Just found out I've been depressed for years
Posted: Sun Nov 29, 2020 12:37 pm
I just found out I'm depressed. I guess I've been depressed for many many years. It's become a personality trait for me. I used to be high energy. I used to be out going.
My girlfriend just broke up with me last night. She said I neglected her. I didn't know why I had no motivation to do anything. I didn't know why I lacked an empathy I had before. I didn't know why I didn't feel love. She's the one who pointed it out to me and she's right. I've been sad for so long that I didn't even recognize it as being sad. I feel like I've had a breakthrough in seeing this about myself, but I don't know what to do with this information. I'll be moving out of her place in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile I'll be sleeping on the couch. I feel lost. I have no direction. I have no will. I feel hollow and have felt that way for a long time and I have no idea why or where that's changed for me in my past. I feel like crying, but I honestly don't think I've cried since I was 8 years old and I'm not sure I remember how to. Is that possible? How do I let myself feel vulnerable? How do I peel away these layers of rock and fill it's hollow insides with something other than dread?
I vaguely remember being happy once, but as I think about it more and more I feel like even then I was fooling myself. I'm just realizing that I've been lying to myself and living in this fantasy world for so long that I can no longer say I know who I am.
My girlfriend just broke up with me last night. She said I neglected her. I didn't know why I had no motivation to do anything. I didn't know why I lacked an empathy I had before. I didn't know why I didn't feel love. She's the one who pointed it out to me and she's right. I've been sad for so long that I didn't even recognize it as being sad. I feel like I've had a breakthrough in seeing this about myself, but I don't know what to do with this information. I'll be moving out of her place in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile I'll be sleeping on the couch. I feel lost. I have no direction. I have no will. I feel hollow and have felt that way for a long time and I have no idea why or where that's changed for me in my past. I feel like crying, but I honestly don't think I've cried since I was 8 years old and I'm not sure I remember how to. Is that possible? How do I let myself feel vulnerable? How do I peel away these layers of rock and fill it's hollow insides with something other than dread?
I vaguely remember being happy once, but as I think about it more and more I feel like even then I was fooling myself. I'm just realizing that I've been lying to myself and living in this fantasy world for so long that I can no longer say I know who I am.