,thanks for finding us
xn728 ken

[Mich]

Davidf - thank you for your post. You're right...I have to be the one who tries to walk out of the darkness. No one else can do it for me. Some days I think I am taking good steps, other days it is too hard to try and sometimes I even take some negative steps which are not good for me. Yesterday was a day of negative steps but today can be a more positive one.

[crystalgaze]

Davidf, welcome to the forum.

Yes, Mich, you can try & take our good feelings we've expressed to you with you when you walk, so you don't have to feel so alone.

The light is already there. You either have to draw the curtains or kick out the trap door. I know it sounds silly, but I'm trying to cheer ya up a little!