Everyday life. How was your day?
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I used to come on here when I was a freshman in high school, I'm now a 22 a year old adult and I've yet again stumbled upon this website. I almost forgot it existed. I dropped out of high school. It was fully my choice and I do have my reasons but a part of me wishes that I graduated with the rest of my class. I wonder how different things would be, how different I would be. I'm at that point in my life again where nothing seems to matter and I'm slowly losing the will to live. I haven't gone to work in so long and I know that should; I have bills to pay and I can't be slacking like this but honestly, everything just is getting harder to do. Living, existing, eating. EVERYTHING. And this isn't the first time that I've felt like this. I've always felt like this, even as a kid which is why I would come on here. So I wouldn't kill myself. Shit was so bad for me back then. I love the hell out of my mother but man, she's really f***** me up and I know that my mom is undiagnosed but I already know what she has because I have it to. No, I don't believe in self diagnosing but I've been studying mental health for a long time, plus my mom doesn't believe in stuff like that you know. My school forced me to go into therapy. Well, they were the reason I had to do it. I did it for almost a year (I f****** hated it). My mom hated me. I feel like she's always hated me. She's never said it but she's never had to. She's told me that if she could do every bad thing she's ever done to me again, she would. My mom had a very troubled childhood so I honestly hold nothing against her, I just wish she was able to heal before having me or at least had the decency to f****** abort me. I hate everything about myself, I don't think I'm pretty. I don't think I'm worth anything. I'm, once again, losing interest in the things that I love. My eating habits are getting worse and hearing my mother tell me she thinks I'm losing weight was quite triggering. I didn't really notice until afterwards. Thank God we don't live together. I love my mom but I wish I could give myself the same unconditional love that I give her. I know she loves me but. I don't wanna believe that her love is the only form of love there is.. I wanna believe that I deserve better but I don't think that I do.
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