Constant triggering

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heavyheart38
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2013 10:58 pm

Constant triggering

Postby heavyheart38 » Mon Feb 13, 2023 7:19 pm

Ive been struggling for about 12 months. My wife has told me she has no interest in sex anymore. We have had sex but only 6 times last year. Ive stopped initiating (in 26 years i can count on one hand instances she has) because being rejected hurts more than not having intimacy. Im getting triggered by almost everything and am constantly feeling like im wallowing in glue. The last conversation we had regarding this left me feeling at an all time low, we had the same converation year before last with a slightly better outcome, but still far from my expectations.
I love my wife but the thought of going through that conversation again and her acknowledging the problem again with most probably a resolution the same as our situation is now will put me over the edge.
Ive suggested counselling, marriage therapy, every single thing I can think of to a response of "we dont need that."
Im struggling to even speak about our marriage with her. One response I got from her is "Leave, Im not stopping you". That seems to me as an order to leave.
It made me feel like Im not worthy of any effort. I work really hard at work but anything i do around the house to help her is never right. She constantly makes jokes about me, constantly points out any little issue that doesnt meet her exacting standards. My kids constantly mock me. Constant nit picking at my driving. I bite my tongue. I lashed out a few weeks ago telling her to do it. She called me an a$$hole and gave me the silent treatment for 2 days. Its wearing thin. She does tell me she loves me and we do have a great relationship, apart from the lack of physical intimacy.
Im not one to back away as its not in my nature, but Im torn.

Tealeaves
Posts: 72
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: Constant triggering

Postby Tealeaves » Tue Feb 14, 2023 9:54 pm

Hey I'm Tealeaves
I like to help if I can I'm not a doctor or anything just another human with a heart.
So, first I'll start with the usual type answer.
What you're going through is very difficult and it's understandable that you feel like you're at an end of a rope without anywhere else to go. Sounds like you've been trying some different things.. but the contact seems to end with her. It's good that you're trying and it's good to keep trying.
( I apologize I'm really not good at fortune cookie answers some people are amazing at them. Kind of more of an action person and a weird one, I warn you)
All that being said... I'm working on my own mental health Theory. Why people are the way they are why they do the things they do blah blah blah.
So I have some questions about your wife's behaviors actually and some of your own and some of your kids.
But I want to ask you first if you are okay with that? I'm not a doctor I'm not in any way shape or form in the medical field I'm just like I said another human with a heart. If you are fine with that just send me a message and let me know or reply to this and let me know.
However if you're not I completely and totally understand. And I wish you very very well and I pray for you and your wife.

heavyheart38
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2013 10:58 pm

Re: Constant triggering

Postby heavyheart38 » Tue Mar 14, 2023 9:44 pm

No I'm not okay with it. Just don't have the strength to go through with another conversation. It's the same answer every time. Like it or leave. Leaving would financial and wellbeing suicide. I'd end up with nothing. My kids would Hate me more than they do now. My youngest daughter seems to understand (she is 16) and said to.me a while ago "Why are mum and xx(eldest daughter) so mean to you?" I can't answer the question as I want to know why too. Nothing is never enough or correct enough to please them. I've spent a lifetime pleasing people with no return

Tealeaves
Posts: 72
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: Constant triggering

Postby Tealeaves » Thu Mar 16, 2023 8:30 am

Well I respect that sir and I appreciate you getting back to me. Don't worry I understand, what you're dealing with ...it's what I call, 'the why should I' it's the new depression. A lot of people are suffering from it, why should people move out of their parents' houses, why should people pay their bills (they have the money to do so) why should people abide traffic laws. They're conscious decisions, but they're just detaching for some reason. Like for you, why should I tell yet another person the story why should I keep trying? The answer in your brain is always the same; because it always ends the same, because it never works, because we've tried everything... so why should you? See how eventually you detach as well.. and please don't think that I'm judging you, because I'm not. I see it around me everyday, and I myself suffer from it.

But as I said I do respect your decision, and I will pray for you and your family... I wish you well.

Sophia1978
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2023 10:45 pm

Re: Constant triggering

Postby Sophia1978 » Sat Mar 25, 2023 5:59 am

Dear heavyheart38,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through such a difficult time in your marriage. It sounds like you've been trying your best to communicate with your wife and work on the issues, but it's been met with resistance and rejection.

I can understand how exhausting and demoralizing it must be to keep having the same conversation with no resolution. It's also heartbreaking to feel like you're not being valued or appreciated by your family, despite all your efforts to please them.

I would encourage you to seek support and guidance from a therapist or counselorImage. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and mental health, even if your wife is not willing to participate in counseling with you. A professional can help you process your emotions, identify coping strategies, and make decisions about what steps to take in your marriage and family relationships.

Please know that you are not alone, and there are people who care about your well-being. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected, loved, and appreciated. Don't give up hope, and take care of yourself.

Sincerely,

Lori678
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue May 23, 2023 10:27 pm

Re: Constant triggering

Postby Lori678 » Sat May 27, 2023 2:32 am

I have a similar dynamic in my marriage. My husband constantly belittles me--everything from joke-type put-downs to angry responses because I didn't do something the "right" way. What I know about him, though, is that he had a very traumatic childhood. He didn't feel secure or loved; he didn't feel like he had anyone to turn to if he needed help. He felt completely on his own. I can't imagine how that must have felt, because I had the exact opposite upbringing.

I know his behavior toward me has to do with that past trauma. I am working with my therapist now on ways I can respond to him in these moments.

So, what I wonder--and this isn't a question for you to answer here, just one for you to think about--is, did your wife experience any kind of trauma in her childhood? Has she always had a close relationship with her family? If she's never indicated there was anything unusual about her upbringing, is it possible that she hasn't wanted to talk about it because it's painful for her, or even that she has repressed it?

My point is that there's a reason she is acting the way she does, and the answer to that isn't automatically that she doesn't love you or wants you to leave. She may be struggling with how to show love.

As far as your kids, they learned from their mom. You might want to think about having a conversation with each of them individually, and letting them know how their comments make you feel, and asking them how they really feel about you. Perhaps there's a way to address it one-on-one with them and get them to understand how hurtful it is to you. Maybe they just don't realize it because it's always been that way.

Thunder
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed May 24, 2023 7:17 pm

Re: Constant triggering

Postby Thunder » Tue May 30, 2023 10:59 am

Everyone has has truma in their lives. But understand sometimes folks use it to make excuses for their behavior. Just my take.


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