Depression Understood Forums

Posted: **Sun May 03, 2009 7:38 pm**

It's funny how I'm meant to be good with words and yet I can't seem to make any form a complete sentence right now. I guess I'll just start babbling and see where it takes me.

I should have known the signs this time around. Or rather, I should have known to listen to them instead of going into denial. Denial is just the easy option. I knew from the obsessive thoughts, the tearfullness, the lack of motivation that this was coming. I just didn't see how badly I would actually fall. In one way it's good that I did what I did as it really was a wake-up call but at the same time I was a total idiot and feel shameful, guilty, stupid, weak and a lack of control. I'm not sure if I am allowed to say here what it is that I did or else I would try to explain better.

I feel tired and drained. I put on that happy face for hours at a time because of my job, because I don't people to notice and because I have the vague hope that the fake smile will turn into a real one. I don't want people to worry and of course those who know about my stupidity do. I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty about a lot of things. I feel regret for so many things. I'm not proud of who I am. I have good people around me. Very good people, that don't deserve to be put through this again and yet are willing to be there. I hate that. I want to isolate myself and hide until this is over but they don't let me. In more rational moments, I know that's a good thing.

I'm afraid of slipping back into a pattern of self destructive behaviour again. And I am even more afraid of how comforting and familiar it is. I know this me. I don't like her, but I know her. I'm not sure if I can stop myself from being her again.

Posted: **Wed May 06, 2009 7:06 pm**

-manymany hugs for Blue-

What did you do? I should think that as long as you weren't graphic about explaining, or perhaps put a trigger warning in the topic title if needs be, that it would be alright to say.

I can relate to the guilt you've mentioned, and to the happy face; I think a lot of people can. Even so, it's a mark of how much a good person you are that you do worry about worrying other people, even when you're in a state like this yourself. Even so, it's good to confide in people. I have a lot of trouble doing this myself, but I know that it's helpful; something that I was also told once is that people like to be confided in. If there's a friend that you can mutually share problems with, it can make both of you feel a lot stronger.

I think you can stop yourself becoming her again. From what I can tell from reading your posts on this forum, you're a really awesome, really nice person. Don't give in, mm? Everyone's here for you on this site.
-morehugs-

Posted: **Thu May 07, 2009 11:53 am**

Oh Blue! I understand you so well!!! I can remember, when I had my nervous breakdown and hit a bottom that I cannot even comprehend at this point, that, when I was able to get out of it - and I WAS - that I promised myself I would never let it happen again.

This promise worked for a long time. My anxiety lie dormant for years, and popped up again a bit over a year ago with a vengence. Thank God that I was able to get the help I needed before the clinical depression reared it's ugly head again, but I was so disappointed with myself for allowing my mind to begin torturing me again. To allow these irrational fears to creep in and scare me every second of every day again.

Don't be too hard on yourself, ok, Blue? This depression and anxiety is a life long battle that can and will go into remission, but we must always be aware that it can come up again. Just keep fighting, Blue. You can and will win again.